All this and crazy too!

Why?

2009-09-17T13:53:00.003-04:00

That's an interesting question don't ya think? People ask it so often and never really know what, if any, answer they will get. But they still ask. Why am i feeling so selfish lately? Why am i feeling like the world is falling apart? Why do bad things happen to me? Over and over again. All i can say is sometimes we feel selfish because we spend so much time doing for others that we NEED to do for ourselves. We feel like maybe all our work is being overlooked and we need someone to focus on us for a change. I know as a wife, mom, friend, daughter, sister, etc.....i have recently been feeling this way. I do everything for my husband. Most of my friends say i do too much for him. But i do these things because i love him and acts of service mean so much to me, that's how i show him i love him. Trust me, these things mean a lot to him too. That's why he's often telling me how wonderful he thinks i am. I do so much for my kids....after all they are still kids. They need me, sometimes. HAHA. I try to be there for my friends as often as i can. I spend time with them, listen to them, go places with them, support them, laugh with them...whatever they need. I listen to my parents. They are pretty far away from me now so i can't do so much for them but i can listen and support emotionally. I listen to my brother and sister. Like my parents, they are far away but i listen to them. I try and support them in anyway i can. It can be exhausting. So yeah, i feel selfish sometimes and i just want time for me to take care of me, to do things for me, to make myself smile. As far as feeling like the world is falling apart, it could be many things. Not taking time for yourself and feeling overwhelmed, feeling stressed, needing some quiet time. For me, i feel my world is not whole and not together when Jay is gone. i miss him like crazy. I miss all the little things. it's the same thing every time he is gone. I just wanna have him home. So the world feels upside down. why do bad things happen to me? Things just happen. No one, especially God, is punishing us. Sometimes bad things happen. Instead of getting angry and blaming everyone around you, figure out what happened starting with you. Chances are there is something in your life that you need to get right. Did you do something to another person? Is that the root of the problem? Can you go to the person and make things right? We are instructed biblically actually when we do something to another person we are to go to them and make it right. We are also instructed to go to a person who has wronged us and try to make it right. If they are not willing, take someone else with us, and try again. If they are not willing, still, keep praying for them. And keep praying for God to open your eyes to something you may have done that you are overlooking and for God to open your eyes to something else you can do. Also remember, sometimes things just aren't as bad as they seem. They are just different from what we have been used to. God uses the times we are hurting and sad to help us grow in him. We are able to use this time to show him glory by leaning on him. We turn to him and find strength, peace, comfort. We can show others that by turning to God we can get through the bad times. He wants us to turn to him. He wants to comfort us and give us strength and peace. He never leaves us nor forsakes us. He is the One and Only, King of Kings, Prince of Peace. He is the one you can always count on. and he knows why.

Just another surreal Saturday

2009-08-29T14:42:00.001-04:00

Well....we have made it a whole month into this deployment. Things are amazingly going well for us. The girls have their moments but they are just moments. They aren't DAYS. A huge blessing after the issues we had during the last deployment. I am doing well this time too. I'm really trying to focus on me and taking care of myself. I rarely take time to do that. So this deployment seemed like a good chance to really do something that i have been needing to do for a long time. So far i have lost about 7-8 pounds. Not bad in a few weeks time. I've been going to the gym several days a week and then also doing some ab work at home when i'm not in the gym. I've completely rehauled our kitchen. I'm trying not only to eat better for myself but also to teach my girls proper eating habits. They are responding MUCH better than i expected them to....especially Kaitlyn. I've been really concerned about not only what she eats but the quantities she consumes. We are all learning portion sizes and good choices but also not depriving ourselves. Sometimes a taste of something yummy is enough to satisfy our desire. We don't need a big piece of cake when a small one or a couple bites will do. It's going really well so far and i truly hope we can continue to stick to it. I am really enjoying having Tammy living next door. I probably spend WAY more time with her than i should actually. But we have been having so much fun. Honestly all we ever do is sit on her front porch and talk or play on our computers or listen to music. We go to the gym and we run all our errands together. Thats it! But it's great to have someone fun to do the mundane with....ya know. I am also feeling VERY spoiled during this deployment....so far. Jay has his own phone over there and calls me all the time. I have even called him a few times. I text him all the time and he has even been known to text back. I miss having him here to touch and to see his elusive smile. But talking to him so often makes everything so much better. Today is just a lazy, sometimes rainy, sometimes sunny Saturday. The girls have a friend over and they are just watching tv. I'm laying on my bed watching chick flicks and typing here and there. It's kinda nice.

A Little of This, A Little of That

2009-08-13T18:39:00.002-04:00

Things are going pretty well here. Nothing bad that i can honestly report. The girls seem to be adjusting much better to this deployment than they did to the last one. We have each had our moments where we wanted to just throw a tantrum because we missed him and he wasn't calling. But overall we are all doing well. Thankfully, i have Tammy next door to spend all my time with.....literally all my time! LOL We have started Weight Watchers, so we go to meetings every Thursday morning. We have also been going to the gym a couple times a week. I am really enjoying going to the gym. I think i may add at least one more day a week to that schedule. I've never enjoyed working out. But i guess my heart is really in it this time. I am eating better and i just have so much more energy. So i've noticed that going to the gym just increases how much better i am feeling and how much more energy i have. I don't know how many of you know this....but i have an eating disorder. I can look at food, even my favorites.....ok not taco's.......and convince myself that it will taste horrible and will hurt me to eat it. So i do good on an average day to consume more than 500 calories. My dr told me and a nutritionist told me that's barely 1/3 of what a person should eat for survival. The average person eats 2000 calories a day. People who are watching what they eat usually stay around 1500. So going to Weight Watchers has been a challenge for me. They insist you eat! and i mean really eat! Several times a day you should have something. This has been a struggle for me. But i have noticed now that i have done it for a week, that i am feeling better. My moods are improving. My energy is increased. I can survive on less sleep. I can actually FALL asleep. AND i lost 2.6 pounds in the first week! Apparently after only one week, my metabolism is getting the boost that it so desperately needed. I can't wait to see what happens from here on out. It can only improve, right. Well that's my hope anyway. So although i don't get to talk to Jay very often....i am trying really hard to make some improvements for myself and make the best of this deployment too. We are planning to take an awesome vacation on his R&R and i wanna surprise him by looking AMAZING when he sees me again! He has called several times. Most recently last night. They are still not at their FOB and are doing some training things. So no missions or anything yet. He's senior medic though this time so i don't know how often he'll actually have to go out on missions anyway. Which, of course i love! but he says he'll probably be pretty bored compared to last time. He's been gone about 2.5 weeks now and he's starting to sound tired already. Most of the time he sounds good. Maybe it was just because he was calling me at 545 am his time! LOL I think that's pretty much all my update for now. I have some other blog topics i am working on, but nothing ready for another intense blog just yet. Stay tuned!

Ugh Deployment!

2009-08-04T12:37:00.002-04:00

So as many of you know, we have begun another deployment. And yeah, i know, he JUST got home! He was home 9 months and 6 days to be exact. But his unit needed him. So the job must go on. Such is Army life. He's been gone a week now actually. So far the girls and i have adjusted fairly well. Much better than i expected. It was super hard to tell him goodbye again. That part hurt so much. But after that we have quickly gone back to a new routine. It helps that we have school starting back this week. Gives us something to work toward. and will definitely help us to stay busy! Since he has been gone though, lots has been going on here! The day after he left, Keliah learned to ride her bike. She just took it out to the culdesac and climbed on and took off! We took pics and video so Daddy could see. Thursday the ceiling in the hall started pouring water, turns out there is a problem with the AC unit that is in the attic. It is under control for now, but will have to be fixed. Thursday i started feeling ill. The girls also had a friend over that night. So Friday was fun! We went out and ran some errands, did a little this and that. Then the girls stayed the night at their friends house. Meanwhile i was feeling worse. Saturday we had a yard sale at my friends house. I didnt do too well at it. but maybe next time. By Saturday night was really not feeling well at all! So Sunday i was so sick, i just laid around all day. Monday i was feeling better and we ran some errands and got out of the house. So now here we are up to Tuesday again and we have to get some more things done around here. I also just found out that the girls friend has lice and since they were with her all weekend, i need to check them for it too. Dear Lord, please don't let them have it!!! I'm so not wanting to deal with this right now. But if they do, we will get it taken care of! It feels like he has been gone for so long! I miss him so much. Seems like everytime he leaves things start to fall apart around here. I know he's the glue that holds me together but apparently he's like that for the whole house. Today just feels like a really bad day around here. I'm extremely moody. I'm missing him more today than i have so far. Which is a LOT because i really miss him when i'm sick! Why do we have to go through these things? Why do we have to deal with this? I know it's his job and i know that we knew it was part of this lifestyle and we knew it was coming but does that mean i have to like it? NO! Most of the time, i am ok. We all deal with it just fine. But today is just not one of those days. Maybe it will get better. who knows!

Are you proud to be an American?

2009-07-03T11:32:00.002-04:00

With all honesty, i can say I am Proud to be an American. I love that my husband is a soldier and fights for our freedom. Even though he has to be away from us WAY too much! He's doing it so that terrorists won't take over our country and to help those countries who have been under terroristic rule for so long to become free. It drives me insane when people say this war is all about oil. Get a newspaper, read up on things people, it has nothing to do with oil. Better yet, talk to a soldier, get the real story on what's going on over there, the media tells you only what they want to tell you. Unfortunately though that country does control a large portion of the crude oil so we get punished for everything by having high gas prices. Prices though that while a little ridiculous, i'll still pay knowing what my husband is doing. Knowing all the GOOD things he did while he was in Iraq. Knowing he helped those people in that village on the other side of the world and didn't take a single life while doing it. I'm even more proud when i think back and remember that my Dad did the same during his time, my Grandpa did the same in his time, many of my uncles and cousins have done the same. Our country has a LONG history of going to war to protect our freedoms and to HELP not hurt those in other countries who are being oppressed. And yet we still have those who feel that our country should just mind it's own business and stop the fighting....fighting that we did NOT start! But was forced upon us. Yes, our country has it's own troubles. Recession sends everything and everyone into a tail spin. We have drug problems and health problems. We have bad things that happen and are part of our every day lives. But we are still free, not under someone else's thumb all day. We can go to school, even if we are female. We can have a job of any kind, as long as we are qualified for it! We can go shopping, out to eat, fishing, hunting, pretty well anything we want to do anytime we want to do it. And we can worship freely, any religion we choose, any time we choose. Women....we can walk outside in shorts and tank tops, without our faces covered. We can kick our feet up on a table while having a conversation with others because showing someone the soles of our feet is not insulting. We are just relaxing while having a chat. Nothing at all wrong with that! I love the freedom of having wonderful neighbors that i can invite over for a bbq on a whim. I love having a wonderful husband that i can freely and openly walk around with while holding his hand. I love having two daughters that i can teach about our nation and our freedoms and i can openly teach them about God and love and all the things they need to know. I can take them out in public and enjoy having kids. We can play in parks and go swimming and doing lots of fun things. and i can teach them that women in other countries can't do these things. So we are doubly blessed to be American AND women! So on this Independence day, enjoy your bbq, your hot dogs and burgers, your friends, your family, and remember that you have all these things because of the soldiers who were willing to fight so far from their families to keep our country free. When you hear The Star Spangled Banner and you look at the flag waving in the breeze don't be afraid to shed a tear or two. It's perfectly ok and you won't be the only one....i can promise you!

Still Growing......Am I?

2009-06-02T15:48:00.003-04:00

I was asked about a year ago to read and write a review of the Still Growing.....An Autobiography by Kirk Cameron. On the surface, most people who have seen this book have commented that they don't think they will read it or that it seemed kinda crazy for an actor so young to write such a book. I was intrigued because (1) I had such a crush on this guy when i was younger (2) he has become a good man and i wanted to know what happened in his life to make him the man he is and (3) i'll admit it, i like to read about the lives of celebreties, in particular those who were child stars and then after their shows were over, seemingly disappeared. Although Kirk Cameron never really disappeared, he just switched from mainstream Hollywood to the very limited Christian Hollywood, if you will. He even says in his book that he was once told of all the religions to pick in Hollywood he picked the most unaccepted. Well....that'd be because he didn't pick a "religion"....he chose God. An amazing thing to do considering the status he had at the time. You really have to read the book to understand how he got to this point and why it was such a difficult thing for him. Honestly, read the book anyway....it was a good read, a quick read (even if it did take me a year to do it.....i had circumstances beyond my control). The book can seriously be read in a day or two. It's short, but worth the read, in my opinion. It will never be regarded as great literature, but it is really worth the read. Anyway.....back to the topic at hand. We all know Kirk was a child actor. We saw him grow up on Growing Pains before our eyes. His character was funny and charming and a wonderful goofball. The child off the camera though was nothing like that. He came from a loving, family oriented home. The only boy with 3 younger sisters, caring, attentive parents who were always there for him. But he was shy. He hated the fame that came with acting. He didn't like that everyone thought he WAS Mike Seaver and approached him in public no matter what he was doing. He felt awkward as a pre-teen and teen going through puberty so publicly. He was raised in a house who believed in morality but not necessarily in Christianity. They believed in not drinking, smoking or doing drugs. They believed in not having sex before marriage and all the other things that good people believed in. They just didn't go to church. Kirk's father didn't want to mold his children's minds religiously, instead he wanted them to find their own way. It wasn't a bad way to grow up generally speaking. He had lots of friends from his neighborhood, a great family, and a dream job. But when he was 17 he couldn't help but think something was missing in his life, something big! He was seeing this girl who invited him to go to church with her family. Instead of saying no, like he considered doing, he went. This one thing gave him things to think about that would change his life! He had always considered himself an atheist. Thinking about God was just odd. He began to ask himself questions. Ultimately, he realized that God does in fact exist and he was missing out! From that moment on life took a new turn for him. He refused to do anything on camera that would not reflect well on his new found Christianity. Amazing for a young man on a hit tv show. Especially for someone of such a young age. Since that time he has married a wonderful woman. They have adopted 4 kids and had 2 more of their own. He has done movies such as the Left Behind series and Fireproof. He has programs running on major Christian networks. He really works hard to make sure God comes first in his life. Toward the end of his book, he asks some questions for the reader to consider. Really breaks Christianity down to its basics.......are you a sinner? Absolutely yes i am! Have you broken the 10 Commandments? WHAT? YES...one by one.....have you kept God number one in your life all the time? well.....no. Have you ever used the name of God, who gave you life in a way as to express disgust? well.....yeah i'm sure i have....i know i have. Have you lied? EVER....even once...any kind of lie...they are all the same.....of course i have. have you ever stolen anything? um yeah....taking anything that doesn't belong to you is stealing....it doesn't have to come from a store. Have you ever coveted something your friend or neighbor has? well yeah....i see things and wish i had them. Have you ever had other gods in your life? idolizing anything or anyone other than our one true God........well probably i'm sure there could be something. Have you ever committed murder? see here's the thing.....he is not just talking about taking a life......but God considers hatred the same as murder. So have you ever hated anyone? yeah....i can think of a person or two at the very least. here's a big one.....have you ever committed adultery? not just the act of it.....even lusting after someone other than your spouse.....and this does include premarital sex. um yeah...guilty. Go through each commandment one by one.....ask yourself. For reference go to Exodus 20. Just by my own admissions right there.....I am a lying, theiving, adulterous, murdering, idolizing, slanderous sinner. What would God want with me? Simple......he loves me. He loves me in a way that only a Father can love. He wants me to come to him. He wants my repentance. He wants me to say "Forgive me for these things, i am turning to you and only you. Show me the way to live for you." And the amazing part of that is he sent his ONLY son, his son who was perfect in every way, to die a horrendous death on a cross next to thieves and liars, and he did it all for me. Think of it this way.....if everyone else on Earth was perfect and you were the only sinner.....God would still have sent his son to die for you. He loves you that much. He loves me that much. Overwhelming isn't it! Just when i have things figured out, or so i think, something comes up and grabs me and snatches me back to reality. I will never have it all figured out. God intends to keep me growing everyday, the rest of my life. He has an amazing plan for me, and for you. But we have to keep learning every day. We have to seek him every day. Reading this book was enlightening for me. I needed something to snap me out of my hum drum life, to get me back in the swing of growing. Seeing that someone else who seems to have it more together than me is still growing and learning was just what i needed. Like the old song says..."He's still working on me, to make me what i ought to be, it took him just a week to make the moon and the stars, the sun and the earth, jupiter and mars. How loving and patient he must be, he's still working on me."

And Such Is The Military Life

2009-04-20T18:58:00.002-04:00

I really enjoy when my Honey is home. It's the greatest times of my life. Unfortunately because of the military lifestyle, it's not often that he is home. After being gone for 14 months, he has been home for 6 months. We are now officially into the longest span of time that we have been together since 2006! When he left for basic training in August 2006 he was gone for 11 weeks. Then we drove down to see him for 2 days. Actually we spent like 8 hours with him one afternoon and then like 10 hours with him the next day. No overnight with him. But that's the rules. Then we came back home and he went on to AIT. Seven weeks later he got to come home for Christmas for 2 weeks! YAY that was great but it flew right by. He went back to Texas after the holidays. I went to visit him over Easter weekend. That was nice. No overnight visit again but at least we got to spend the days and until like 10-11 pm together. After my visit, he was still there for a few more weeks. When he came home at the very end of April, he got to stay with us. We moved to NY and he got settled in his new unit. Four months later they deployed. Now here we are 6 months after the deployment ended and we are gearing up for another deployment! He's in the field this week. We won't see him again until the weekend. He'll be in the field again most of next week too, i believe. In fact for the next 5 weeks if he is not in the field he will be going in VERY early and getting home VERY late. So i won't be seeing him much at all it seems. Unfortunately this next 5 weeks covers my birthday and our anniversary. There are times when being a military wife is the loneliest thing in the world. I'm not going to be out looking for someone to fill that void where he belongs. I'm not the type to do those things. I'll live in my loneliness. I do have the girls to keep me busy. But seriously they hate when he's gone too. So they are not all fun and games either. He's the one who makes my day brighter and makes feel complete. No one else would ever be able to fill that void! And when i see him again, it's the most amazing feeling in the world. I could never allow dishonesty to cloud that moment for me. I just miss him so much when he's not home. At least when he is in the field like this, i can still talk to him. He has called like 4 times today. The good part about him being the medic is that he's not always busy like the other guys are. A lot of the time he is in the field with them in case something goes wrong or someone gets ill or something like that. They have to do additional training for their jobs and he's there in case they need him. Sometimes they let him join in though so he's not so bored. LOL Anyway.....i'm just frustrated today because he's gone for the week and i know that we only have a few more months until he's gone for a year again. At least this time it is only one year. Those extra months beyond a year make it sooooo much harder!

Thoughts on Sex....yes you read that right

2009-04-08T10:00:00.003-04:00

I was on Facebook this morning when i saw one of my friends, a former pastor of mine, posted a link to a video that he and his wife had watched. He said it was a teaching on sex and made him want to be a better husband. I thought...hmmm....interesting. So i clicked over there just to check it out. I ended up watching the entire hour. It was really very interesting! First of all, Pastor Mark Driscoll has a way of speaking that makes you want to hear more. Secondly, he's so matter of fact on this subject, i had to know what he was going to cover. Now i have to say, this is a series he did on the book of Song of Solomon. I only watched the first one. I plan to watch the rest after seeing this one. So before i forget, here's the link..... http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/the-peasant-princess?page=1 to the whole series. If you go to page two, i watched the one entitled Let Him Kiss Me. I gotta tell ya, i was wishing my hubby were home. LOL Not only to watch it with me, but because after watching it, i just wanted to be near him, to hold him close and to kiss him. It made me want to be a better wife! He's reading the first part of Song of Solomon where the wife is talking to her husband in this one. I loved the way he laid it all out there so plainly for us. I enjoy this book of the Bible. It's so beautiful and poetic and romantic. But the way he puts it into layman's terms so we can all fully understand it is great! I don't want to say too much about it because i want you to go see it yourselves! Anyway.....my actual thoughts on it.....I have always believed that sexual intimacy between husband and wife is a gift from God. And that in the bond of matrimony you are free to be who you are with that other person. You don't have to worry about being too fat or too thin. You don't have to hold back. And you DON'T have wait on him to come to you for anything! You can instigate anything you are wanting and you can just tell him what you want from him. That's the beauty of marriage. And God sees it as beautiful. It's not to be hidden. It's not gross or a necessity. It's not just for procreation. It's for intimacy, comfort, PLEASURE.....as long as it is with your spouse! And that's just how sex was meant to be! Jay and I are the type of couple that are always holding hands, or kissing, or hugging, or something. We are the type who cant keep their hands off each other. It doesn't matter if we are in public or sitting at home watching tv. Yep, we are the parents who totally gross their kids out with all the kissing and lovey stuff. But we also know that they will appreciate it when they are older and they will be thankful we showed them what love looks like. We can show them how to treat the one they love and how that person should treat them. We have daughters. We want them to learn from us how they should be treated by the men in their lives. One day they will be grown and dating and looking for a life partner. We want to set the example for them so they will know how to treat their spouse and how they should be treated in return. That's not to say everything has been perfect in our relationship. I've mentioned to many of you who read this blog that we have had our problems. We have been to the very rock bottom of our marriage and had to build a new foundation from scratch. We were married for 7 years when he cheated on me. Repeatedly for a year. He finally told me in our 9th year of marriage. About 3 weeks before he left for basic training. He said it didn't mean anything it was only sex, they never went out or anything. I thought WHAT it's only sex, but that's the part of our relationship that is ONLY mine. You have other friendships. You have people you talk to and do things with. You eat dinner with others. Other people are in and out of your life. But sex is only for me and you. That's it! So giving that to another person is the most hurtful thing your spouse can do. But instead of getting angry and filing for divorce, i turned to God. I sought guidance. We used the time he was gone to say all the things we needed to say. We wrote letters and got everything out in the open. We have used the times he has been gone to court each other. We have built a new foundation and started over with the basics in our relationship. We have learned to truly love each other. And we will celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary next month. I took some things for granted in the early years of our marriage. I took him for granted. Now after all we have been through....i see that. And now i can honestly say that i LOVE having him. I love the freedom i have with him. I love that he loves my imperfections and not just the good stuff. I love his imperfections too. I love that i can tell him that i love his imperfections and he knows that i'm not being cruel. I'm just telling him that i love him, unconditionally, and not because he's good looking or a good person. I love ALL of him! And he can tell me the same things. It's part of the freedom of marriage. I love that when we are alone, i can tell him anything about any subject. I love that i can look at myself and see one thing but he looks at me and sees nothing but beauty. Some days i wonder what he's thinking! But i love that he sees that. I love the safety and security i feel when i'm next to him. I find comfort in being close to him. These are all great things! Anyway....i am just going on and on. this blog is forever long! LOL I'll let ya know when i watch others in the series. I'm sure i will have thoughts on them too! Go check it out!!!! Seriously! GO!!!

New Home City, Still No Home

2009-03-12T12:39:00.002-04:00

We are at our new home post. Finally made it to Ft Stewart, GA. We've been here a few days now. We are still waiting on a new home. There doesn't seem to be an opening on post. We have looked at some places off post but they are in less than desirable neighborhoods. I do know a few people in the area though so that has helped me be not so lonely. We have got to get a home soon! My kids really need to be back in school! They are starting to wear on my nerves. The upside is though there is a playground here and the weather is nice. So we do get to go outside and do things. We are thinking of going to the beaches and Savannah this weekend. The girls are really excited about that. They can't wait to see a real ocean for the first time! That should be fun for all of us. Well today's blog is going to be short. There isn't a lot to say right now and my computer battery is almost dead again. Just wanted to let you all know i am still with the land of the living and doing ok. Just trying to get settled in here! Talk to you as soon as i can again!

Packing Day

2009-02-19T14:01:00.004-05:00

So here we are in late February. It's 2 days from Kaitlyn's 11th birthday. I can't believe she is almost 11! As usual the time just flies by! Today is packing day for our upcoming pcs. Packing day is many different things. It's great because i'm not packing the house! After this is done the movers are coming tomorrow to get everything. But then it's weird because I'm just sitting here, messing around on my computer, doing whatever while other people are doing the work. I feel like the epitome of the spoiled military wife at the moment. It's an odd feeling to sit in your house, surrounded by strangers who are going through your things and packing them away for travel. And all you can do is hang out somewhere out of the way. So i have spend most of my day right here on my couch doing what i apparently do best....lol. It's also weird to look around and see all my things in boxes and rooms mostly empty now. This time tomorrow it will be all empty. All except for bits of trash left laying here and there. Then the real fun begins. I get to CLEAN this house! Oh yay, what joy! (please note the sarcastic tone) who knew a family could get one house so messy in just a year! We are only 4 people. Only 3 of us were here most of the time though. But still.....just daily living leaves lots of mess behind. oh well.....at least when you move after only a year and nine months it gives you a chance to clean out all those things that would just keep building up and building up over years and years. I felt like we had soooooo much stuff all this time. There was always clutter in corners and stacks of things here and there. And now to see it all boxed up.....it doesn't seem like so much after all. seems like such a small amount for our family of 4 to have. Granted if you saw the trash pile outside waiting on the trash guys, you might know WHY there doesnt seem to be so much now! Thank God they come tomorrow! I'm so happy they don't mind picking up loads of extra stuff and arent the type that only take what fits in the can with the lid closed. I'd be in a world of trouble if they were like that! anyway.......i can't believe moving time is here. I have only a little more than one week left in NY. Never did go to Canada, Niagra, or NYC. Did go to Lake Placid and various little places near me. All in all, living here has been good for us.....COLD, but good just the same. LOL

Ho Hum I Feel Like A Bum

2009-01-17T20:13:00.004-05:00

I never seem to get around to blogging anymore. I don't really know why, just lack of things to blog about i suppose. There isn't a lot going on around our house. Jay has been on leave for the past month. We had so many plans. We were going to go to New York City or Niagra Falls. Maybe spend a weekend at Lake Placid. Just see some sites around here before we leave New York. Guess what we did......NOTHING. Not one thing! Here we are just a day or so before he goes back to work now and we have literally sat and stared at each other for a month. We have barely even left this house! The ONLY traveling that was done was done by him. His first weekend of leave he went to New Jersey to see his friend. Otherwise, we have taken the girls to see Bedtime Stories. That was a funny movie, by the way. And the girls both stayed the night at a friends house one night and we went to dinner by ourselves. That was it! Otherwise, we have basically stayed home and done much of nothing. I feel like such a bum. We have been staying up later and later and sleeping half the day. It's crazy! He will be going back soon and although i will miss having him around all day, it will be good for all of us to get back on our schedule. I will hate having to get up so early again. But it is better for us all when we are on a regular schedule. This sleeping all day is really awful! Doesn't sound like it would be, but it is. You can't get anything done when you are sleeping after all! I think i have seen almost every episode of NCIS ever made though. Now we are down to about 3.5 weeks until the Battalion Ball. And we are at about 6 weeks until we PCS. Also we have about 5 weeks until Kaitlyn's birthday. Lots going on in a short amount of time. We have some packing and sorting to do here. We have arrangements for movers to make. A party for Kaitlyn to plan. Not to mention Valentine's day. Sounds like this time is going to FLY by! Oh and there is the doctor's appointment's I have to go to, so who knows what will come of those! There is the slight possibility of having my gall bladder removed during all this too! Forgive me if i don't update again for a while.....it looks as though i will be pretty busy!

Where does the time go?

2008-12-09T10:27:00.002-05:00

I can't believe so much time has passed since i was last on here! Things are getting better here. We have done some talking and moved past the initial problems we had when he first got home. He's been here long enough now that everything isn't new to him anymore. So while he still enjoys getting out every weekend and doing things, he's not just doing things that are all about him anymore. His Jeep is up and running now, but he's not driving it to work yet because he still has things he wants to do to it, so he just leaves me the keys and i can drive it around our little village. But if i need to go to Drum or Watertown, i can't drive it that far. So i'm still basically stuck here! At least i can get out if i want to go to the store though. But with snow on the ground now, i don't like to drive his car to do that. You know...i don't want anything to accidentally happen to his car when i'm driving it! It's not brand new but it's not mine! Although he says I'll understand and i'll still love you....accidents happen....i'm not taking any chances! LOL So anyway.....we have had Thanksgiving since i was last on here. We had a good day. I cooked a HUGE meal and had TONS of leftovers...but oddly enough...not turkey or ham and we cooked both! We had 30 pounds of meat cooked and lots of trimmings. All we had left were trimmings. LOL We had a small gathering of our small family and some of the single soldiers from Jay's company. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. The guys took food back with them to the barracks for later. And i sent them back with 2 whole pies also. They were pretty excited about that. Guys are so funny! Now we are preparing for Christmas. We have put up a real tree this year. We got a REALLY full tree that takes up the biggest corner we could find in the bay window of our house. But it is so pretty and smells so good! I just have to keep remembering to water it! I watered it Saturday night and by Monday it was all gone! I guess this is a daily thing i'll have to remember to do! I haven't had a live tree in years. And when we did they never looked like this! We always went out in the woods and chopped down our own tree. Being in AR it was usually a cedar or pine. but it was my favorite part of Christmas because it was really the only thing my dad would do for the holiday. We wouldn't really know where to go to cut one up here because we don't know who owns what land so instead of trespassing, we just bought one. We got a very nice, very good priced douglas fir. It's so thick and full. Very pretty. Now we just need some presents to go under it! LOL But the kids are not asking for anything! We have no idea what to buy for them! The one things we do know they want, we would rather wait til we pcs to buy because they can't really use them until we get to GA where it's warm. There is no where to enjoy them here because it's too cold and snowy! So we are kinda at a loss. Kaitlyn does have a birthday about a week before we move so we are thinking she can get what she is wanting then. Keliah, we will just have to wait and see. Her birthday isn't til June and that is a mighty long time for her to have to wait! So she just might get it early! Who knows! So needless to really say, things are improving around here. Now we just need these sinus infections and colds that keep coming in our house to go away and leave us alone! I'm off to do some laundry! Including the sheets....maybe getting all that clean will help get rid of some germs!

The Emotions of Having Him Home

2008-11-12T09:51:00.002-05:00

Who knew? All this time, we all can't wait for our husbands to just be home! Get him here! That's our main focus all through deployment, right? Well he's here now. As i have mentioned before. Deployment is over and he's home. But little did we know that having him here would bring on a whole slew of emotions that were completely unexpected! I knew, as we all know, that readjustment can be a problem. Some guys have ptsd, some guys have nightmares, some guys can't handle life at home. We aren't have those kinds of issues though! Readjustment has been fairly smooth over all. What I didn't expect were the feelings that I would have about it all. The feelings of guilt because my husband is home and he's fine. I know so many women who have gotten their husbands back only to find them injured or traumatized or something that they weren't expecting. But mine is fine! He changed very little. I know so many wives who's husbands are still there. They still are missing their men and have been missing them for so so long and i feel guilty being celebratory because they are still sad. I don't want to make them feel like i am rubbing their faces in my happiness you know. Because i know what it's like to be missing my hubby and seeing other men coming home. I know how it feels. There is also the feelings of instant irritability. I can go from 0 t0 B***H in .3 seconds. literally .3 seconds! My husband is wonderful! He really is....i love him like no one else on earth! He is my soulmate and the greatest person in my life! But for some reason, just recently he can say just one thing and i can just turn into a monster! I never say anything to him or react on it.....i walk away and go and do my own thing. I don't want to fight with him. This is not his problem, it's totally mine. I'm feeling very jealous of him. Everything it seems for the past 3 weeks has been totally about him! I know when he got home he needed some things. He didn't have a coat, i bought him one, he didn't like it. We took it back and went all over town finding him exactly what he then decided he wanted. He needed winter clothes. He needed new boots. Fine.....it's cold here. He did need those things. I'm ok with that. But he didn't stop after that! EVERYTHING is about him. Every conversation, every meal, every outing, every little detail. The kids still have school and everything is great with them. Their lives are still normal for the most part. Daddy is home and that just makes it even better for them. He has work a few days a week. Right now he is on long weekends. They are supposed to stay on those until block leave. Block leave is over Christmas and New Years. He's not doing a lot at work, but he gets to go every day. He's been driving our only car, which leaves me car less. So i'm stuck in the house. So basically, everyone's lives are normal and good except for mine and mine has changed completely! Over this past weekend he found himself a Jeep Wrangler so we went and bought it for him. It needs a little work though so it isn't drivable. But he eventually will have his own vehicle. Which means i'll have mine back. My problem with this is that every thing since he found this Jeep has been about the Jeep! I'm not joking when i say everything. He gets online to look for accessories for it. Every conversation he mentions it. We went yesterday to buy me a chain for the pendant he brought me home from Iraq (finally) and after we got it the first thing he says is "You now have the equivalent of my Jeep hanging around your neck". Why couldn't i just enjoy that moment without hearing that word? I know he's happy he got his own car but seriously......i feel like the Jeep is more important to him than I am! I say something to him about it in a non-confrontational way just trying to let him know that i feel neglected and i want his attention. But he just doesnt get it. He thinks if i want his attention it means that i either want him to take me somewhere, spend money on me, or i want sex. Maybe just maybe all i want his a conversation with him or to watch a movie that we BOTH like or to play a game on xbox with him or something. We don't have to go out, we don't have to spend money (he's done enough of that), and it's not always about sex! We have LOTS of that! I did tell him i'd like some new positions added to that though. I just can't believe what it takes to get him to see that i need HIM. We did finally play some xbox the other day. It was nice. We spent literally HOURS playing CSI on xbox. It has been my favorite night since he has been home. I cooked his favorite meal for him after that. Even though i despise meatloaf. He loves it. I hope he realizes that when he does little things like just spend simple time with me, i do even more for him! He shouldn't do things for me just for that reason but it helps! So anyway....thanks for listening! I needed to get all that out. I feel like this has all been an emotional roller coaster. But i also feel like if you admit that things are less than heavenly then you are failing at something. Even though we all seem to have some little bump in the road with readjustments. Having him home is wonderful but some days we do definitely need our space! I don't know how my friends have done it when their husbands have had injuries and things when everything has HAD to be about them. I know it's been a difficult adjustment at times for me and my selfish nature. I commend those of you who have given up so much of your time unselfishly for your husbands. You are wonderful people! and i am praying for you!

The End

2008-10-24T22:58:00.002-04:00

Yes yes yes! I can honestly tell you all this deployment business does come to an end! Ours ended a couple days ago. My husband came home! It has been great to have him home. To be able to hold him when i want, to feel his face, to smell him, to just see him sitting on the couch. I can see him just kicking back hanging with his friends, playing video games, grilling for the masses, having a good time. It's fantastic! We typically fall right back into our normal routine after he's been gone. Which is great that we can do that. There are minimal problems adjusting. That's a wonderful thing! There are a few things i have a problem with however. I often worry that i will do something to startle him in his sleep. Or i will say the wrong thing and it will set off his temper or something because i don't quite know how he is just yet with everything. Not that he has a bad temper but he's just coming back from a war zone so it could be on a short fuse right now. i dont know. I worry that he won't talk to me. And so far he isn't. He's talking to his buddies though. I guess they understand and i don't. And that's cool. As long as he is talking to someone. He's not shutting me out of his life or anything. But we will have to stop ignoring the elephant in the corner and eventually talk about it. And we will. Right now we are just giving it time. It's only been a couple days. And he's not showing any signs of problems, he's just still adjusting to life at home. That's to be expected. The good news is he is here! And that is all that matters. Deployment does end and it is spectacular!

Deployment Stories

2008-10-14T14:14:00.003-04:00

Apparently everyone going through a deployment has their own version of a deployment story. Some like to write them down either on paper or in a blog and some just like to talk about them with others. I haven't really given this topic a lot of thought. I guess you all have read my deployment story as it has happened. It's pretty well been here in this blog. There are, i admit, some things i haven't put here, they are in my personal handwritten journal. Some thoughts and emotions are just too personal. Which i find surprising considering some of the things i have put in here! Anyway.....i was reading some other military wives thoughts on deployment and things that concern them this morning. They were talking about things that i never really gave much thought to, things that seemed second nature to me. These are women who are in the beginning stages of deployment. Some are talking about seeing their husbands for the first time with his weapon, how that isn't the man they married. That it made the "soldier thing" more real for them. They were more taken aback by it and affected by it than they had expected to be. Personally, i know he carries a weapon. Although my husband is not infantry and these women are married to infantrymen. I still know my husband carries a weapon. They certainly should have known! Another thing they were talking about is how he seems to "put his game face on" at the end of a phone call and they can tell before he says goodbye. They can feel the shift in conversation. He'll be talking and laughing then suddenly he is stiff and deep voiced and rushed to go. Again i gotta say i've really not experienced this that i recall. My hubby is mine when he's with me. On the phone or internet or whatever, he's mine until he says Talk to you soon and hangs up. Then he's a soldier again. But in many ways i am blessed with my husband. We are among the few apparently who go through deployment and come out stronger. I know he loves me. I love him. He's the greatest part of my life. Unlike so many i have heard about or know personally, we didn't fight during deployment. We didn't have trust issues or other problems. And now we are at the end of deployment. Just days away from seeing one another again. I am so anxious and so excited! We have been through this roller coaster of deployment now and this is the good part! Come on lets get on with it! I'm tired of waiting! A year ago i remember writing that I wish it was a year from now. Well here we are and it's like time is standing still! I'm so anxious to touch his face. To see his smile. To gaze into his eyes. To hug him. To sit on the couch and just know he is there. To cook dinner knowing he will eat it. To sleep knowing he is sleeping in the same bed. I just think it is funny to think about the stages of deployment and how we all adjust. We go from craving a phone call, an email, a letter, any communication at all, enveloped in the fear of the unknown to coping, slowly learning and taking it all in, finding our way in the months that drag on before us to acceptance of it all, doing good, everything is on the right path and we are gonna make it to yay he is on his way home, get off the phone and get on the plane, i understand if you are busy and can't call right now, just come home! I have found it funny how the attitude shifts as it goes along. People told me in the beginning that it would and that all this time would go by pretty fast and to just stay busy and find something to do and all these other cliche things. But in all actuallity, they are right. Getting involved in life, staying busy is the key, the time does go by pretty quickly. The days turn to weeks to months to seasons before you know it. I can't believe how fast it seems to have gone. Looking back it's been a long year but at the same time not so long. We have all changed but still not so much. We are more independent but still need each other so much more. We are stronger but still he is my greatest weakness. It really is amazing what deployment will do FOR you when you allow it to.....this is not something the military is doing TO you. Find the positive in your next one and build on it. You never know what you will learn about yourself and your spouse and your marriage!

So I was thinking....

2008-09-24T09:25:00.002-04:00

I really love first thing in the morning. I am so not a morning person, per se. I don't like to get up early! I'm getting better at it. But i've never particularly enjoyed it. I have come to love first thing in the morning. Just after the kids get on the bus, i have my coffee in hand, the house is quiet, it's just me. There is a whole day ahead of me. Sometimes i have lots of things to do, sometimes i have a whole day to just sit and read or write or enjoy what i do. I realized this morning that it has come to be my favorite time of day. I occassionally will even sit on my porch in my favorite chair with my coffee while it is still cool and enjoy the crispness of the air. I used to be an afternoon person. What am i saying.....i used to be a night person! The older i get though, the more i am learning to appreciate the morning. The beginning of the day. The newness of it all. A fresh start. Maybe my Dad was right. He told me once that coffee sitting outside first thing in the morning all by yourself was the best part of the day. And there was a reason he chose the name Dawn for my middle name. I think I am beginning to understand. It's his favorite time of day. It makes me wonder though.......when my parents were married did he ever go sit outside in the early morning hours and enjoy it like he does now? Does my mom know he loves that part of the day? If i were to ever tell her that he said that to me, would she have any idea or would she say "your father?" Not that it matters.....mom is remarried and she is happy and my stepdad is a great guy! He loves her in a way that my dad never knew how to express. And he treats us like we are his own. But my dad is my dad, ya know. And i do wonder if she ever got to know him in those ways. Or did she stay so focused on the things she was so angry about all the time that she didn't bother? The same way he can't tell me anything about the things that mattered to her. Because he held on to what he wanted in a wife and didn't want her to change, EVER, so he didn't bother to get to know her as she grew and changed. Gee.....wonder why that marriage ended? I love my parents but sometimes they are just clueless! LOL i wonder how many more years it will be before my own girls say that about Jay and I. LOL We have done a great job at learning from our parents mistakes. Especially mistakes i saw my own parents making. I'm still working on some things. But as a couple we have worked really hard and we are doing very well. He's the love of my life and i just can't imagine not staying involved in all he does. I can't imagine him drinking his coffee outside in the mornings and me not know it. I can't imagine him drinking coffee and me not stir in the sugar and creamer for him! LOL (while he's home that is----obviously i can't right now) But he does come home soon! Man it is getting sooo soooo soooooo close now! I can just almost taste it! YAY~~~i was certain this was going to take forever to come! But the time has really gone faster than I thought it would. Looking back some of the times seem like they were ages and ages ago. But overall the time seems to have just flown right by. I can't wait for the next weeks to go on by just as quickly. I pray we never have to do this again! But IF we do.....I know i can do it. I will be ok. I have a strength now that a year ago i wasn't sure i could find. It took some time, and some days it falters, but i did find it! And i certainly didn't find it all on my own! I have had lots of help getting here! I'll get to that blog later though! For now....i need to run! Have a great day!

Well ...... what can i say

2008-09-16T17:01:00.003-04:00

Seems like so much going on these days. The kids are back to school. So now i have to fight with them every day over homework. We still fight over bedtime but the fight is more important now because they need to be in bed at a certain time every night. If they aren't we fight every morning too! In some ways i love when school starts because i get some alone time again and i need that time to recharge. But in other ways i dont like it so much because of the homework and other battles it brings on. Aside from this, we also have the end of deployment coming upon us. Thank God! I am so sick of this! You it's so weird that you can make it through the first year of it and think "hey that wasn't great but it wasn't so bad.....i made it and i'm stronger for it" but when you go beyond that year mark and he is still gone, it just sucks. There is no other way to put it. You get down, you are tired, you just want him home, you are so sick of all of it. It just feels like this is way too much on all of you. You are getting crankier, he is getting crankier, the kids are crankier. Honestly....what was the Army thinking when they started 15 month deployments? They weren't thinking family values! They weren't thinking soldiers well being. I know what they were thinking.....they were thinking....more time 'boots on the ground' doing the job, less time in transition period, more effective work being done. In theory----good plan....in reality----plan sucks. We just need him home now. We need that other person in our family back! He's the other half of my soul and i need him. The kids need their father. We are struggling with some new issues that have recently developed. I think they are part of just reacting to him being gone for so so long. New anxieties coming out and not knowing how to deal with them. That and being excited about him coming home, combined with fear that something could happen so close to the end. They are still looking for outlets for those fears and anxieties and so they take them out on me, or they don't sleep at night, now it is sleepwalking. There is the ever present fear of the dark that is progressively getting worse. New things just keep coming up around here. Please just end this madness and bring him home! And of course he is not part of the torch party so he won't be one of the early arrivals. As my daughter said....with our luck he'll be part of the trail party! LOL Kids just get some things! I can't see that i will do much more blogging over the next few weeks. I could be wrong. But the way things have been going i don't see it happening. Consider this blog in a sort of transition now. I am preparing for that homecoming. My blog is undergoing that same transition. It will be moving from a deployment blog into a what happens after he comes home blog then on to a pcsing blog and then on to a this is our life blog.....such as it is......lol. So just be prepared....you never know what you will see!

Nothing special...just some thoughts

2008-08-24T14:34:00.002-04:00

My deployment journey started just over 11.5 months ago. When it began i started journaling as a way of dealing my feelings and all the tremendous emotions that go along with this journey. I have discovered though that the longer this deployment drags on the less i use this or any other journal. I used them quite often at first because i needed some way to get all the stuff out. I missed him so much. I had been so used to having him gone because he was gone to bct and ait for 8 months. Then he came home for 4 months. I got used to him being here again. After all we'd been married for 10 years! I love having him around. I love having him here to talk to and to pick at and to cook for and to take care of and to do things for and just to see every day. Just his presence makes every day better. When he left again it left a HUGE hole in my life. I needed my blogging and journaling to help fill the void. It was a way to fill the time and to get the stuff out and now he's been gone for so long i find that i just don't need it as much. I have learned to cope with the feelings and i fill the void with other activities. That certainly doesn't mean that i miss him any less. I am just not as consumed with it as i was 11 months ago. During this time i have learned that time does march on. The kids have completed another year of school. We are almost through another summer. We have celebrated each of our birthdays and every holiday. We are only a couple weeks from the one year mark. We have learned to get through the days and go on. I hate that actually. You would think that i would like that i have learned to get on from day to day. But i hate it. To me it means that i am getting used to him not being here. And that is just sad. I dont like him not being here. But at the same time, it is really a good thing because i am not angry over him being gone like i once was. And we are really getting close to him coming home now. So that is even better. anyway.....i have just been thinking lately about why i haven't been blogging as much as i used to and this has a lot to do with it. I am certain there are other reasons. But i think this is a huge part of it. I just don't have as much to say as i once did. I am not angry anymore. I am not looking for a way to fill a void in my life. The void is still there.....it just isn't as dominant. It doesnt take over my every thought any longer. I miss him of course. I will always miss him. Every day. Until i can hold him again. But I don't have to yell at the world about it anymore!

The Best of Times?

2008-08-22T08:18:00.002-04:00

I took my girls out last night for our end of the summer fun night. We went to the drive in theater to see a couple movies. At our drive in theater when you pay for the first movie you can stay for the second one too. Which is great, except that it is really hard on the car battery! Because you get the sound through the radio not a speaker like in the 60's. But it's just really cool that we still have a drive in theater to go see movies! My kids had only seen those in Grease! I remember when i was little going to the old Razorback Drive In with my parents and our neighbors and their kids. We would take their big old full sized bronco and take the top off of it so everyone could see and snuggle under some blankets and take our own snacks and just kick back and enjoy the movie. The best part is though, like last night, my kids took their showers before we went, they went in their jammies, i went in my jammies. We took our blankets. And we all just snuggled in and enjoyed. So if the kids get sleepy they can go to sleep. And mom and dad can snuggle together! LOL Too bad dad isn't home right now! We all love the modern conveniences we have now....our laptops, wireless internet even at mcdonalds, our cell phones, internet on our cell phones, everything we need and want is at our fingertips. We can watch movies on our iPods. We can watch movies at home. We don't really have to go out to see a movie any more. But when we do, we can be as comfortable as we want. It can be just like home. Even i was excited about the fact that the drive in has wireless internet service! I took my laptop and between movies i was online checking my myspace and seeing who was online to chat with! I of course had my cell phone with me so during the first movie i was talking to my mom, you can't do that in a regular theater. But then it got me thinking.....is all that really necessary? Isn't the point to spend time with family? How are we spending time with family if we are on the phone and computer even when we are out? Is this really the best of times? Sure these conveniences make our lives better in many ways. I couldn't imagine my husband being gone right now and not having my cell phone or internet. If all i had to depend on for communication was my house phone and the postal service i'd never leave my house! But i could easily have let my cell phone and my laptop ruin the time i spent with my kids. I could easily have let it all have get in my way and i would have missed the night sky and the meteor shower we saw. It was a perfect night at the drive in. We all kept thinking we were seeing things. At first it was like a shooting star or two then they were more frequent. We noticed there were several small ones then a few larger ones. Had to have been a meteor shower last night. There were just too many to be shooting stars. As for the movies we saw.....The first one was Tropic Thunder....i could take it or leave it. It was funny it parts, kinda slow to start. Honestly none of us paid that much attention to it til the last half of the movie. We were talking and just enjoying ourselves. The second movie we really wanted to see though....it was Step Brothers....very funny. Some parts inappropriate for children...only brief seconds. such as seeing Will Ferrells testicles. But overall a funny movie that we laughed many many times at......if you enjoy those stupid humor type movies. After all this is Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly.....yeah...think Talledega Nights. If you enjoyed that you would enjoy this....although this is not that crazy i didn't think. So anyway.....it was funny. I suppose i should get up and get started on my day. I have tons of laundry to finish and I am not feeling well. I think too much popcorn last night! Glad i didnt get the large after all! So i am going to go find something to settle my tummy now and start some laundry. Have fun today! It is Friday after all!

After the Rain

2008-07-10T07:59:00.002-04:00

Does anyone other than me remember back in the early 90's that song by the band Nelson? It was called After the Rain? The chorus went "after the rain washes away the tears and all the pain. only after the rain can you live again". The song is actually about a break up. They are singing to a girl telling her that they know she is hurting but after she is finished crying and this pain subsides she will heal and be ready to love again. But really the words of the chorus ring true for so many things. We have to get through the tears and the pain to truly live again. As we are coming to the final months now of this deployment and i look back on all the pain, i realize that while parts of this was really hard, i have become a better person over all. We still have several more month to go. So there will still be times of pain i fear. But i see now how these times of pain and tears have helped me to grow and have helped me to become stronger. Deployment though a really hard thing and difficult for our family really can be a good thing when you do your best to make it a good thing. I feel that we have done our best to make it a good thing. We have used this time to communicate in ways that maybe we wouldn't normally and our kids have learned to communicate with Daddy in new ways. He's learned new things about them and me. And we are learning about him in new ways also. We are all growing and changing but we are doing it as a family. So we aren't pulling apart. I am hoping that will help in our transition time when he comes home because everyone keeps telling me that the coming home is so hard and you just get adjusted when he starts preparing to leave again. But we don't normally have problems that others experience we normally don't fight. So i'm hoping that helps us too. Anyway.....that was totally not the direction i intended for this blog to go when i started it this morning. I just thought of it when i was thinking of a title and it rained here yesterday. I was listening to the birds singing outside and i thought about how after the rain it is so nice out. The sun is shining and the birds are singing and it's is just nature at it's best. So then i thought of that song. And then i was thinking i wonder if life really is like that. After the rain and storms in our life.....is it life at it's best? We recently experienced some other pain in our life too. Our bird died. We miss him a lot. Taco was such a great bird. Now it's really quiet here. He talked and we miss him greeting us when we came in. Or hiding from us when it was dark in the house and then laughing. He was just the best. Jay says he'd like to get another sometime in the future. I think that would be great. So does Kaitlyn. But Keliah is still grieving Taco too much too consider it. She says she's ok with Taco being gone but not ready to replace him. Well you can't replace him! He was too cool to replace! But we can get a new one that can be cool in time too. We will give it 6 months or so and see. Otherwise things are going pretty well. We are taking walks daily. My girls are taking swimming lessons everyday. They are doing great with it. I'm so glad i signed them up for this. They really love it and are just really enjoying the water. Which is fantastic! As much as Jay and I love the water, it's nice to see our girls finally getting over their fear of it and finding a real love of it too. Speaking of swimming though.....it's time for us to get up and get dressed to go. So i suppose it's about time to stop typing now. Have a wonderful day! I'll return again one day!

Here I Am

2008-06-25T09:00:00.002-04:00

I don't know what's gotten into me lately. I just haven't wanted to blog. Not that there isn't anything to blog about. I just don't want to sit and type it all out. Don't want to write it either apparently. My hand written journal hasn't been touched in over a month. I just don't feel like writing. Maybe i don't want to write out all my feelings. Maybe admitting them makes them too real. I just don't know. Maybe it's just that he's been gone for so long and it's all so repetive that even i am sick of me! Maybe I'm sick of feeling guilty for having fun. Or sick of feeling guilty for feeling sad. What am i supposed to feel? What is it ok to feel? Are we allowed to feel scared? I do. I don't like to admit it but i do. I miss him and i am scared for him. Are we allowed to have fun without him? We do. I hate it most of the time...but we do go out and have fun occassionally. We would go crazy if we didn't. Are we allowed to feel sad? Well i do. I know the kids do. You would think after almost 10 months of this we would know the answers to these questions but we don't. Does anyone ever know the answers? Do we ever really know? We find that happy medium i think where we can live with ourselves and get on with our lives by doing the things we have to do and the things we feel we should do. But i'm sick of nothing being the same without my husband. I'm sick of long deployments. I'm sick of wondering if he is ok today. Of worrying that he is eating enough. Of seeing the pics of him and how much weight he has lost and worrying that he is not healthy. Although he says he is working 0ut and eating well and taking care of himself. It's my responsibility to care for him. And he's too far away for me to do that. I think if deployments were only a year long i could do this....but right now those extra months they have tacked on here are killing me! They feel like eternity! It feels like he will never come home! Of course it felt like R&R would never get here too and it did and it was wonderful. So i know the end will come. Eventually. Today is my girls last day of school. FINALLY! I was beginning to think that was NEVER coming too! After today i will have a 3rd grader and a 5th grader! Boy doesn't that make me feel old! Doesn't seem like that long ago they were in Pre-K and 1st grade. And we weren't a military family. Things certainly have a way of changing! Sometimes i miss those days. But then i think of the things we didn't have then we do now and things we were going through then and i'll take now and all we have no matter where we are! Don't worry if you didn't follow that sentence....i did....that's all that really matters. lol Well...i have about 2 hours til my girls get out of school now. I wonder what i can get done in that time. I'll never know if i don't get off here and see! I'll talk to you all again soon! No promises on that one though!

Wow!

2008-06-06T10:26:00.002-04:00

Things have been a little crazy around my house since my husband went back over there! I had one week of no babysitting and then suddenly i found myself back at it. It seems though that this will be my last week of that though. It was only temporary. Something happened with the girl that took over after me and she didn't have anyone else until June. So she called and begged. lol I'm a sucker so i said yes. My girls still have a couple more weeks of school. They start after Labor Day and go til the end of June. But they also have lots of time off during the year. So i will get some time with them in school where i won't be babysitting. But Brittnie is staying with me too. She has her own place and was staying there too. Things were going great! Everything was normal. But then drama happened. And she is trying to get out of her apartment now and is staying with me in the meantime. Right now she is gone to Jersey to see her family though. It is very quiet here and i am enjoying it. I know that is sad. I couldn't wait for her to get back from Florida. And now listen to me. I am just never happy. LOL I just needed some time to deal with the emotions and junk of this week! I'm so sick of it! This week has been awful! All this drama with Brittnie...Monday started out bad.....Kaitlyn missed the bus this morning (he was early again..had he been on time she would have made it)....plus an incident in my husband's company. They suffered a loss that has been really hard on all of us. This has been the biggest loss so far this deployment and it's been difficult for everyone. But we are ok and everyone is pulling together to make it through. So much information and i am one of the people who calls others to pass out the information. So it's a lot to do. But it will be ok. I'm just praying for the families of the ones who were lost. They need so much support right now. Otherwise it just seems that i haven't been on here and doing my blogging simply because i haven't had much to say. I've been trying to get back in my routine since he went back. Trying to readjust to life without him. After he comes home for a short time and then goes back it's like starting all over! But it's ok now. It's been a while since he's been gone again and we are back in the swing of things. Few more months now and he'll be home again! Just get through the summer and we'll see how it goes!

But yes it does end

2008-05-07T13:46:00.002-04:00

And it ends WAY too fast! So he's gone again. Back to his work. Back to take care of his men. They all need him there as much as we need him here. I just wish he didn't have to be so far away. I miss him. I hate going so long without his hugs and kisses. I hate going so long without sitting down next to him to talk to him where i can touch his face. I hate going so long without feeling his hands in my hair. But the job he does brings others home to their families. He's already helped a really great friend come home to his family. So he needs to be there for the other guys too. He's good at what he does and he needs to do it. It's just a shame that he has to do it for so long. We do have an opportunity to bond over this time that others don't generally have. We truly get to cherish communication and say all the things that we didn't say before the military became part of our lives. We have become really close over these months. That is definitely the advantage of military life. We do learn how to communicate in ways that not everyone does. We cherish each other. We overlook the little things that typically would drive others crazy. Ok so we don't overlook everything.....we are not perfect. But we do learn lessons in overlooking the little things. We do learn that sitting next each other to watch a movie or talk about our day is more important than doing the dishes. So while i am sad that our R&R time is over....i do know that this time has been good for us. I do know that we are on the downhill slide of this deployment. I do know that before this year is done....i will have him home with me again!

R&R...yes it is real!

2008-05-02T23:35:00.002-04:00

Well.....i know it really is hard to believe but R&R is real! It does happen! I really have gotten to see my Honey again! I didn't think it was ever going to happen but it did! He actually has been home for a couple weeks now. Our time is almost up. That is part of the reason why it's been soooooo long since i have written anything on here. I hate that too. I lose loyal readers when i go more than a month without a fresh blog on here. Seems like my life has been insane for the past month though. My friend Brittnie finally got moved back up here. I may have already told you that. So i have been busy helping her get settled in. Then I was getting the house and everything here ready for Jay's arrival. He's been here since April 15th. We went on vacation for like 10 days. Saw his family in Tennessee and my family in Arkansas then his friend who was injured over there and is back home now in New Jersey and we have been back home for the past like 5 days. During that time i also had a birthday. So we have been celebrating that. And we have had a cookout here with some friends. He has seen another friend here who was injured and is back home. We have just spent lots of time together and stayed up half the night playing video games. Then slept all morning. It's been so great to have him home. Now he's going to have to leave me again! I thought i was prepared for that. I knew it was coming. I knew i was going to have only a certain number of days and then he'd have to leave again. I knew our time was short. But it's so easy to grow attached to him being here. It's so easy to just fall into our favorite routine. It's so easy to just love him. It's so hard to let him go. It's so hard to send him back. It's so hard to know that he'll be gone just as long as he was before and that he'll be in just as much danger. More really....it's warming up over there so violence is increasing. It's so not fair that his deployment has to be so long when other's aren't. If his didn't have to be so long....we'd only have like 4 more months. But still even one more day is too long. I love him so much. I love having him here to hug and to cuddle up with, to watch movies with, to laugh with, to just talk to. I love to share my life with him. I miss getting to do that when he's gone. Well....my battery on here is almost dead. I should probably charge it! I'll be back soon...promise this time!

Another Day, Still Deployed

2008-03-26T11:08:00.002-04:00

I feel like i am really falling behind on my blogging. I feel bad about that because i mean to do this so often. But at the same time i feel like it's a good thing because that means i am busy! Man it does seem like i have been super busy lately too! I feel like i am always running. Between kids and school and my dr's appointments and general things i have to do. I'm always on the go! But now here we are on day #200 of deployment. Almost to month 7. it's amazing. We are holding together pretty well i do believe. We are coming up on R&R soon. Looking forward to that. But you know....just moving on from day to day. We had a good Easter Sunday. Kids got easter baskets, we went to church, came home and i cooked a nice dinner for us. Ashley came over for a couple days. That was fun! We hung out and just laughed a while. I love getting to do that! It seems that i do not get to do that very often. I am however, planning to go to the movies this Friday. So that will be fun! My friend Brittnie finally got moved up here last night. She is going to stay here with me until her apartment is ready. It will be within a week or so. Really all she has to do is go through and make sure it is clean and then get moved in. It's the moving in process that will take a while. But after that is done then she will live around the corner from me. It's been great to get to catch up with her since she got here. It will be great to have a good friend right here close to me! I adore Ashley and love having her nearby but she is like 45 minutes to an hour away. for here that is nearby but Brit will only be a mile away! Then in a few more months my friend Star will be moving on up here too! We will all be together soon. Then after that our men will be home. That's a pretty exciting thought!!! We will be back to normal (as normal as military life gets) before we know it. I'd say we are doing pretty well. Just getting on with life as best we can. But man i can't wait for my heart to be whole again!