All this and crazy too!

Same old story

2011-11-30T13:25:00.001-05:00

As always, it's been a while since I've been here. It seems as though I just can't find the time to drop in here and update things like I did once upon a time. When i was a regular at it, i really did enjoy my blogging. It gives me an outlet for my thoughts and all. These days I don't feel like i have the time in the day to have a thought or emotion that is all my own. I haven't had Jay home for so long in one stretch of time since he left for basic training. Now we are at the 16 1/2 month mark. Don't get me wrong....it's nice to have him here. It's wonderful to not have to worry about him being in a war zone somewhere. It's great to have him here and not sending him packages for the holidays. It's fabulous to have him here to see all the things the girls are doing instead of me having to tell him about everything. It's just odd to have him here because I haven't spent this much time with him in 5 years. I don't know what to do with him sometimes because his ptsd and tbi get the best of him. He's trying hard to control his temper and learn what sets him off. And i definitely appreciate it. It's just some days are so hard. Some days i want to know why we have to go through all this. Some days i want to know why our lives had to change so much. Other days....I'm thankful for all we have been through because it's made us become better people, better spouses, better parents. This has all made us have to focus on the important things in life. It's always good to focus on the good things. We've had to learn how to let go of the bad and hold on to the good. Letting go of the bad is never a bad lesson to learn. More people should learn to let go of the bad. More people should learn to laugh at silly things and be goofy with their children. I can't help but think that if more people learned to find the good in life among all the bad, the world would be a better, less violent place. Unfortunately, not everyone handles stress, ptsd, tbi, trauma, etc in the same way. Many people play the blame game and hide behind whatever is bothering them. Many people try to pretend nothing ever happened to them. Others sink so far into themselves that they fail to see that bad things happen to us all and they aren't the end of the world. I had a discussion with a friend this morning about this type of thing. Specifically, we were talking about post partum depression and how some mom's sink so far in that they just separate from reality and actually harm their kids. I just can't understand how that happens. I have had post partum depression. I can honestly say it does exist. I just don't understand how someone gets so bad that they just disconnect. That could just be that I try to find the good in others. Or it could be that I have God in my life. I don't know. I've known Godly people who have gotten severely depressed too. I just don't know. There has to be a reason behind why people get that bad, i just don't understand it.

Mixed Emotions

2011-05-02T08:59:00.002-04:00

Today, i just don't know how to feel. We found out late last night that Osama Bin Laden has been finally dethroned from his reign of terror. He's dead. While I am happy he's no longer a threat to us....i'm also not sure how to feel. I'm scared for our military. I'm scared for our country. I'm scared for what will happen. I realize that people want to celebrate his death. I find that i can't. I realize that people are happy because it's like we finally have justice for all the events of 9/11. I find that excessive celebrations appear to be Americans gloating and that terrorists who are still out there (and there are many) will want to make us pay. I know that realiation is coming. No one would let their "leader" be taken and not do something in return. I mean, look at our country......we are in Iraq and Afghanistan because terrorists had the nerve to kill thousands of Americans on our own soil so we had to make them pay. Just to put it somewhat bluntly. They can say what they want about "WMDs" or spreading democracy and teaching other nations self sufficiency. But really, they wanted to kill Saddam and Bin Laden. And now they have. And really, what do we know about self sufficiency? We buy all our oil from them when we have our own! We buy cars, toys, food, all kinds of things from other countries when we can make our own. So whatever! I'm just tired of people making others feel bad for having an opinion about the death of Bin Laden. I see that there will be things to come and those things bring fear for me. Other people want to celebrate and be happy. So let them. But don't tell me that i "should" be happy. Or try to explain to me why people are celebrating. I know why they are celebrating. I just can't. I have a right to feel the way i feel. I fear for my friends who are in those countries and will have to face immediate retaliation. I fear for my friends in this country who may have to go back over there sooner than expected. I fear for my husband because we don't know what is to come. You can't tell me not to fear these things. You can't tell me i have to celebrate this tyrants death. Well, you can....but i don't have to listen!

Happy Birthday To Me

2011-04-27T09:15:00.002-04:00

Another year older! I look back and can't believe i'm 37 today. It doesn't seem like it's been 19 years since i graduated high school. I can't believe Kaitlyn is already 13 and Keliah will be 11 before I know it. The years are just flying by. But i'm so blessed because i have my girls, i have my hubby (for almost 14 years now), and i have great friends. some that i've known since before i even went to school, some since school, and some new ones that i can't imagine my life without. I'm blessed to have had great influences in my life....family, spiritual, and others. i'm blessed to have a beautiful home and all my needs met. most of all, i'm blessed to have a savior who loves me no matter how badly i may mess up. I find there is no better way to spend my birthday than to count my blessings. I'm not feeling old or anything. I still feel young most days. some days my body rebels and tells me otherwise! there's just a lot of good out there though. no sense in focusing on the bad! i still have a lot of years left in me, God willing.

Separate Lives

2011-03-28T15:11:00.005-04:00

There have been times lately that i've been thinking about my Honey and our life together and our lives apart. Thanks to the Army, we have had PLENTY of apart time. In many ways, I find myself feeling like we have been living separate lives together, if that makes sense. Then i wonder, am i the only one who ever feels like the forced separations from the military cause me and my husband to live separate lives? Now i'm wondering if that makes any sense to anyone other than me? Obviously we are living somewhat separate lives, he's been around the world for more than a year at a time, more than once. What i mean, though, is that our lives are so different during these times that it's like our life together isn't there. Yes, we still talk as often as we can. Yes, we are both completely faithful to each other. Yes, we both have the utmost respect and admiration for each other. Yes, we talk about things going on in our lives during these times. But we don't see each other. We don't have those intimate moments that make a marriage what it is. We don't share every thing that we normally would share. Sometimes now that he's back home again i find it difficult to process that we spend soooo many months apart. I find it difficult to process that he shared his daily life with people that i barely know. and i shared my daily life with people that he barely knows. We have stories and jokes and things with friends that are not part of our life together, only individually. In some ways, yes, this is a good thing. After all, too much time together and sharing every little detail of your lives is not always a good thing. You have to have separated interests and friends just for your own sanity right. But then there are times like this weekend. One of my hubby's friends was killed this weekend. He was no longer in the Army. He was living back home and had been out with some friends. Long story short, altercation turned bad, ptsd involved, hubby's friend was killed. Very sad situation. Brought back all kinds of memories for him. They had been in Iraq together for over a year. He needed to talk but it was hard for us to talk about it because i didn't really know this guy. He called some of his friends that did know the guy and they talked and eventually we talked about some stuff too. But it was really hard for him and it just hit home that we really have had separate lives and it's hard to accept that. Then we watched Army Wives last night. In the episode a soldier was killed. Of course it brought back tons of memories for both of us. He's been the soldier on the other end losing friends. I've been the wife on this end going to memorials, making awkward phone calls, trying to deal with the fact that it wasn't my husband, but it was someones husband/son. I made a comment during the show when Roxy and Trevor were on the phone that those phone calls are the worst, they are so awkward and difficult. He looked at me like i was crazy and rolled his eyes. Yeah, i get that it was hard on him being the soldier over there, it was his friend, and he hated have to call home to let me know he was ok when he really wasn't. But he has no idea what it was like for me to be the one trying to talk to him and having no idea what to say. All i wanted was to make it better for him and there was NOTHING i could do that would help that. So yeah, those phone calls were the worst. But again it just drove home the fact that so much of our lives are separate now. We have parts of our lives that the other will never understand. Nothing that i say can make him see what it was like for me and nothing he says can make me see how it was for him. And we have to agree that it was hard on all of us and leave it alone. But in situations like these, leaving it alone is just impossible. Well, thanks for letting me get this all out. I have a dentist appointment. Talk to you later!

Looking Back....

2011-03-14T11:43:00.002-04:00

wow that just instantly made me think of Garth Brooks. LOL Looking back, on the memories of the times we shared, beneath the stars above, and for a moment all the world was right.......ok i'll stop that now. I was just looking back over some old blogs. I find that i write about Jay a LOT. LOL he's either deployed or bugging me or i want to make a point about marriage, submission, friendship, or something or i just babble about how much i love him. I was just reading one i wrote back in November of 2007 about treating our husbands like best friends when we refer to them as our best friend. Great read....if you haven't read it go to my archives and take a peek. It got me thinking though......he really is my best friend. With his tbi and ptsd, we have been dealing with a lot lately. There have been moments where i have been feeling rejected bc he is being antisocial or he's so tired and as soon as his head hits the pillow he passes out. Only part of this is the tbi and ptsd affecting him. Part of my reason for feeling rejected is because of a bad hernia surgery he had several months ago (October). He hasn't healed properly from it and is in severe pain every day. And now he feels like he has another hernia starting in the same location. He's having nerve blocks done weekly now to help with the pain, but he says they aren't really working. So as you can expect, this is severely affecting our personal life. And logically i know he's hurting and he's missing that part of our life too. But at this point, emotionally i'm feeling rejected. I have wondered if he would be better off without me. BUT logically i know he'd say no to that question. He's struggling and the LAST thing he needs is for me to tell him that his hard times are making me sad. He needs me to stand beside him and support him and let him know that good times and horrible times, i'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not just his wife, i'm his friend. Yes i will always be there to make sure he has dinner, clean socks, a nice home, but i will also be there to listen when he needs to talk, to hold him when he needs a hug, to encourage him when he needs help, to hold his hand when he needs support, to push him when he needs a shove. Just like i know he'll always be there to do those things for me. We sat here last night after we put the girls to bed and watched the new show Coming Home on Lifetime. Seriously this show has been on for 2 weeks and we've watched both episodes. We both cry through the whole show. But it's giving us a chance to talk about the joys of what we have been through. Like when he surprised me when he came home from R&R early. We were planning to surprise the girls together and instead he got me! LOL i will never forget that moment as long as i live. Deployments are difficult, no doubt. The after effects of deployments are difficult, life changing, challenging. But there are joys in deployment too. We just often forget them. Joys don't have to be big like being surprised with a home coming. They can be things like getting flowers from him when you don't expect them (or even when you do), getting to use the web cam (especially on christmas morning), long conversations instead of short ones (or just any conversation), i can go on and on but you get the idea. I challenge you to find the joy in the times of separation and difficulty with your best friend.

This too......one day

2011-03-11T16:06:00.002-05:00

I have found over the past few months that i never know what each day will bring. Since my husband came home last summer, we have noticed that each day is something new. Some days are wonderful, easy, natural. Some days are more difficult, headachy, strained. Some days are just down right bad, trial after trial, can't wait for the end. See....my husband has PTSD. He also has mild traumatic brain injury. One of these can be difficult enough. Combine the 2 and sometimes it's like waiting for a bomb to go off in your own home.....the place you are supposed to feel safe, secure, relaxed. Add in the fact that i also have a mild tbi situation due to so many knocks to the head in the past few years. Each one of his deployments i have somehow managed to hit my head (in the same spot, no less) and end up with a concussion. The first of them in January 2008 was so bad, i saw a neurologist for more than a year....honestly, should still be seeing one. So when hubby's having one of his bad days, and i'm having one of my bad days, well, you can imagine. I feel for our kids. They are 13 and 10 now and they have a lot to deal with on an average day. Some days i just wish they could be normal kids and i do all i can to allow them that time. I'm also going to school full time. I'm trying to finish my nursing degree. Seriously tons of work, but so fulfilling...just what i needed in my life. I am totally happy being wife and mom and all but i have a need for knowledge and going to school is filling that void. But it also has a tendency to make me cranky. And my house has a tendency to get a bit messy bc i need to study so often. (should be cleaning now, but i had a need to get all this out) This leaves a lot on the girls. I know kids should have chores. They need to learn responsibility. And they are doing so good. Of course they have their moments.....we all do, right. But over all they are such good kids and i am so thankful for them. There is one poem that i tend to turn to on those days that i just can't take any more. My mom introduced me to Helen Steiner Rice many many years ago. Way back before you could find her writings on greeting cards. Back when you had to go to a bookstore to find one of her books of poetry. She has some wonderful writings for every occasion. One of my favorites has always been this poem. I have it printed out and hung in a spot where i can read it anytime i just need some words to help me through.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

If I can endure for this minute

Whatever is happening to me,

No matter how heavy my heart is

Or how dark the moment may be

If I can remain calm and quiet

With all the world crashing about me,

Secure in the knowledge God loves me

When everyone else seems to doubt me

If I can but keep on believing

What I know in my heart to be true,

That darkness will fade with the morning

And that this will pass away, too

Then nothing in life can defeat me

For as long as this knowledge remains,

I can suffer whatever is happening

For I know God will break all of the chains

That are binding me tight in the darkness

And trying to fill me with fear,

For there is no night without dawning

And I know that my morning is near.

I just find this poem to be a great reminder that no matter what is going on in our lives, we have God on our side. He is our refuge, our strength, our ever present help in times of trouble. We have nothing to fear with Him on our side. Some days i need more reminding of this than others. But it's always true.

has it been this long? with tbi and ptsd and school and.....who knew?!

2011-03-09T16:00:00.003-05:00

WOW! seriously, i have been away for nearly a year. kinda hard to believe. soooooo much has happened in that year. We have celebrated another anniversary....making it lucky number 13. He came home from another deployment. We have made new friends, watched friends move away to other lifes that the Army is forcing on them....lol. We have watched our kids each celebrate another birthday. He has celebrated another birthday. We are quickly closing in on another one for me. I have started school again. And we have seen the effects of war first hand. It's hard some days and some days are totally normal. I will do another entire blog on that subject. So much there to say! Let me organize all my thoughts on that one and i'll get back to you. For now i just wanted to say that i'm sorry for being away so long. We are doing well, staying very busy, and always thankful for each new day together. I will talk to you all soon. I miss my blogging and i need to get back to this outlet. Especially with all the stress going on these days. LOL Have a great day! Don't forget to come check back in with me! I will be back.

Why?

2010-05-13T13:22:00.002-04:00

Why is it that some days when my Honey is away, I miss him so much it hurts but other days i'm ok with all this? Why is it that on the days i miss him the most, the phone connection just plain stinks? Why is it that when i'm having one of my days were i'm struggling and just wanna scream, my kids act like heathens and do their best to finish me off? (are they really trying to finish me off, or am i over reacting because i'm already in a mood) Why is it that the Army has to be gone for a year and often over a year at a time, keeping us separated for waaaaayyyyy too long, but other branches are only gone for a few months? Why is it that the military can't see that the extended separations are part of the problem with the divorce rates? Why is it that the military can't see that these separations are part of a lot of problems? Why is it that i seem to think that bringing some things to others attention will actually help? Why is it that i used to write blogs all the time and now i'm doing good to remember to do one a month or every other month? Why is it that isoactive toothpaste feels like shaving cream in your mouth? (seriously it just gets so foamy! but i do love the sensodyne isoactive) Why is it so hard to break a bad habit but so easy to start a new one? Why can't we just wish for something like 3 times in our lifetime and have it instantly come true? (hahaha if we did that, no one would be at war bc all us spouses would wish them home!) Why is it that tv is so full of garbage....so many channels and so little to watch? Why is it that everytime i get my nails done, i only pick pink nail polish? Why is it that i can never think of anything to write about on here but i just filled up an entire entry with Why questions? Crazy stuff isn't it! I have all these random thoughts that just float around in my head and sometimes i just need to get them all out. Most people won't listen to my randomness because it can be overwhelming at times. But then i have some friends who are often totally random too. So they deal with it just fine. anyway....i'm having one of my missing my hubby days today. i want to talk to him. Got to briefly but the phones were just awful today so he said he'd get online. I'm waiting. Last time, he got online like he said he would, he just didn't bother to sign in to his messenger. wonder what's going on this time......it's been almost an hour since i told him i was going to get online and he said he would too. hmmmmmm...........

isn't it curious that......

2010-03-24T13:57:00.002-04:00

Today I was at PWoC for bible study time, like i am pretty well every wednesday. We are currently doing a study of the book of Hebrews. If you ever want to do a study on this book, i highly recommend reading Holding Out For A Hero by Lisa Harper. She does a humorous, yet in depth look at Hebrews. She writes in a way that makes me wanna read more. This whole study she has been talking about how Jesus is "better than". He's better than the angels, better than Moses, better than man (absolutely), better than the priests and Levites, better than even the high priests, better than any other sacrifice. Today, we were talking about how He is better than any other sacrifice. We were talking in depth about how animal sacrifices were made and why. also about how the people would just trust that God would supply a sacrifice for them. They didn't have a place where they could just go buy a cow for sacrifice. Then God supplied the ultimate and final sacrifice. all we have to do is trust Him, believe in Him, have faith in Him. Not so hard, certainly not too much to ask. So anyway, in the odd way that my mind works, i got to thinking.......did they have people back in the sacrificial days that protested animal sacrifice? You know how we have PETA today? Did they have people more concerned about the well being of the animals than their own souls like we have today? don't you find it interesting that today we have people all obsessed with the well being of animals, trees, garbage, the planet, and various other things, and not so many people concerned about their own souls? There are people in this world all concerned about everything else in the world but don't care at all about where they will spend eternity. Is that not just the saddest thing ever? Don't get me wrong, i love animals. I certainly wouldn't want to have to hold my hand on a poor cows head and look at it while i'm cutting it in half a sacrifice for the sins that i committed. I'm much happier just knowing that Christ was sent here to this Earth to die for me. He was the sacrifice for me. Awesome! I don't have to do anything about it. I just have faith in Him, believe in Him and there it is.....eternal life in Heaven. i don't have to observe Yom Kippur and go to the temple and remember ALL of my sins for a whole YEAR! I can ask for forgiveness every day no matter where i am or what i'm doing. You know....another thing that crossed my mind.....waaaaay back in Genesis in the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve sinned. They were the first sinners. And what did God do when they sinned......he killed an animal and used it's flesh for clothes to cover Adam and Eve. Would that not be the first animal sacrifice? An animal died because of sin. Hear that PETA people......God himself killed the first animal! God himself set up the whole killing system. and he didn't do it for food. God killed an animal for clothing. He sacrificed an animal's life. Not only that but God himself sees that animals are below humans when it comes to the cycle of life and such. He cares for them, he loves them, but man comes first. So we should be more concerned about fellow men than we are about animals. God says he cares for the birds of the air so why wouldn't he care for us? anyway.....just been thinking about these things today. Thought i'd share.

The Trouble With Deployment is.......

2010-03-22T14:17:00.002-04:00

I know you are all dyin to know the answer to that one....the trouble with deployment is.....it's too LONG! Ok so that's only ONE of the many troubles with deployment. LOL I was recently re-reading old blogs and journal entries from the last deployment. It was VERY obvious that i had problem with the lack of communication we were experiencing. That was a very long, very lonely deployment. He was gone about 14 months. We got to talk on the computer a few times a week and about once maybe twice a week on the phone. Now, i realize for some people that's not a lack of communication at all! I know people who literally only spoke to their husbands once a month, if they were fortunate enough to NOT miss his call. They had no computer time or anything. So in comparison, we were good. But for me personally, it was bad. This time, i have NO complaints about a lack of communication...although i could use some today....over all, it's been GREAT! We talk all the time....on the phone, on the computer, posting on FB....we are communicating like crazy. And being silly and serious and just normal. Except that he's 7,000 miles away and i can't see him. I can't hold his hand and i can't look in his eyes. His eyes say so much. I tell him often that i can tell what kind of mood he's in by looking in his eyes. They are so pretty and blue/gray. They show his sadness, happiness, mischievousness, exhaustion, every emotion. I can hear these things in his voice over the phone, but i miss looking in his eyes. I just miss him being here. That's my problem with deployment. It's just too stinking long. I feel like the Army has stolen him and i get him for the occasional long weekend or vacation. Of course, by occasional, i mean every like 4-9 months i get him briefly and then they take him again. Seriously in 3 1/2 years time, the longest period of time i've had him here was 9 months. And even then he was gone to the field and training when needed. I'm just sick of separation. My kids need their Daddy and I need my husband. PLEASE Army, can he come home soon and just be here for a while? He's done excellent work for you guys. He's done his job and done it very well. But he has a job here too. And it's been lacking lately, no thanks to you. I'm doing my best, but i'm one person, i'm certainly no substitute for him. I can do the yard work, pay the bills, do minor repairs. I can take care of the kids, cook meals, buy groceries, take out the trash. I CAN do all these things. HOWEVER, there is a reason we were meant to have a helpmate. There i a reason i have a husband. We are supposed to HELP each other. I honestly don't know how single parents do it. I'm not a single parent, and i don't like living like one. Want to know another problem with deployment? People just dont get it. Unless they have been through it, they don't get it. I often get comments like "I wish my husband would go away for a while". yeah, you might.....but trust me, not like this. There's the ever popular "my husband was on a business trip for like a week and i almost went crazy. i know it's hard" Yep, it's hard! That first week was really difficult. The other 14 months......you have NO idea! it gets harder the longer he's gone. He's tired, i'm tired, the kids are frustrated and we are all just really edgy! (to say the least) Then there's the times we get accused of shutting everyone out and trying to carry the burden alone. Not carrying the burden alone, i assure you. I have friends. I have wonderful friends.....friends who understand. They know when i say "i'm having one of those days" not to ask. Just offer a hug, a cup of coffee, a prayer and move on. They know when i say "could use some prayers right now" that i won't be telling them why and they don't need to know why. I realize i have family and friends who want to help. I realize i have people in my life who just really know nothing about the military. But sometimes i just need my military family. Another thing people don't get is that military people are not rich! Yes, we have healthcare. Not the best healthcare, but we do have healthcare. Yes, we have housing allowances. Trust me, they often barely cover rent or mortgage payments. Rent in military communities tends to be kinda high. Because people know what the housing allowance is and they will charge every dime of it because they know housing is always a necessity. and there is often a shortage of it! So then all the rest of the bills that should have come out of the housing allowance must come out of our pay. Which seriously is not that much! We took a big ole pay cut to go military. but ironically, we are doing better. part of that i think is maturity. part of it is the kids are older n out of diapers n such. part of it is deployment pay. yeah we get a little extra to have him gone for so long. i'd rather have him here. i think people think military people have lots of money because we don't pay for healthcare and we do tend to have newer cars and stuff. Well....let me tell you, it's easy to get a loan when you tell them you are military. They know you aren't getting fired and you just can't quit! Unless something unforeseen should happen, you are bound by contract to keep that job! and most military people i know are seriously in debt because of it. I love my husband, i support his every decision, i believe the Army has been good for us in many ways. but i also know that we are not wealthy, we do not "have it made", and i'd trade what we do have to have him here any day!

Here we go again.....

2010-03-04T13:51:00.002-05:00

Why is it that every time in turn on my tv i have to hear the crazy things people are doing in their relationships? By now we should have all heard about former NY Governor Spitzer's affair with the call girl a couple years ago. He resigned as Governor and apparently he and his wife are working it out. But now he says that because the affair was with a call girl and not just anyone there was no emotional connection so it shouldn't have been such a big deal. Well did he ask his wife if it was a big deal? He gave away the one part of their relationship that was ONLY meant for the 2 of them to someone else AND he paid her to take it! Not only that but he went to the same person repeatedly. So how is there no emotional connection? If there were no connection they wouldn't have had conversation and he wouldn't have gone to her so often. He would have "shopped" around. Then I'm watching tv and i hear that there is a celebrity saying she and her husband have an open marriage. Either of them can have sex with another person outside their marriage and as long as they confess to their spouse, its ok. From what i hear, the interview in which this was said will air on Sunday night on the Barbara Walter's Oscar Special. Just so you know, i'm not making it up. I know....it's easy to believe it's made up because seriously how can anyone possibly believe that! I just have to ask.....where have our values gone? I know there are people out there who are having affairs every day. Living in a military community, I know it's a prevalent part of life. I am a wife whose husband had an affair. He used lame excuses and lines like "but i used protection". Like that makes it better! The good thing is that we were able to work through this and are still together and i totally trust him. Not everyone can do that. No way would i still be in this relationship if the affairs continued. Just so you know....they were over by the time i found out. He was completely remorseful. I know i wasn't the wife i was supposed to be during those times too. I know we were both at fault and we both learned from all we went through. It's not an easy thing to overcome. It's not as easy as just saying "well you got that out of your system, lets move on". It takes a lot of faith, prayer, forgiveness, and work. But i've also learned that marriage in general takes a lot of faith, prayer, forgiveness, and work. Even without infidelity in the picture. What part of 'marriage is a convenant that lasts forever' do people not understand? Now i realize there are people who are reading this who have been through infidelity and divorce and specifically divorce as a result of infidelity. But that still doesn't change my opinion on marriage and infidelity. and i'm sure my friends can understand that. I also realize that not everyone who goes through this will work it out with their spouse. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford knows all too well that sometimes people don't work it out. His wife, Jenny, recently left him because of his affairs. She tried to ignore it. But over time it wasn't possible. maybe because he disappeared for several days when he was supposed to be on a business trip and after reappearing disclosed to everyone at a press conference that he was spending a few days with his mistress. I'm sure it was embarassing for Jenny. I can see why she chose to walk. I commend her for standing by him for so many years before this all came to light. And i commend Mrs. Spitzer for standing by her husband. I know she has faced many rude comments from others for trying to be a good wife. I say good for you! If you are both willing to work on the marriage, i wish you all the best. I am a firm believer in God's law. Once we are married it is til death. I know many people see this as unrealistic. After all, my own parents are divorced. There were even years that we encouraged Mom to leave Dad. But for my own life, i don't see this as unrealistic. Who knows what the years will hold.....but i'm hanging on to this. I wish more people in the public eye felt the same way. I really hate seeing things like this on the news and hearing these celebrity comments. Don't they know that young people look up to them? Don't they know they are affecting lives? Don't they know that people will hear that it's ok to sleep around as long as you are honest with your spouse and say "HEY why not"? People of this world would much rather hear what celebrities have to say than hear what God has to say. It's easier to listen to the world. It's easier to go with the flow of the crowd. But in the end, totally not worth it! In the end, so much better to follow the law of God and live right.

Emotions of a Mad Woman

2010-02-25T21:42:00.002-05:00

Today is one of those days. Those of you who have been through a deployment know exactly what i mean when i say "one of those days". For the rest of you, all i can say is, you can never really understand it until you've been there. Whether it's your spouse or your child, or just someone you are really VERY close to, there is no real understanding of it until you have been there. I miss my husband every day. He's the love of my life, my best friend, the person i count on when i'm having a bad day or just want to talk, he's the single most important person in my life. He's my #1, the one i put first for anything and everything. Both times he has deployed i have prayed about his leaving and have had peace about it. I have always known God is protecting him. But still when you get those phone calls......something in your heart breaks. Especially when you find out how close he was to what happened. Today has been one of those days. I got an email last night about an incident. I typically can predict when i'm going to get an email or a phone call about something like this because i don't hear from Jay that day. I'm very blessed because my husband has a cell phone over there and we can text and talk every day. I know i'm blessed. We didn't have this luxury last deployment and if you read back through my blogs and my personal journal you will see that lack of communication was very frustrating for me. Of course Jay always says i know when something is wrong anyway because I have ESP. (extra spousal perception) He's the same way when it comes to me. We just have that connection and can feel when the other is hurting in some way, emotionally or physically. Right now i have Kaitlyn home sick. She's been very sick since Tuesday. So when my phone didn't ring yesterday i honestly didn't think much of it. Around 4 in the afternoon it occurred to me that he hadn't called. I had that feeling that something was wrong, but that he was ok, so i just went on with my day. Then last night i got the email. This morning i got a phone call from him. I can't give out details because it is a violation of Operational Security. But i can say there was an IED explosion. Jay was VERY near. So near it knocked him to the ground. He truly doesn't know how he didn't get hit by it. He was so close. There was one injury. severe, but still only one and she was in front of Jay. He may not know how he didn't get hit, but i do. Every day i pray for God to place a shield of protection around my husband. Once again, He has shown me that He hears my prayers. After talking to Jay, I was suddenly hit by the realization that God is the ONLY reason he was able to call me today. There is no logical reason why he wasn't injured. He was RIGHT there. Of course the first thing i did was thank God. I know that was ALL Him. Then I had a short cry over the fact that it was so close. I could have lost him. I truly have much to be thankful for right now. He has had a bad headache since the incident but promises to get looked at if he still has it tomorrow. He has had it checked out since then but they didn't really do anything for him. The severity of the headache does concern me, but i'm gonna stay on him til i am satisfied that they are taking care of him. In all of this though, we have both said that Jay is doing exactly what he was called to do. Even as much as I miss him and wish he was here, there is another person alive today because he did his job well. He was told after all this that his placement of the tourniquet saved her life. They weren't sure she would survive, but she has. They expect her to recover. Except for the loss of her limb, she should be fine. I know that i believe my husband is the best medic in the Army. But i still love to hear when he does his job well and someone is coming home to their family, able to tell their story, because he's so good at what he does. I'm proud of him. I wish he were here, but i know without a doubt that he's where he needs to be. Sorry if this was rambling but there's a lot going on in my brain right now.

Just some thoughts...that's all

2010-02-22T21:38:00.002-05:00

Again, it's been a while since i've written anything here. I know there are reasons for it. Reasons that matter? Probably not so much. But reasons none-the-less. I've been a little busy. I had my gallbladder removed 4 weeks ago today. I am feeling a bazillion times better! No more pain, healing is going well, can eat food again...it's a great thing. Catching up around here after being out of commission for a couple weeks is taking much longer than i expected. But then being able to get up and do anything at all took longer than i expected also! Yesterday was Kaitlyn's 12th birthday. That hit me harder than expected too. Now i think i'm adjusting to it and i will enjoy our last year before our teen years. I am doing all i can at the moment to keep us busy around here with Jay gone. We all miss him terribly. Staying busy helps that time go by so much faster. I am also cutting back on my internet time. I just don't feel the need to be online so much any longer. Granted i do have internet on my phone so i do keep up with some things from there. But i don't sit at my computer for hours on end like i used to.....it's really freeing and i get so much done in the day! But i think the main reason that i haven't been writing is, i just don't have the heart for it anymore. I still have many things that i have an opinion on and would like to share that opinion. i just don't have the heart to sit here and write all these things any longer. I originally started this blog as a way for others to follow us through a 15 month deployment and as a way for me to vent my emotional frustration. I feel like i am dealing with all these things much better now than i was when i started this, and i just don't feel the need to write. I am going through my husband being deployed again. I am doing all i can to be Mom of the year to my girls. I am trying to keep my husband spoiled in the manner he is accustomed to, even from 7,000 miles away. I am trying to take care of myself. I am making friends and enjoying the home we have made for ourselves here in Georgia. I am also still doing my volunteer work for CMW. Currently, i am in the process of starting a small study group for christian military wives here in my area. That's a lot of work but it seems to be taking off so far. Might be really small at first but i count on word of mouth, facebook, and other things to spread the word. Some days i feel like my brain has more things in it to remember than i even know about. No wonder i keep losing things like my ID card! and my debit card. and cash. LOL yeah it's been bad lately! So anyway.....i haven't forgotten to write. Just had other things going on and then when i have a moment, this is just not what i want to do. But i will keep this up. I'm not abandoning it. Keep hanging in there with me and you will see more things. I do have something that i wrote for something else that i may copy/paste over here just to share with those who haven't seen it yet. In the meantime.....take care!

Boo!

2009-12-10T15:14:00.002-05:00

R&R is over! I hate when it's over. I hate sending him back. I so wish he could get a position where he can stay put for a while. I feel like everyone else's husband gets to be home forever and mine is NEVER here! I'm so so so sick of missing him. I hate this empty feeling that is in my soul until he returns. It physically hurts to have him gone so much. The other day Jay and I were out to lunch, Korean food...soooo good, and there was a tv on in the restaurant. (of course, because where do you go these days and not have a tv on) They were talking about Afghanistan and interviewing people about different things related to it. One military wife said "Deployment is a true test of marriage. It will make a strong marriage stronger and a weaker marriage weaker." I have said this many times to other military wives. Sitting there with Jay though, I made a comment to him about it. His response was simple and so what i have always felt. "I'm so glad we have each other because every deployment is only making us stronger individually and together." Definitely what i needed him to say but so true. I hate having him gone. And i feel bad about whining because he is gone. I spend so much time dwelling on how much i miss him and i think about how much the girls miss him and the tears i deal with after his departure...both mine and theirs. I never really give a lot of thought to how it makes him feel. Both to leave and to see us so sad. Yesterday he left again. I actually took time to think about it. This time was so much harder than anytime before. None of us were ready for his time here to end. It went so fast and there was so much left undone. We had some good times and enjoyed it as much as possible but it just wasn't long enough. I also think knowing the area is so dangerous where he is and has been that sending him back there was so hard. I noticed though that he really didn't wanna go. He left a couple videos on my phone and he seems to have a hard time saying what he wants to say during part of one of them. He kept begging me to not be so sad and to not cry. I know it was breaking his heart to have to go. We talked all afternoon while he was waiting on his flight after he got to Atlanta. I know it was hard for him to go. He really wanted to stay. But he has a job to do. And he has to go to do his job. They need him over there. He kept saying that too. I was doing all i could to find a way to keep him here. LOL But he kept saying he had to go they need him. Well i need him too! but i can see his point so i try to be understanding and i try to hold it together. And i try to remember that God is protecting him and will bring him home to me. And i try to remind myself that none of this is in my hands. And i try so hard to keep the family going and not let the kids or myself forget that he loves us and would so much rather be here with us. OH i just miss his smile and his voice and his touch and just the feeling of happiness and fulfillment when he's here. It was so wonderful while it lasted and we have soooo long to go until we get him again. Aw i miss him so much!

Just Sad

2009-12-04T19:22:00.002-05:00

Well, here i am again. Nothing much to say. Just feeling kinda sad right now. My Honey is home on his R&R right now. That's great, don't get me wrong. I'm certainly not sad that he is here. I love having him home. I'm sad that it's almost over though. And i'm sad that in the time he has been here I haven't seen him much. His buddy is here for the weekend. Then we have a couple days after he leaves before Honey leaves too. I'm just feeling very emotional about it all this time. I told him when he got home and I knew he wanted to go see his family that I didn't want to fight this time. I knew his brother wanted to spend time with him and such so i was trying to be less stingy with his time. I didn't know though that he was going to never be with me. We have been pulled in every direction other than together since he's been home. I know he has people he wants to see and i know he has people who want to see him. and i'm trying really hard to be respectful and understanding....after all it is HIS time off. But at the same time, i miss him. I know he's going back soon for many many more months and i'm not ready for that part of it yet. the time leading up to R&R isn't so bad because i have that to look forward to. But once this is over......it's just me and the kids til the deployment is totally over. I'm so not ready for that. I miss him already and he's sitting right here just a couple feet from me. To top it off i feel like the little bit of time we have spent together we haven't really talked about anything. Just idle chat. It always seems when he is here that he wants to show pics of where he has been and what he's been doing to his dad and brother and friends and such but i'm always left out. I told him last deployment when all this was going on that i felt left out and like he was trying to shelter me from something that i already know plenty about and don't want to be sheltered from. And yet here we are in the same place again. I don't know how to be more clear about these things. and i don't really wanna keep having these conversations with him. Why can't all this just be over? I'm sick of worrying about him and his safety. I'm sick of feeling left out of his life. I'm sick of everything today. I just want to have him here. I want to see him every day. I want to know we are ok. I want to just be normal for a change. And not the Army definition of normal. The natural definition of normal. Ok so i'm about done ranting right now. I'm sure i'll have plenty more to say later. at least in a few days. Take care!

The Holidays and Deployment UGH

2009-11-17T10:31:00.003-05:00

As i sit here thinking about what to write this time, i'm struck with sadness. I am missing my family and my husband and my friends back home. Don't get me wrong, i love my friends here and i can talk to my family any time i want and i know my husband would be here if he could. In fact he will be soon, it's almost time for R&R. But as we get into this holiday season, i think about all we are missing with our families and all the things we haven't been a part of for the past several years. I love our life. I really do. But it certainly does make you appreciate the things you are missing from your childhood. We have started our own traditions with our girls and I feel like we are teaching them that even when you can't be with your whole family you can still enjoy the holidays. We are teaching them that Christmas is not about presents and traditions. Christmas is about celebrating the birth of our Lord. And family is not just the people you are related to by blood and marriage. Family is what you make it. We have family every where we are because we are blessed with good friends. These are important lessons for our children to learn....especially in our military nomad-like lifestyle. I am not teaching them anything by moping around on holidays. But i am feeling a sense of sadness this year. Not like i usually do. We are closer to home now than we have been before. So i'd love to be home. I knew it wasn't possible when we were in NY but now it could be. Also, Jay is deployed AGAIN. And my cousin who lives near us here in GA is deploying between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was really looking forward to spending the holidays with at least this part of the family. Cant have it all though and there is always next year. I know Jay will be home by then and my cousin should be home. I have faith that God is protecting them both so they will be home. God tells us in Joshua that he is with us where ever we are. Not only that but he commands us to be strong and courageous. He doesn't want us to be afraid. He is there and He is protecting us. He provides for the birds of the air and He will provide for us. He fed Elijah bread and water during the famine. He will feed us too. He calls us his children and He is our father. He will not leave us nor forsake us. I have faith that he is protecting my husband because he says he is. I also believe God has a plan for our lives and He is not nearly finished with us yet!

Why?

2009-09-17T13:53:00.003-04:00

That's an interesting question don't ya think? People ask it so often and never really know what, if any, answer they will get. But they still ask. Why am i feeling so selfish lately? Why am i feeling like the world is falling apart? Why do bad things happen to me? Over and over again. All i can say is sometimes we feel selfish because we spend so much time doing for others that we NEED to do for ourselves. We feel like maybe all our work is being overlooked and we need someone to focus on us for a change. I know as a wife, mom, friend, daughter, sister, etc.....i have recently been feeling this way. I do everything for my husband. Most of my friends say i do too much for him. But i do these things because i love him and acts of service mean so much to me, that's how i show him i love him. Trust me, these things mean a lot to him too. That's why he's often telling me how wonderful he thinks i am. I do so much for my kids....after all they are still kids. They need me, sometimes. HAHA. I try to be there for my friends as often as i can. I spend time with them, listen to them, go places with them, support them, laugh with them...whatever they need. I listen to my parents. They are pretty far away from me now so i can't do so much for them but i can listen and support emotionally. I listen to my brother and sister. Like my parents, they are far away but i listen to them. I try and support them in anyway i can. It can be exhausting. So yeah, i feel selfish sometimes and i just want time for me to take care of me, to do things for me, to make myself smile. As far as feeling like the world is falling apart, it could be many things. Not taking time for yourself and feeling overwhelmed, feeling stressed, needing some quiet time. For me, i feel my world is not whole and not together when Jay is gone. i miss him like crazy. I miss all the little things. it's the same thing every time he is gone. I just wanna have him home. So the world feels upside down. why do bad things happen to me? Things just happen. No one, especially God, is punishing us. Sometimes bad things happen. Instead of getting angry and blaming everyone around you, figure out what happened starting with you. Chances are there is something in your life that you need to get right. Did you do something to another person? Is that the root of the problem? Can you go to the person and make things right? We are instructed biblically actually when we do something to another person we are to go to them and make it right. We are also instructed to go to a person who has wronged us and try to make it right. If they are not willing, take someone else with us, and try again. If they are not willing, still, keep praying for them. And keep praying for God to open your eyes to something you may have done that you are overlooking and for God to open your eyes to something else you can do. Also remember, sometimes things just aren't as bad as they seem. They are just different from what we have been used to. God uses the times we are hurting and sad to help us grow in him. We are able to use this time to show him glory by leaning on him. We turn to him and find strength, peace, comfort. We can show others that by turning to God we can get through the bad times. He wants us to turn to him. He wants to comfort us and give us strength and peace. He never leaves us nor forsakes us. He is the One and Only, King of Kings, Prince of Peace. He is the one you can always count on. and he knows why.

Just another surreal Saturday

2009-08-29T14:42:00.001-04:00

Well....we have made it a whole month into this deployment. Things are amazingly going well for us. The girls have their moments but they are just moments. They aren't DAYS. A huge blessing after the issues we had during the last deployment. I am doing well this time too. I'm really trying to focus on me and taking care of myself. I rarely take time to do that. So this deployment seemed like a good chance to really do something that i have been needing to do for a long time. So far i have lost about 7-8 pounds. Not bad in a few weeks time. I've been going to the gym several days a week and then also doing some ab work at home when i'm not in the gym. I've completely rehauled our kitchen. I'm trying not only to eat better for myself but also to teach my girls proper eating habits. They are responding MUCH better than i expected them to....especially Kaitlyn. I've been really concerned about not only what she eats but the quantities she consumes. We are all learning portion sizes and good choices but also not depriving ourselves. Sometimes a taste of something yummy is enough to satisfy our desire. We don't need a big piece of cake when a small one or a couple bites will do. It's going really well so far and i truly hope we can continue to stick to it. I am really enjoying having Tammy living next door. I probably spend WAY more time with her than i should actually. But we have been having so much fun. Honestly all we ever do is sit on her front porch and talk or play on our computers or listen to music. We go to the gym and we run all our errands together. Thats it! But it's great to have someone fun to do the mundane with....ya know. I am also feeling VERY spoiled during this deployment....so far. Jay has his own phone over there and calls me all the time. I have even called him a few times. I text him all the time and he has even been known to text back. I miss having him here to touch and to see his elusive smile. But talking to him so often makes everything so much better. Today is just a lazy, sometimes rainy, sometimes sunny Saturday. The girls have a friend over and they are just watching tv. I'm laying on my bed watching chick flicks and typing here and there. It's kinda nice.

A Little of This, A Little of That

2009-08-13T18:39:00.002-04:00

Things are going pretty well here. Nothing bad that i can honestly report. The girls seem to be adjusting much better to this deployment than they did to the last one. We have each had our moments where we wanted to just throw a tantrum because we missed him and he wasn't calling. But overall we are all doing well. Thankfully, i have Tammy next door to spend all my time with.....literally all my time! LOL We have started Weight Watchers, so we go to meetings every Thursday morning. We have also been going to the gym a couple times a week. I am really enjoying going to the gym. I think i may add at least one more day a week to that schedule. I've never enjoyed working out. But i guess my heart is really in it this time. I am eating better and i just have so much more energy. So i've noticed that going to the gym just increases how much better i am feeling and how much more energy i have. I don't know how many of you know this....but i have an eating disorder. I can look at food, even my favorites.....ok not taco's.......and convince myself that it will taste horrible and will hurt me to eat it. So i do good on an average day to consume more than 500 calories. My dr told me and a nutritionist told me that's barely 1/3 of what a person should eat for survival. The average person eats 2000 calories a day. People who are watching what they eat usually stay around 1500. So going to Weight Watchers has been a challenge for me. They insist you eat! and i mean really eat! Several times a day you should have something. This has been a struggle for me. But i have noticed now that i have done it for a week, that i am feeling better. My moods are improving. My energy is increased. I can survive on less sleep. I can actually FALL asleep. AND i lost 2.6 pounds in the first week! Apparently after only one week, my metabolism is getting the boost that it so desperately needed. I can't wait to see what happens from here on out. It can only improve, right. Well that's my hope anyway. So although i don't get to talk to Jay very often....i am trying really hard to make some improvements for myself and make the best of this deployment too. We are planning to take an awesome vacation on his R&R and i wanna surprise him by looking AMAZING when he sees me again! He has called several times. Most recently last night. They are still not at their FOB and are doing some training things. So no missions or anything yet. He's senior medic though this time so i don't know how often he'll actually have to go out on missions anyway. Which, of course i love! but he says he'll probably be pretty bored compared to last time. He's been gone about 2.5 weeks now and he's starting to sound tired already. Most of the time he sounds good. Maybe it was just because he was calling me at 545 am his time! LOL I think that's pretty much all my update for now. I have some other blog topics i am working on, but nothing ready for another intense blog just yet. Stay tuned!

Ugh Deployment!

2009-08-04T12:37:00.002-04:00

So as many of you know, we have begun another deployment. And yeah, i know, he JUST got home! He was home 9 months and 6 days to be exact. But his unit needed him. So the job must go on. Such is Army life. He's been gone a week now actually. So far the girls and i have adjusted fairly well. Much better than i expected. It was super hard to tell him goodbye again. That part hurt so much. But after that we have quickly gone back to a new routine. It helps that we have school starting back this week. Gives us something to work toward. and will definitely help us to stay busy! Since he has been gone though, lots has been going on here! The day after he left, Keliah learned to ride her bike. She just took it out to the culdesac and climbed on and took off! We took pics and video so Daddy could see. Thursday the ceiling in the hall started pouring water, turns out there is a problem with the AC unit that is in the attic. It is under control for now, but will have to be fixed. Thursday i started feeling ill. The girls also had a friend over that night. So Friday was fun! We went out and ran some errands, did a little this and that. Then the girls stayed the night at their friends house. Meanwhile i was feeling worse. Saturday we had a yard sale at my friends house. I didnt do too well at it. but maybe next time. By Saturday night was really not feeling well at all! So Sunday i was so sick, i just laid around all day. Monday i was feeling better and we ran some errands and got out of the house. So now here we are up to Tuesday again and we have to get some more things done around here. I also just found out that the girls friend has lice and since they were with her all weekend, i need to check them for it too. Dear Lord, please don't let them have it!!! I'm so not wanting to deal with this right now. But if they do, we will get it taken care of! It feels like he has been gone for so long! I miss him so much. Seems like everytime he leaves things start to fall apart around here. I know he's the glue that holds me together but apparently he's like that for the whole house. Today just feels like a really bad day around here. I'm extremely moody. I'm missing him more today than i have so far. Which is a LOT because i really miss him when i'm sick! Why do we have to go through these things? Why do we have to deal with this? I know it's his job and i know that we knew it was part of this lifestyle and we knew it was coming but does that mean i have to like it? NO! Most of the time, i am ok. We all deal with it just fine. But today is just not one of those days. Maybe it will get better. who knows!

Are you proud to be an American?

2009-07-03T11:32:00.002-04:00

With all honesty, i can say I am Proud to be an American. I love that my husband is a soldier and fights for our freedom. Even though he has to be away from us WAY too much! He's doing it so that terrorists won't take over our country and to help those countries who have been under terroristic rule for so long to become free. It drives me insane when people say this war is all about oil. Get a newspaper, read up on things people, it has nothing to do with oil. Better yet, talk to a soldier, get the real story on what's going on over there, the media tells you only what they want to tell you. Unfortunately though that country does control a large portion of the crude oil so we get punished for everything by having high gas prices. Prices though that while a little ridiculous, i'll still pay knowing what my husband is doing. Knowing all the GOOD things he did while he was in Iraq. Knowing he helped those people in that village on the other side of the world and didn't take a single life while doing it. I'm even more proud when i think back and remember that my Dad did the same during his time, my Grandpa did the same in his time, many of my uncles and cousins have done the same. Our country has a LONG history of going to war to protect our freedoms and to HELP not hurt those in other countries who are being oppressed. And yet we still have those who feel that our country should just mind it's own business and stop the fighting....fighting that we did NOT start! But was forced upon us. Yes, our country has it's own troubles. Recession sends everything and everyone into a tail spin. We have drug problems and health problems. We have bad things that happen and are part of our every day lives. But we are still free, not under someone else's thumb all day. We can go to school, even if we are female. We can have a job of any kind, as long as we are qualified for it! We can go shopping, out to eat, fishing, hunting, pretty well anything we want to do anytime we want to do it. And we can worship freely, any religion we choose, any time we choose. Women....we can walk outside in shorts and tank tops, without our faces covered. We can kick our feet up on a table while having a conversation with others because showing someone the soles of our feet is not insulting. We are just relaxing while having a chat. Nothing at all wrong with that! I love the freedom of having wonderful neighbors that i can invite over for a bbq on a whim. I love having a wonderful husband that i can freely and openly walk around with while holding his hand. I love having two daughters that i can teach about our nation and our freedoms and i can openly teach them about God and love and all the things they need to know. I can take them out in public and enjoy having kids. We can play in parks and go swimming and doing lots of fun things. and i can teach them that women in other countries can't do these things. So we are doubly blessed to be American AND women! So on this Independence day, enjoy your bbq, your hot dogs and burgers, your friends, your family, and remember that you have all these things because of the soldiers who were willing to fight so far from their families to keep our country free. When you hear The Star Spangled Banner and you look at the flag waving in the breeze don't be afraid to shed a tear or two. It's perfectly ok and you won't be the only one....i can promise you!

Still Growing......Am I?

2009-06-02T15:48:00.003-04:00

I was asked about a year ago to read and write a review of the Still Growing.....An Autobiography by Kirk Cameron. On the surface, most people who have seen this book have commented that they don't think they will read it or that it seemed kinda crazy for an actor so young to write such a book. I was intrigued because (1) I had such a crush on this guy when i was younger (2) he has become a good man and i wanted to know what happened in his life to make him the man he is and (3) i'll admit it, i like to read about the lives of celebreties, in particular those who were child stars and then after their shows were over, seemingly disappeared. Although Kirk Cameron never really disappeared, he just switched from mainstream Hollywood to the very limited Christian Hollywood, if you will. He even says in his book that he was once told of all the religions to pick in Hollywood he picked the most unaccepted. Well....that'd be because he didn't pick a "religion"....he chose God. An amazing thing to do considering the status he had at the time. You really have to read the book to understand how he got to this point and why it was such a difficult thing for him. Honestly, read the book anyway....it was a good read, a quick read (even if it did take me a year to do it.....i had circumstances beyond my control). The book can seriously be read in a day or two. It's short, but worth the read, in my opinion. It will never be regarded as great literature, but it is really worth the read. Anyway.....back to the topic at hand. We all know Kirk was a child actor. We saw him grow up on Growing Pains before our eyes. His character was funny and charming and a wonderful goofball. The child off the camera though was nothing like that. He came from a loving, family oriented home. The only boy with 3 younger sisters, caring, attentive parents who were always there for him. But he was shy. He hated the fame that came with acting. He didn't like that everyone thought he WAS Mike Seaver and approached him in public no matter what he was doing. He felt awkward as a pre-teen and teen going through puberty so publicly. He was raised in a house who believed in morality but not necessarily in Christianity. They believed in not drinking, smoking or doing drugs. They believed in not having sex before marriage and all the other things that good people believed in. They just didn't go to church. Kirk's father didn't want to mold his children's minds religiously, instead he wanted them to find their own way. It wasn't a bad way to grow up generally speaking. He had lots of friends from his neighborhood, a great family, and a dream job. But when he was 17 he couldn't help but think something was missing in his life, something big! He was seeing this girl who invited him to go to church with her family. Instead of saying no, like he considered doing, he went. This one thing gave him things to think about that would change his life! He had always considered himself an atheist. Thinking about God was just odd. He began to ask himself questions. Ultimately, he realized that God does in fact exist and he was missing out! From that moment on life took a new turn for him. He refused to do anything on camera that would not reflect well on his new found Christianity. Amazing for a young man on a hit tv show. Especially for someone of such a young age. Since that time he has married a wonderful woman. They have adopted 4 kids and had 2 more of their own. He has done movies such as the Left Behind series and Fireproof. He has programs running on major Christian networks. He really works hard to make sure God comes first in his life. Toward the end of his book, he asks some questions for the reader to consider. Really breaks Christianity down to its basics.......are you a sinner? Absolutely yes i am! Have you broken the 10 Commandments? WHAT? YES...one by one.....have you kept God number one in your life all the time? well.....no. Have you ever used the name of God, who gave you life in a way as to express disgust? well.....yeah i'm sure i have....i know i have. Have you lied? EVER....even once...any kind of lie...they are all the same.....of course i have. have you ever stolen anything? um yeah....taking anything that doesn't belong to you is stealing....it doesn't have to come from a store. Have you ever coveted something your friend or neighbor has? well yeah....i see things and wish i had them. Have you ever had other gods in your life? idolizing anything or anyone other than our one true God........well probably i'm sure there could be something. Have you ever committed murder? see here's the thing.....he is not just talking about taking a life......but God considers hatred the same as murder. So have you ever hated anyone? yeah....i can think of a person or two at the very least. here's a big one.....have you ever committed adultery? not just the act of it.....even lusting after someone other than your spouse.....and this does include premarital sex. um yeah...guilty. Go through each commandment one by one.....ask yourself. For reference go to Exodus 20. Just by my own admissions right there.....I am a lying, theiving, adulterous, murdering, idolizing, slanderous sinner. What would God want with me? Simple......he loves me. He loves me in a way that only a Father can love. He wants me to come to him. He wants my repentance. He wants me to say "Forgive me for these things, i am turning to you and only you. Show me the way to live for you." And the amazing part of that is he sent his ONLY son, his son who was perfect in every way, to die a horrendous death on a cross next to thieves and liars, and he did it all for me. Think of it this way.....if everyone else on Earth was perfect and you were the only sinner.....God would still have sent his son to die for you. He loves you that much. He loves me that much. Overwhelming isn't it! Just when i have things figured out, or so i think, something comes up and grabs me and snatches me back to reality. I will never have it all figured out. God intends to keep me growing everyday, the rest of my life. He has an amazing plan for me, and for you. But we have to keep learning every day. We have to seek him every day. Reading this book was enlightening for me. I needed something to snap me out of my hum drum life, to get me back in the swing of growing. Seeing that someone else who seems to have it more together than me is still growing and learning was just what i needed. Like the old song says..."He's still working on me, to make me what i ought to be, it took him just a week to make the moon and the stars, the sun and the earth, jupiter and mars. How loving and patient he must be, he's still working on me."

And Such Is The Military Life

2009-04-20T18:58:00.002-04:00

I really enjoy when my Honey is home. It's the greatest times of my life. Unfortunately because of the military lifestyle, it's not often that he is home. After being gone for 14 months, he has been home for 6 months. We are now officially into the longest span of time that we have been together since 2006! When he left for basic training in August 2006 he was gone for 11 weeks. Then we drove down to see him for 2 days. Actually we spent like 8 hours with him one afternoon and then like 10 hours with him the next day. No overnight with him. But that's the rules. Then we came back home and he went on to AIT. Seven weeks later he got to come home for Christmas for 2 weeks! YAY that was great but it flew right by. He went back to Texas after the holidays. I went to visit him over Easter weekend. That was nice. No overnight visit again but at least we got to spend the days and until like 10-11 pm together. After my visit, he was still there for a few more weeks. When he came home at the very end of April, he got to stay with us. We moved to NY and he got settled in his new unit. Four months later they deployed. Now here we are 6 months after the deployment ended and we are gearing up for another deployment! He's in the field this week. We won't see him again until the weekend. He'll be in the field again most of next week too, i believe. In fact for the next 5 weeks if he is not in the field he will be going in VERY early and getting home VERY late. So i won't be seeing him much at all it seems. Unfortunately this next 5 weeks covers my birthday and our anniversary. There are times when being a military wife is the loneliest thing in the world. I'm not going to be out looking for someone to fill that void where he belongs. I'm not the type to do those things. I'll live in my loneliness. I do have the girls to keep me busy. But seriously they hate when he's gone too. So they are not all fun and games either. He's the one who makes my day brighter and makes feel complete. No one else would ever be able to fill that void! And when i see him again, it's the most amazing feeling in the world. I could never allow dishonesty to cloud that moment for me. I just miss him so much when he's not home. At least when he is in the field like this, i can still talk to him. He has called like 4 times today. The good part about him being the medic is that he's not always busy like the other guys are. A lot of the time he is in the field with them in case something goes wrong or someone gets ill or something like that. They have to do additional training for their jobs and he's there in case they need him. Sometimes they let him join in though so he's not so bored. LOL Anyway.....i'm just frustrated today because he's gone for the week and i know that we only have a few more months until he's gone for a year again. At least this time it is only one year. Those extra months beyond a year make it sooooo much harder!

Thoughts on Sex....yes you read that right

2009-04-08T10:00:00.003-04:00

I was on Facebook this morning when i saw one of my friends, a former pastor of mine, posted a link to a video that he and his wife had watched. He said it was a teaching on sex and made him want to be a better husband. I thought...hmmm....interesting. So i clicked over there just to check it out. I ended up watching the entire hour. It was really very interesting! First of all, Pastor Mark Driscoll has a way of speaking that makes you want to hear more. Secondly, he's so matter of fact on this subject, i had to know what he was going to cover. Now i have to say, this is a series he did on the book of Song of Solomon. I only watched the first one. I plan to watch the rest after seeing this one. So before i forget, here's the link..... http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/the-peasant-princess?page=1 to the whole series. If you go to page two, i watched the one entitled Let Him Kiss Me. I gotta tell ya, i was wishing my hubby were home. LOL Not only to watch it with me, but because after watching it, i just wanted to be near him, to hold him close and to kiss him. It made me want to be a better wife! He's reading the first part of Song of Solomon where the wife is talking to her husband in this one. I loved the way he laid it all out there so plainly for us. I enjoy this book of the Bible. It's so beautiful and poetic and romantic. But the way he puts it into layman's terms so we can all fully understand it is great! I don't want to say too much about it because i want you to go see it yourselves! Anyway.....my actual thoughts on it.....I have always believed that sexual intimacy between husband and wife is a gift from God. And that in the bond of matrimony you are free to be who you are with that other person. You don't have to worry about being too fat or too thin. You don't have to hold back. And you DON'T have wait on him to come to you for anything! You can instigate anything you are wanting and you can just tell him what you want from him. That's the beauty of marriage. And God sees it as beautiful. It's not to be hidden. It's not gross or a necessity. It's not just for procreation. It's for intimacy, comfort, PLEASURE.....as long as it is with your spouse! And that's just how sex was meant to be! Jay and I are the type of couple that are always holding hands, or kissing, or hugging, or something. We are the type who cant keep their hands off each other. It doesn't matter if we are in public or sitting at home watching tv. Yep, we are the parents who totally gross their kids out with all the kissing and lovey stuff. But we also know that they will appreciate it when they are older and they will be thankful we showed them what love looks like. We can show them how to treat the one they love and how that person should treat them. We have daughters. We want them to learn from us how they should be treated by the men in their lives. One day they will be grown and dating and looking for a life partner. We want to set the example for them so they will know how to treat their spouse and how they should be treated in return. That's not to say everything has been perfect in our relationship. I've mentioned to many of you who read this blog that we have had our problems. We have been to the very rock bottom of our marriage and had to build a new foundation from scratch. We were married for 7 years when he cheated on me. Repeatedly for a year. He finally told me in our 9th year of marriage. About 3 weeks before he left for basic training. He said it didn't mean anything it was only sex, they never went out or anything. I thought WHAT it's only sex, but that's the part of our relationship that is ONLY mine. You have other friendships. You have people you talk to and do things with. You eat dinner with others. Other people are in and out of your life. But sex is only for me and you. That's it! So giving that to another person is the most hurtful thing your spouse can do. But instead of getting angry and filing for divorce, i turned to God. I sought guidance. We used the time he was gone to say all the things we needed to say. We wrote letters and got everything out in the open. We have used the times he has been gone to court each other. We have built a new foundation and started over with the basics in our relationship. We have learned to truly love each other. And we will celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary next month. I took some things for granted in the early years of our marriage. I took him for granted. Now after all we have been through....i see that. And now i can honestly say that i LOVE having him. I love the freedom i have with him. I love that he loves my imperfections and not just the good stuff. I love his imperfections too. I love that i can tell him that i love his imperfections and he knows that i'm not being cruel. I'm just telling him that i love him, unconditionally, and not because he's good looking or a good person. I love ALL of him! And he can tell me the same things. It's part of the freedom of marriage. I love that when we are alone, i can tell him anything about any subject. I love that i can look at myself and see one thing but he looks at me and sees nothing but beauty. Some days i wonder what he's thinking! But i love that he sees that. I love the safety and security i feel when i'm next to him. I find comfort in being close to him. These are all great things! Anyway....i am just going on and on. this blog is forever long! LOL I'll let ya know when i watch others in the series. I'm sure i will have thoughts on them too! Go check it out!!!! Seriously! GO!!!

New Home City, Still No Home

2009-03-12T12:39:00.002-04:00

We are at our new home post. Finally made it to Ft Stewart, GA. We've been here a few days now. We are still waiting on a new home. There doesn't seem to be an opening on post. We have looked at some places off post but they are in less than desirable neighborhoods. I do know a few people in the area though so that has helped me be not so lonely. We have got to get a home soon! My kids really need to be back in school! They are starting to wear on my nerves. The upside is though there is a playground here and the weather is nice. So we do get to go outside and do things. We are thinking of going to the beaches and Savannah this weekend. The girls are really excited about that. They can't wait to see a real ocean for the first time! That should be fun for all of us. Well today's blog is going to be short. There isn't a lot to say right now and my computer battery is almost dead again. Just wanted to let you all know i am still with the land of the living and doing ok. Just trying to get settled in here! Talk to you as soon as i can again!

Packing Day

2009-02-19T14:01:00.004-05:00

So here we are in late February. It's 2 days from Kaitlyn's 11th birthday. I can't believe she is almost 11! As usual the time just flies by! Today is packing day for our upcoming pcs. Packing day is many different things. It's great because i'm not packing the house! After this is done the movers are coming tomorrow to get everything. But then it's weird because I'm just sitting here, messing around on my computer, doing whatever while other people are doing the work. I feel like the epitome of the spoiled military wife at the moment. It's an odd feeling to sit in your house, surrounded by strangers who are going through your things and packing them away for travel. And all you can do is hang out somewhere out of the way. So i have spend most of my day right here on my couch doing what i apparently do best....lol. It's also weird to look around and see all my things in boxes and rooms mostly empty now. This time tomorrow it will be all empty. All except for bits of trash left laying here and there. Then the real fun begins. I get to CLEAN this house! Oh yay, what joy! (please note the sarcastic tone) who knew a family could get one house so messy in just a year! We are only 4 people. Only 3 of us were here most of the time though. But still.....just daily living leaves lots of mess behind. oh well.....at least when you move after only a year and nine months it gives you a chance to clean out all those things that would just keep building up and building up over years and years. I felt like we had soooooo much stuff all this time. There was always clutter in corners and stacks of things here and there. And now to see it all boxed up.....it doesn't seem like so much after all. seems like such a small amount for our family of 4 to have. Granted if you saw the trash pile outside waiting on the trash guys, you might know WHY there doesnt seem to be so much now! Thank God they come tomorrow! I'm so happy they don't mind picking up loads of extra stuff and arent the type that only take what fits in the can with the lid closed. I'd be in a world of trouble if they were like that! anyway.......i can't believe moving time is here. I have only a little more than one week left in NY. Never did go to Canada, Niagra, or NYC. Did go to Lake Placid and various little places near me. All in all, living here has been good for us.....COLD, but good just the same. LOL

Ho Hum I Feel Like A Bum

2009-01-17T20:13:00.004-05:00

I never seem to get around to blogging anymore. I don't really know why, just lack of things to blog about i suppose. There isn't a lot going on around our house. Jay has been on leave for the past month. We had so many plans. We were going to go to New York City or Niagra Falls. Maybe spend a weekend at Lake Placid. Just see some sites around here before we leave New York. Guess what we did......NOTHING. Not one thing! Here we are just a day or so before he goes back to work now and we have literally sat and stared at each other for a month. We have barely even left this house! The ONLY traveling that was done was done by him. His first weekend of leave he went to New Jersey to see his friend. Otherwise, we have taken the girls to see Bedtime Stories. That was a funny movie, by the way. And the girls both stayed the night at a friends house one night and we went to dinner by ourselves. That was it! Otherwise, we have basically stayed home and done much of nothing. I feel like such a bum. We have been staying up later and later and sleeping half the day. It's crazy! He will be going back soon and although i will miss having him around all day, it will be good for all of us to get back on our schedule. I will hate having to get up so early again. But it is better for us all when we are on a regular schedule. This sleeping all day is really awful! Doesn't sound like it would be, but it is. You can't get anything done when you are sleeping after all! I think i have seen almost every episode of NCIS ever made though. Now we are down to about 3.5 weeks until the Battalion Ball. And we are at about 6 weeks until we PCS. Also we have about 5 weeks until Kaitlyn's birthday. Lots going on in a short amount of time. We have some packing and sorting to do here. We have arrangements for movers to make. A party for Kaitlyn to plan. Not to mention Valentine's day. Sounds like this time is going to FLY by! Oh and there is the doctor's appointment's I have to go to, so who knows what will come of those! There is the slight possibility of having my gall bladder removed during all this too! Forgive me if i don't update again for a while.....it looks as though i will be pretty busy!

Where does the time go?

2008-12-09T10:27:00.002-05:00

I can't believe so much time has passed since i was last on here! Things are getting better here. We have done some talking and moved past the initial problems we had when he first got home. He's been here long enough now that everything isn't new to him anymore. So while he still enjoys getting out every weekend and doing things, he's not just doing things that are all about him anymore. His Jeep is up and running now, but he's not driving it to work yet because he still has things he wants to do to it, so he just leaves me the keys and i can drive it around our little village. But if i need to go to Drum or Watertown, i can't drive it that far. So i'm still basically stuck here! At least i can get out if i want to go to the store though. But with snow on the ground now, i don't like to drive his car to do that. You know...i don't want anything to accidentally happen to his car when i'm driving it! It's not brand new but it's not mine! Although he says I'll understand and i'll still love you....accidents happen....i'm not taking any chances! LOL So anyway.....we have had Thanksgiving since i was last on here. We had a good day. I cooked a HUGE meal and had TONS of leftovers...but oddly enough...not turkey or ham and we cooked both! We had 30 pounds of meat cooked and lots of trimmings. All we had left were trimmings. LOL We had a small gathering of our small family and some of the single soldiers from Jay's company. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. The guys took food back with them to the barracks for later. And i sent them back with 2 whole pies also. They were pretty excited about that. Guys are so funny! Now we are preparing for Christmas. We have put up a real tree this year. We got a REALLY full tree that takes up the biggest corner we could find in the bay window of our house. But it is so pretty and smells so good! I just have to keep remembering to water it! I watered it Saturday night and by Monday it was all gone! I guess this is a daily thing i'll have to remember to do! I haven't had a live tree in years. And when we did they never looked like this! We always went out in the woods and chopped down our own tree. Being in AR it was usually a cedar or pine. but it was my favorite part of Christmas because it was really the only thing my dad would do for the holiday. We wouldn't really know where to go to cut one up here because we don't know who owns what land so instead of trespassing, we just bought one. We got a very nice, very good priced douglas fir. It's so thick and full. Very pretty. Now we just need some presents to go under it! LOL But the kids are not asking for anything! We have no idea what to buy for them! The one things we do know they want, we would rather wait til we pcs to buy because they can't really use them until we get to GA where it's warm. There is no where to enjoy them here because it's too cold and snowy! So we are kinda at a loss. Kaitlyn does have a birthday about a week before we move so we are thinking she can get what she is wanting then. Keliah, we will just have to wait and see. Her birthday isn't til June and that is a mighty long time for her to have to wait! So she just might get it early! Who knows! So needless to really say, things are improving around here. Now we just need these sinus infections and colds that keep coming in our house to go away and leave us alone! I'm off to do some laundry! Including the sheets....maybe getting all that clean will help get rid of some germs!

The Emotions of Having Him Home

2008-11-12T09:51:00.002-05:00

Who knew? All this time, we all can't wait for our husbands to just be home! Get him here! That's our main focus all through deployment, right? Well he's here now. As i have mentioned before. Deployment is over and he's home. But little did we know that having him here would bring on a whole slew of emotions that were completely unexpected! I knew, as we all know, that readjustment can be a problem. Some guys have ptsd, some guys have nightmares, some guys can't handle life at home. We aren't have those kinds of issues though! Readjustment has been fairly smooth over all. What I didn't expect were the feelings that I would have about it all. The feelings of guilt because my husband is home and he's fine. I know so many women who have gotten their husbands back only to find them injured or traumatized or something that they weren't expecting. But mine is fine! He changed very little. I know so many wives who's husbands are still there. They still are missing their men and have been missing them for so so long and i feel guilty being celebratory because they are still sad. I don't want to make them feel like i am rubbing their faces in my happiness you know. Because i know what it's like to be missing my hubby and seeing other men coming home. I know how it feels. There is also the feelings of instant irritability. I can go from 0 t0 B***H in .3 seconds. literally .3 seconds! My husband is wonderful! He really is....i love him like no one else on earth! He is my soulmate and the greatest person in my life! But for some reason, just recently he can say just one thing and i can just turn into a monster! I never say anything to him or react on it.....i walk away and go and do my own thing. I don't want to fight with him. This is not his problem, it's totally mine. I'm feeling very jealous of him. Everything it seems for the past 3 weeks has been totally about him! I know when he got home he needed some things. He didn't have a coat, i bought him one, he didn't like it. We took it back and went all over town finding him exactly what he then decided he wanted. He needed winter clothes. He needed new boots. Fine.....it's cold here. He did need those things. I'm ok with that. But he didn't stop after that! EVERYTHING is about him. Every conversation, every meal, every outing, every little detail. The kids still have school and everything is great with them. Their lives are still normal for the most part. Daddy is home and that just makes it even better for them. He has work a few days a week. Right now he is on long weekends. They are supposed to stay on those until block leave. Block leave is over Christmas and New Years. He's not doing a lot at work, but he gets to go every day. He's been driving our only car, which leaves me car less. So i'm stuck in the house. So basically, everyone's lives are normal and good except for mine and mine has changed completely! Over this past weekend he found himself a Jeep Wrangler so we went and bought it for him. It needs a little work though so it isn't drivable. But he eventually will have his own vehicle. Which means i'll have mine back. My problem with this is that every thing since he found this Jeep has been about the Jeep! I'm not joking when i say everything. He gets online to look for accessories for it. Every conversation he mentions it. We went yesterday to buy me a chain for the pendant he brought me home from Iraq (finally) and after we got it the first thing he says is "You now have the equivalent of my Jeep hanging around your neck". Why couldn't i just enjoy that moment without hearing that word? I know he's happy he got his own car but seriously......i feel like the Jeep is more important to him than I am! I say something to him about it in a non-confrontational way just trying to let him know that i feel neglected and i want his attention. But he just doesnt get it. He thinks if i want his attention it means that i either want him to take me somewhere, spend money on me, or i want sex. Maybe just maybe all i want his a conversation with him or to watch a movie that we BOTH like or to play a game on xbox with him or something. We don't have to go out, we don't have to spend money (he's done enough of that), and it's not always about sex! We have LOTS of that! I did tell him i'd like some new positions added to that though. I just can't believe what it takes to get him to see that i need HIM. We did finally play some xbox the other day. It was nice. We spent literally HOURS playing CSI on xbox. It has been my favorite night since he has been home. I cooked his favorite meal for him after that. Even though i despise meatloaf. He loves it. I hope he realizes that when he does little things like just spend simple time with me, i do even more for him! He shouldn't do things for me just for that reason but it helps! So anyway....thanks for listening! I needed to get all that out. I feel like this has all been an emotional roller coaster. But i also feel like if you admit that things are less than heavenly then you are failing at something. Even though we all seem to have some little bump in the road with readjustments. Having him home is wonderful but some days we do definitely need our space! I don't know how my friends have done it when their husbands have had injuries and things when everything has HAD to be about them. I know it's been a difficult adjustment at times for me and my selfish nature. I commend those of you who have given up so much of your time unselfishly for your husbands. You are wonderful people! and i am praying for you!

The End

2008-10-24T22:58:00.002-04:00

Yes yes yes! I can honestly tell you all this deployment business does come to an end! Ours ended a couple days ago. My husband came home! It has been great to have him home. To be able to hold him when i want, to feel his face, to smell him, to just see him sitting on the couch. I can see him just kicking back hanging with his friends, playing video games, grilling for the masses, having a good time. It's fantastic! We typically fall right back into our normal routine after he's been gone. Which is great that we can do that. There are minimal problems adjusting. That's a wonderful thing! There are a few things i have a problem with however. I often worry that i will do something to startle him in his sleep. Or i will say the wrong thing and it will set off his temper or something because i don't quite know how he is just yet with everything. Not that he has a bad temper but he's just coming back from a war zone so it could be on a short fuse right now. i dont know. I worry that he won't talk to me. And so far he isn't. He's talking to his buddies though. I guess they understand and i don't. And that's cool. As long as he is talking to someone. He's not shutting me out of his life or anything. But we will have to stop ignoring the elephant in the corner and eventually talk about it. And we will. Right now we are just giving it time. It's only been a couple days. And he's not showing any signs of problems, he's just still adjusting to life at home. That's to be expected. The good news is he is here! And that is all that matters. Deployment does end and it is spectacular!

Deployment Stories

2008-10-14T14:14:00.003-04:00

Apparently everyone going through a deployment has their own version of a deployment story. Some like to write them down either on paper or in a blog and some just like to talk about them with others. I haven't really given this topic a lot of thought. I guess you all have read my deployment story as it has happened. It's pretty well been here in this blog. There are, i admit, some things i haven't put here, they are in my personal handwritten journal. Some thoughts and emotions are just too personal. Which i find surprising considering some of the things i have put in here! Anyway.....i was reading some other military wives thoughts on deployment and things that concern them this morning. They were talking about things that i never really gave much thought to, things that seemed second nature to me. These are women who are in the beginning stages of deployment. Some are talking about seeing their husbands for the first time with his weapon, how that isn't the man they married. That it made the "soldier thing" more real for them. They were more taken aback by it and affected by it than they had expected to be. Personally, i know he carries a weapon. Although my husband is not infantry and these women are married to infantrymen. I still know my husband carries a weapon. They certainly should have known! Another thing they were talking about is how he seems to "put his game face on" at the end of a phone call and they can tell before he says goodbye. They can feel the shift in conversation. He'll be talking and laughing then suddenly he is stiff and deep voiced and rushed to go. Again i gotta say i've really not experienced this that i recall. My hubby is mine when he's with me. On the phone or internet or whatever, he's mine until he says Talk to you soon and hangs up. Then he's a soldier again. But in many ways i am blessed with my husband. We are among the few apparently who go through deployment and come out stronger. I know he loves me. I love him. He's the greatest part of my life. Unlike so many i have heard about or know personally, we didn't fight during deployment. We didn't have trust issues or other problems. And now we are at the end of deployment. Just days away from seeing one another again. I am so anxious and so excited! We have been through this roller coaster of deployment now and this is the good part! Come on lets get on with it! I'm tired of waiting! A year ago i remember writing that I wish it was a year from now. Well here we are and it's like time is standing still! I'm so anxious to touch his face. To see his smile. To gaze into his eyes. To hug him. To sit on the couch and just know he is there. To cook dinner knowing he will eat it. To sleep knowing he is sleeping in the same bed. I just think it is funny to think about the stages of deployment and how we all adjust. We go from craving a phone call, an email, a letter, any communication at all, enveloped in the fear of the unknown to coping, slowly learning and taking it all in, finding our way in the months that drag on before us to acceptance of it all, doing good, everything is on the right path and we are gonna make it to yay he is on his way home, get off the phone and get on the plane, i understand if you are busy and can't call right now, just come home! I have found it funny how the attitude shifts as it goes along. People told me in the beginning that it would and that all this time would go by pretty fast and to just stay busy and find something to do and all these other cliche things. But in all actuallity, they are right. Getting involved in life, staying busy is the key, the time does go by pretty quickly. The days turn to weeks to months to seasons before you know it. I can't believe how fast it seems to have gone. Looking back it's been a long year but at the same time not so long. We have all changed but still not so much. We are more independent but still need each other so much more. We are stronger but still he is my greatest weakness. It really is amazing what deployment will do FOR you when you allow it to.....this is not something the military is doing TO you. Find the positive in your next one and build on it. You never know what you will learn about yourself and your spouse and your marriage!

So I was thinking....

2008-09-24T09:25:00.002-04:00

I really love first thing in the morning. I am so not a morning person, per se. I don't like to get up early! I'm getting better at it. But i've never particularly enjoyed it. I have come to love first thing in the morning. Just after the kids get on the bus, i have my coffee in hand, the house is quiet, it's just me. There is a whole day ahead of me. Sometimes i have lots of things to do, sometimes i have a whole day to just sit and read or write or enjoy what i do. I realized this morning that it has come to be my favorite time of day. I occassionally will even sit on my porch in my favorite chair with my coffee while it is still cool and enjoy the crispness of the air. I used to be an afternoon person. What am i saying.....i used to be a night person! The older i get though, the more i am learning to appreciate the morning. The beginning of the day. The newness of it all. A fresh start. Maybe my Dad was right. He told me once that coffee sitting outside first thing in the morning all by yourself was the best part of the day. And there was a reason he chose the name Dawn for my middle name. I think I am beginning to understand. It's his favorite time of day. It makes me wonder though.......when my parents were married did he ever go sit outside in the early morning hours and enjoy it like he does now? Does my mom know he loves that part of the day? If i were to ever tell her that he said that to me, would she have any idea or would she say "your father?" Not that it matters.....mom is remarried and she is happy and my stepdad is a great guy! He loves her in a way that my dad never knew how to express. And he treats us like we are his own. But my dad is my dad, ya know. And i do wonder if she ever got to know him in those ways. Or did she stay so focused on the things she was so angry about all the time that she didn't bother? The same way he can't tell me anything about the things that mattered to her. Because he held on to what he wanted in a wife and didn't want her to change, EVER, so he didn't bother to get to know her as she grew and changed. Gee.....wonder why that marriage ended? I love my parents but sometimes they are just clueless! LOL i wonder how many more years it will be before my own girls say that about Jay and I. LOL We have done a great job at learning from our parents mistakes. Especially mistakes i saw my own parents making. I'm still working on some things. But as a couple we have worked really hard and we are doing very well. He's the love of my life and i just can't imagine not staying involved in all he does. I can't imagine him drinking his coffee outside in the mornings and me not know it. I can't imagine him drinking coffee and me not stir in the sugar and creamer for him! LOL (while he's home that is----obviously i can't right now) But he does come home soon! Man it is getting sooo soooo soooooo close now! I can just almost taste it! YAY~~~i was certain this was going to take forever to come! But the time has really gone faster than I thought it would. Looking back some of the times seem like they were ages and ages ago. But overall the time seems to have just flown right by. I can't wait for the next weeks to go on by just as quickly. I pray we never have to do this again! But IF we do.....I know i can do it. I will be ok. I have a strength now that a year ago i wasn't sure i could find. It took some time, and some days it falters, but i did find it! And i certainly didn't find it all on my own! I have had lots of help getting here! I'll get to that blog later though! For now....i need to run! Have a great day!

Well ...... what can i say

2008-09-16T17:01:00.003-04:00

Seems like so much going on these days. The kids are back to school. So now i have to fight with them every day over homework. We still fight over bedtime but the fight is more important now because they need to be in bed at a certain time every night. If they aren't we fight every morning too! In some ways i love when school starts because i get some alone time again and i need that time to recharge. But in other ways i dont like it so much because of the homework and other battles it brings on. Aside from this, we also have the end of deployment coming upon us. Thank God! I am so sick of this! You it's so weird that you can make it through the first year of it and think "hey that wasn't great but it wasn't so bad.....i made it and i'm stronger for it" but when you go beyond that year mark and he is still gone, it just sucks. There is no other way to put it. You get down, you are tired, you just want him home, you are so sick of all of it. It just feels like this is way too much on all of you. You are getting crankier, he is getting crankier, the kids are crankier. Honestly....what was the Army thinking when they started 15 month deployments? They weren't thinking family values! They weren't thinking soldiers well being. I know what they were thinking.....they were thinking....more time 'boots on the ground' doing the job, less time in transition period, more effective work being done. In theory----good plan....in reality----plan sucks. We just need him home now. We need that other person in our family back! He's the other half of my soul and i need him. The kids need their father. We are struggling with some new issues that have recently developed. I think they are part of just reacting to him being gone for so so long. New anxieties coming out and not knowing how to deal with them. That and being excited about him coming home, combined with fear that something could happen so close to the end. They are still looking for outlets for those fears and anxieties and so they take them out on me, or they don't sleep at night, now it is sleepwalking. There is the ever present fear of the dark that is progressively getting worse. New things just keep coming up around here. Please just end this madness and bring him home! And of course he is not part of the torch party so he won't be one of the early arrivals. As my daughter said....with our luck he'll be part of the trail party! LOL Kids just get some things! I can't see that i will do much more blogging over the next few weeks. I could be wrong. But the way things have been going i don't see it happening. Consider this blog in a sort of transition now. I am preparing for that homecoming. My blog is undergoing that same transition. It will be moving from a deployment blog into a what happens after he comes home blog then on to a pcsing blog and then on to a this is our life blog.....such as it is......lol. So just be prepared....you never know what you will see!

Nothing special...just some thoughts

2008-08-24T14:34:00.002-04:00

My deployment journey started just over 11.5 months ago. When it began i started journaling as a way of dealing my feelings and all the tremendous emotions that go along with this journey. I have discovered though that the longer this deployment drags on the less i use this or any other journal. I used them quite often at first because i needed some way to get all the stuff out. I missed him so much. I had been so used to having him gone because he was gone to bct and ait for 8 months. Then he came home for 4 months. I got used to him being here again. After all we'd been married for 10 years! I love having him around. I love having him here to talk to and to pick at and to cook for and to take care of and to do things for and just to see every day. Just his presence makes every day better. When he left again it left a HUGE hole in my life. I needed my blogging and journaling to help fill the void. It was a way to fill the time and to get the stuff out and now he's been gone for so long i find that i just don't need it as much. I have learned to cope with the feelings and i fill the void with other activities. That certainly doesn't mean that i miss him any less. I am just not as consumed with it as i was 11 months ago. During this time i have learned that time does march on. The kids have completed another year of school. We are almost through another summer. We have celebrated each of our birthdays and every holiday. We are only a couple weeks from the one year mark. We have learned to get through the days and go on. I hate that actually. You would think that i would like that i have learned to get on from day to day. But i hate it. To me it means that i am getting used to him not being here. And that is just sad. I dont like him not being here. But at the same time, it is really a good thing because i am not angry over him being gone like i once was. And we are really getting close to him coming home now. So that is even better. anyway.....i have just been thinking lately about why i haven't been blogging as much as i used to and this has a lot to do with it. I am certain there are other reasons. But i think this is a huge part of it. I just don't have as much to say as i once did. I am not angry anymore. I am not looking for a way to fill a void in my life. The void is still there.....it just isn't as dominant. It doesnt take over my every thought any longer. I miss him of course. I will always miss him. Every day. Until i can hold him again. But I don't have to yell at the world about it anymore!

The Best of Times?

2008-08-22T08:18:00.002-04:00

I took my girls out last night for our end of the summer fun night. We went to the drive in theater to see a couple movies. At our drive in theater when you pay for the first movie you can stay for the second one too. Which is great, except that it is really hard on the car battery! Because you get the sound through the radio not a speaker like in the 60's. But it's just really cool that we still have a drive in theater to go see movies! My kids had only seen those in Grease! I remember when i was little going to the old Razorback Drive In with my parents and our neighbors and their kids. We would take their big old full sized bronco and take the top off of it so everyone could see and snuggle under some blankets and take our own snacks and just kick back and enjoy the movie. The best part is though, like last night, my kids took their showers before we went, they went in their jammies, i went in my jammies. We took our blankets. And we all just snuggled in and enjoyed. So if the kids get sleepy they can go to sleep. And mom and dad can snuggle together! LOL Too bad dad isn't home right now! We all love the modern conveniences we have now....our laptops, wireless internet even at mcdonalds, our cell phones, internet on our cell phones, everything we need and want is at our fingertips. We can watch movies on our iPods. We can watch movies at home. We don't really have to go out to see a movie any more. But when we do, we can be as comfortable as we want. It can be just like home. Even i was excited about the fact that the drive in has wireless internet service! I took my laptop and between movies i was online checking my myspace and seeing who was online to chat with! I of course had my cell phone with me so during the first movie i was talking to my mom, you can't do that in a regular theater. But then it got me thinking.....is all that really necessary? Isn't the point to spend time with family? How are we spending time with family if we are on the phone and computer even when we are out? Is this really the best of times? Sure these conveniences make our lives better in many ways. I couldn't imagine my husband being gone right now and not having my cell phone or internet. If all i had to depend on for communication was my house phone and the postal service i'd never leave my house! But i could easily have let my cell phone and my laptop ruin the time i spent with my kids. I could easily have let it all have get in my way and i would have missed the night sky and the meteor shower we saw. It was a perfect night at the drive in. We all kept thinking we were seeing things. At first it was like a shooting star or two then they were more frequent. We noticed there were several small ones then a few larger ones. Had to have been a meteor shower last night. There were just too many to be shooting stars. As for the movies we saw.....The first one was Tropic Thunder....i could take it or leave it. It was funny it parts, kinda slow to start. Honestly none of us paid that much attention to it til the last half of the movie. We were talking and just enjoying ourselves. The second movie we really wanted to see though....it was Step Brothers....very funny. Some parts inappropriate for children...only brief seconds. such as seeing Will Ferrells testicles. But overall a funny movie that we laughed many many times at......if you enjoy those stupid humor type movies. After all this is Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly.....yeah...think Talledega Nights. If you enjoyed that you would enjoy this....although this is not that crazy i didn't think. So anyway.....it was funny. I suppose i should get up and get started on my day. I have tons of laundry to finish and I am not feeling well. I think too much popcorn last night! Glad i didnt get the large after all! So i am going to go find something to settle my tummy now and start some laundry. Have fun today! It is Friday after all!

After the Rain

2008-07-10T07:59:00.002-04:00

Does anyone other than me remember back in the early 90's that song by the band Nelson? It was called After the Rain? The chorus went "after the rain washes away the tears and all the pain. only after the rain can you live again". The song is actually about a break up. They are singing to a girl telling her that they know she is hurting but after she is finished crying and this pain subsides she will heal and be ready to love again. But really the words of the chorus ring true for so many things. We have to get through the tears and the pain to truly live again. As we are coming to the final months now of this deployment and i look back on all the pain, i realize that while parts of this was really hard, i have become a better person over all. We still have several more month to go. So there will still be times of pain i fear. But i see now how these times of pain and tears have helped me to grow and have helped me to become stronger. Deployment though a really hard thing and difficult for our family really can be a good thing when you do your best to make it a good thing. I feel that we have done our best to make it a good thing. We have used this time to communicate in ways that maybe we wouldn't normally and our kids have learned to communicate with Daddy in new ways. He's learned new things about them and me. And we are learning about him in new ways also. We are all growing and changing but we are doing it as a family. So we aren't pulling apart. I am hoping that will help in our transition time when he comes home because everyone keeps telling me that the coming home is so hard and you just get adjusted when he starts preparing to leave again. But we don't normally have problems that others experience we normally don't fight. So i'm hoping that helps us too. Anyway.....that was totally not the direction i intended for this blog to go when i started it this morning. I just thought of it when i was thinking of a title and it rained here yesterday. I was listening to the birds singing outside and i thought about how after the rain it is so nice out. The sun is shining and the birds are singing and it's is just nature at it's best. So then i thought of that song. And then i was thinking i wonder if life really is like that. After the rain and storms in our life.....is it life at it's best? We recently experienced some other pain in our life too. Our bird died. We miss him a lot. Taco was such a great bird. Now it's really quiet here. He talked and we miss him greeting us when we came in. Or hiding from us when it was dark in the house and then laughing. He was just the best. Jay says he'd like to get another sometime in the future. I think that would be great. So does Kaitlyn. But Keliah is still grieving Taco too much too consider it. She says she's ok with Taco being gone but not ready to replace him. Well you can't replace him! He was too cool to replace! But we can get a new one that can be cool in time too. We will give it 6 months or so and see. Otherwise things are going pretty well. We are taking walks daily. My girls are taking swimming lessons everyday. They are doing great with it. I'm so glad i signed them up for this. They really love it and are just really enjoying the water. Which is fantastic! As much as Jay and I love the water, it's nice to see our girls finally getting over their fear of it and finding a real love of it too. Speaking of swimming though.....it's time for us to get up and get dressed to go. So i suppose it's about time to stop typing now. Have a wonderful day! I'll return again one day!

Here I Am

2008-06-25T09:00:00.002-04:00

I don't know what's gotten into me lately. I just haven't wanted to blog. Not that there isn't anything to blog about. I just don't want to sit and type it all out. Don't want to write it either apparently. My hand written journal hasn't been touched in over a month. I just don't feel like writing. Maybe i don't want to write out all my feelings. Maybe admitting them makes them too real. I just don't know. Maybe it's just that he's been gone for so long and it's all so repetive that even i am sick of me! Maybe I'm sick of feeling guilty for having fun. Or sick of feeling guilty for feeling sad. What am i supposed to feel? What is it ok to feel? Are we allowed to feel scared? I do. I don't like to admit it but i do. I miss him and i am scared for him. Are we allowed to have fun without him? We do. I hate it most of the time...but we do go out and have fun occassionally. We would go crazy if we didn't. Are we allowed to feel sad? Well i do. I know the kids do. You would think after almost 10 months of this we would know the answers to these questions but we don't. Does anyone ever know the answers? Do we ever really know? We find that happy medium i think where we can live with ourselves and get on with our lives by doing the things we have to do and the things we feel we should do. But i'm sick of nothing being the same without my husband. I'm sick of long deployments. I'm sick of wondering if he is ok today. Of worrying that he is eating enough. Of seeing the pics of him and how much weight he has lost and worrying that he is not healthy. Although he says he is working 0ut and eating well and taking care of himself. It's my responsibility to care for him. And he's too far away for me to do that. I think if deployments were only a year long i could do this....but right now those extra months they have tacked on here are killing me! They feel like eternity! It feels like he will never come home! Of course it felt like R&R would never get here too and it did and it was wonderful. So i know the end will come. Eventually. Today is my girls last day of school. FINALLY! I was beginning to think that was NEVER coming too! After today i will have a 3rd grader and a 5th grader! Boy doesn't that make me feel old! Doesn't seem like that long ago they were in Pre-K and 1st grade. And we weren't a military family. Things certainly have a way of changing! Sometimes i miss those days. But then i think of the things we didn't have then we do now and things we were going through then and i'll take now and all we have no matter where we are! Don't worry if you didn't follow that sentence....i did....that's all that really matters. lol Well...i have about 2 hours til my girls get out of school now. I wonder what i can get done in that time. I'll never know if i don't get off here and see! I'll talk to you all again soon! No promises on that one though!

Wow!

2008-06-06T10:26:00.002-04:00

Things have been a little crazy around my house since my husband went back over there! I had one week of no babysitting and then suddenly i found myself back at it. It seems though that this will be my last week of that though. It was only temporary. Something happened with the girl that took over after me and she didn't have anyone else until June. So she called and begged. lol I'm a sucker so i said yes. My girls still have a couple more weeks of school. They start after Labor Day and go til the end of June. But they also have lots of time off during the year. So i will get some time with them in school where i won't be babysitting. But Brittnie is staying with me too. She has her own place and was staying there too. Things were going great! Everything was normal. But then drama happened. And she is trying to get out of her apartment now and is staying with me in the meantime. Right now she is gone to Jersey to see her family though. It is very quiet here and i am enjoying it. I know that is sad. I couldn't wait for her to get back from Florida. And now listen to me. I am just never happy. LOL I just needed some time to deal with the emotions and junk of this week! I'm so sick of it! This week has been awful! All this drama with Brittnie...Monday started out bad.....Kaitlyn missed the bus this morning (he was early again..had he been on time she would have made it)....plus an incident in my husband's company. They suffered a loss that has been really hard on all of us. This has been the biggest loss so far this deployment and it's been difficult for everyone. But we are ok and everyone is pulling together to make it through. So much information and i am one of the people who calls others to pass out the information. So it's a lot to do. But it will be ok. I'm just praying for the families of the ones who were lost. They need so much support right now. Otherwise it just seems that i haven't been on here and doing my blogging simply because i haven't had much to say. I've been trying to get back in my routine since he went back. Trying to readjust to life without him. After he comes home for a short time and then goes back it's like starting all over! But it's ok now. It's been a while since he's been gone again and we are back in the swing of things. Few more months now and he'll be home again! Just get through the summer and we'll see how it goes!

But yes it does end

2008-05-07T13:46:00.002-04:00

And it ends WAY too fast! So he's gone again. Back to his work. Back to take care of his men. They all need him there as much as we need him here. I just wish he didn't have to be so far away. I miss him. I hate going so long without his hugs and kisses. I hate going so long without sitting down next to him to talk to him where i can touch his face. I hate going so long without feeling his hands in my hair. But the job he does brings others home to their families. He's already helped a really great friend come home to his family. So he needs to be there for the other guys too. He's good at what he does and he needs to do it. It's just a shame that he has to do it for so long. We do have an opportunity to bond over this time that others don't generally have. We truly get to cherish communication and say all the things that we didn't say before the military became part of our lives. We have become really close over these months. That is definitely the advantage of military life. We do learn how to communicate in ways that not everyone does. We cherish each other. We overlook the little things that typically would drive others crazy. Ok so we don't overlook everything.....we are not perfect. But we do learn lessons in overlooking the little things. We do learn that sitting next each other to watch a movie or talk about our day is more important than doing the dishes. So while i am sad that our R&R time is over....i do know that this time has been good for us. I do know that we are on the downhill slide of this deployment. I do know that before this year is done....i will have him home with me again!

R&R...yes it is real!

2008-05-02T23:35:00.002-04:00

Well.....i know it really is hard to believe but R&R is real! It does happen! I really have gotten to see my Honey again! I didn't think it was ever going to happen but it did! He actually has been home for a couple weeks now. Our time is almost up. That is part of the reason why it's been soooooo long since i have written anything on here. I hate that too. I lose loyal readers when i go more than a month without a fresh blog on here. Seems like my life has been insane for the past month though. My friend Brittnie finally got moved back up here. I may have already told you that. So i have been busy helping her get settled in. Then I was getting the house and everything here ready for Jay's arrival. He's been here since April 15th. We went on vacation for like 10 days. Saw his family in Tennessee and my family in Arkansas then his friend who was injured over there and is back home now in New Jersey and we have been back home for the past like 5 days. During that time i also had a birthday. So we have been celebrating that. And we have had a cookout here with some friends. He has seen another friend here who was injured and is back home. We have just spent lots of time together and stayed up half the night playing video games. Then slept all morning. It's been so great to have him home. Now he's going to have to leave me again! I thought i was prepared for that. I knew it was coming. I knew i was going to have only a certain number of days and then he'd have to leave again. I knew our time was short. But it's so easy to grow attached to him being here. It's so easy to just fall into our favorite routine. It's so easy to just love him. It's so hard to let him go. It's so hard to send him back. It's so hard to know that he'll be gone just as long as he was before and that he'll be in just as much danger. More really....it's warming up over there so violence is increasing. It's so not fair that his deployment has to be so long when other's aren't. If his didn't have to be so long....we'd only have like 4 more months. But still even one more day is too long. I love him so much. I love having him here to hug and to cuddle up with, to watch movies with, to laugh with, to just talk to. I love to share my life with him. I miss getting to do that when he's gone. Well....my battery on here is almost dead. I should probably charge it! I'll be back soon...promise this time!

Another Day, Still Deployed

2008-03-26T11:08:00.002-04:00

I feel like i am really falling behind on my blogging. I feel bad about that because i mean to do this so often. But at the same time i feel like it's a good thing because that means i am busy! Man it does seem like i have been super busy lately too! I feel like i am always running. Between kids and school and my dr's appointments and general things i have to do. I'm always on the go! But now here we are on day #200 of deployment. Almost to month 7. it's amazing. We are holding together pretty well i do believe. We are coming up on R&R soon. Looking forward to that. But you know....just moving on from day to day. We had a good Easter Sunday. Kids got easter baskets, we went to church, came home and i cooked a nice dinner for us. Ashley came over for a couple days. That was fun! We hung out and just laughed a while. I love getting to do that! It seems that i do not get to do that very often. I am however, planning to go to the movies this Friday. So that will be fun! My friend Brittnie finally got moved up here last night. She is going to stay here with me until her apartment is ready. It will be within a week or so. Really all she has to do is go through and make sure it is clean and then get moved in. It's the moving in process that will take a while. But after that is done then she will live around the corner from me. It's been great to get to catch up with her since she got here. It will be great to have a good friend right here close to me! I adore Ashley and love having her nearby but she is like 45 minutes to an hour away. for here that is nearby but Brit will only be a mile away! Then in a few more months my friend Star will be moving on up here too! We will all be together soon. Then after that our men will be home. That's a pretty exciting thought!!! We will be back to normal (as normal as military life gets) before we know it. I'd say we are doing pretty well. Just getting on with life as best we can. But man i can't wait for my heart to be whole again!

A Soldier's Last Words from the front lines

2008-03-19T12:48:00.002-04:00

My cousin sent me this today in my email It was so worth reading i wanted to pass it on. This seemed to be the best place to do so and reach more people. I hope you enjoy his words as much as i did. This was written by Sgt Eddie Jeffers. He was KIA on September 19, 2007 (exactly 6 months ago today). This is known to be his final blog. You can google his name to read more of his writings.

By Eddie Jeffers

I stare out into the darkness from my post, and I watch the city burn to the ground. I smell the familiar smells, I walk through the familiar rubble, and I look at the frightened faces that watch me pass down the streets of their neighborhoods.

My nerves hardly rest; my hands are steady on a device that has been given to me from my government for the purpose of taking the lives of others.

I sweat, and I am tired. My back aches from the loads I carry. Young American boys look to me to direct them in a manner that will someday allow them to see their families again. And yet, I too, am just a boy. My age not but a few years more than that of the ones I lead.

I am stressed, I am scared, and I am paranoid...because death is everywhere. It waits for me, it calls to me from around street corners and windows, and....it is always there.

There are the demons that follow me, and tempt me into thoughts and actions that are not my own... but that are necessary for survival.

I've made compromises with my humanity. And I am not alone in this. Miles from me are my brethren in this world, who walk in the same streets...who feel the same things, whether they admit to it or not.

And to think, I volunteered for this...and I am ignorant to the rest of the world...or so I thought.

But even thousands of miles away, in Ramadi, Iraq, the cries and screams and complaints of the ungrateful reach me.

In a year, I will be thrust back into society from a life and mentality that doesn't fit your average man. And then, I will be alone. And then, I will walk down the streets of America, and see the yellow ribbon stickers on the cars of the same people who compare our President to Hitler.

I will watch the television and watch the Cindy Sheehans, and the Al Frankens, and the rest of the ignorant sheep of America spout off their mouths about a subject they know nothing about.

It is their right, however, and it is a right that is defended by hundreds of thousands of boys and girls scattered across the world, far from home. I use the word boys and girls, because that's what they are.

In the Army, the average age of the infantryman is nineteen years old. The average rank of soldiers killed in action is Private First Class. People like Cindy Sheehan are ignorant. Not just to this war, but to the results of their idiotic ramblings, or, at least I hope they are. They don't realize its effects on this war.

In this war, there are no Geneva Conventions, no cease fires. Medics and Chaplains are not spared from the enemy's brutality because it's against the rules. I can only imagine the horrors a military Chaplain would experience at the hands of the enemy.

The enemy slinks in the shadows and fights a coward's war against us. It is effective though, as many men and women have died since the start of this war. And the memory of their service to America is tainted by the inconsiderate remarks on our nation's news outlets.

And every day, the enemy changes...only now, the enemy is becoming something new. The enemy is transitioning from the Muslim extremists to Americans. The enemy is becoming the very people whom we defend with our lives. And they do not realize it.

But in denouncing our actions, denouncing our leaders, denouncing the war we live and fight, they are isolating the military from society...and they are becoming our enemy.

The Senate Democrats and peace activists like to toss the word "quagmire" around and compare this war to Vietnam. In a way they are right, this war is becoming like Vietnam. Not the actual war, but in the isolation of country and military.

America is not a nation at war; they are a nation with its military at war. Like it or not, we are here, some of us for our second, or third times; some even for their fourth and so on. Americans are so concerned now with politics, that it is interfering with our war.

Terrorists cut the heads off of American citizens on the Internet...and there is no outrage, but an American soldier kills an Iraqi in the midst of battle, and there are investigations, and sometimes soldiers are even jailed...for doing their job.

It is absolutely sickening to me to think our country has come to this. Why are we so obsessed with the bad news? Why will people stop at nothing to be against this war, no matter how much evidence of the good we've done is thrown in their face?

When is the last time CNN or MSNBC or CBS reported the opening of schools and hospitals in Iraq? Or the leaders of terror cells being detained or killed? It's all happening, but people will not let up their hatred of Bush. They will ignore the good news, because it just might show people that Bush was right.

America has lost its will to fight.

It has lost its will to defend what is right and just in the world. The crazy thing of it all is that the American people have not even been asked to sacrifice a single thing. It's not like World War Two, where people rationed food, and turned in cars to be made into metal for tanks. The American people have not been asked to sacrifice anything.

Unless you are in the military or the family member of a service member, its life as usual...the war doesn't affect you. But it affects us.

And when it is over, and the troops come home, and they try to piece together what's left of them after their service...where will the detractors be then? Where will the Cindy Sheehans be to comfort and talk to soldiers and help them sort out the last couple years of their lives, most of which have been spent dodging death and wading through the deaths of their friends?

They will be where they always are, somewhere far away, where the horrors of the world can't touch them. Somewhere where they can complain about things they will never experience in their lifetime; things that the young men and women of America have willingly taken upon their shoulders.

We are the hope of the Iraqi people.

They want what everyone else wants in life: safety, security, somewhere to call home.
They want a country that is safe to raise their children in. Not a place where their children will be abducted, raped, and murdered if they do not comply with the terrorists demands. They want to live on, rebuild and prosper. And America has given them the opportunity, but only if we stay true to the cause, and see it to its end.

But the country must unite in this endeavor...we cannot place the burden on our military alone. We must all stand up and fight, whether in uniform or not. And supporting us is more than sticking yellow ribbon stickers on your cars.

It's supporting our President, our troops and our cause. Right now, the burden is all on the American soldiers. Right now, hope rides alone. But it can change, it must change.
Because there is only failure and darkness ahead for us as a country, as a people, if it doesn’t. Let's stop all the political nonsense, let's stop all the bickering, let's stop all the bad news, and let's stand and fight!

I am the wife of an American Soldier

2008-03-12T13:22:00.002-04:00

I am the wife of an American Soldier. I am a supporter of the United States Army - an encouragement for the protectors of the greatest nation on earth. Because I am proud of my husband and the uniform that he wears, I will always act in ways creditable to him, the military service and the nation he is sworn to gaurd. I am proud of my husband. I will do all that I can to protect and provide for my family in his absence. I will be loyal to my husband and to the vows that we made as we entered the covenant of marriage. I will do my full part to carry on the values and goals we have set apart for our family and I will continue to instruct our children in the same manner. As a soldier's wife, I realize that I play a vital role in my husband's decision to become a member of a time-honored profession - that I am doing my share to keep alive the principles of freedom for which my country stands. No matter what situation I am in, I will never do anything, for pleasure, profit, or personal safety, which will disgrace my husband, his uniform or our country. I will use every means I have to encourage my husband to be the best soldier that he can be. I am proud of my husband, my country and its flag. I will fly the flag and will always remember the sacrifices made by my husband and by generations of men and women that have served our beloved country. I will try to make my husband proud of the manner in which I accept his decision to defend my freedom and the freedom of all American citizens - for I am the wife of an American soldier.

As i read those words today as i have so many many many times before some of them really stood out to me. I am the one who protects my family and provides for them in his absence. I am the one who encourages him. He is the best he can be because of ME. I am faithful to him and the covenant of our marriage. I do NOTHING to disgrace him or the uniform he wears! My job as the wife of a soldier is to uphold the traditions and honor that this country stands for....not just let him do it while i wait on him to return. People look at me as his wife as much as they look at him. I am proud of him for what he does, but is he proud of me because of what i do?

Where does the time go?

2008-03-10T08:04:00.002-04:00

When i started typing this blog, it was a way to get out my frustrations with this deployment, as well as a way for others to follow me through it all. You know, just give everyone a peek into the life of my family as we deal with less than perfect circumstances. What i have found through the past 6 months is that what started as something absolutely miserable and awful has become a way for me to become a better person and my family to become stronger. I have to learn to become the mom my kids need me to be. It's taken some serious struggling and fighting and really bad days, but things are improving with them. Jay and I have never been a fighting couple. We talk about things that are bothering us, and we try really hard to be open about everything without fighting. That's not to say we have never had problems. We have been to the absolute rock bottom and back. Seriously, you name it, we have been there. But we have stuck together. We have used the separations the Army has provided us as a way to build on our foundation and make our marriage stronger. We take those phone calls that are so precious to say the things we need to say. We write the letters and emails and say the things we never say. So while deployment completely sucks, it isn't the worst thing to ever happen to us. I feel more loved by him right now and i am more secure in my relationship with him right now than i have been at different times in my marriage when he was right beside me. I realize that while i miss him so much, deployment doesn't have to be the worst thing to happen to my life. I don't have to let myself be miserable. It's my decision every morning when i get up to be happy today or sad today. If i am happy, i usually have a better day all around. It's when i am sad that things tend to be just awful all around me. My kids give me a hard time and it just seems like everyone is out to get me. Of course that doesn't mean that all my happy days are just blissfully perfect. They certainly are not. We have rough patches while still maintaining happiness. And sometimes happy days end up being sad days for one reason or another. I have been deciding more and more lately to be happy. And it's impacting my family for the better a little more every day. My kids are happier. Jay cheers up more when i talk to him. I'm not surviving deployment for me, i'm doing it for Jay and for the girls. It's hard to be the strong one. I certainly can't be the strong one on my own. I depend on God to give me strength. I pray almost constantly in one way or another all day every day. Little prayers, long prayers, prayers on my knees, prayers with my face turned toward heaven, prayers crying out loud to God, prayers brief and silent. Just always asking for guidance for strength for help getting through my day. Deployment is never easy on anyone. But with lots of prayer and attitude adjusting, i can choose to make it manageable.

Is it nap time yet?

2008-02-26T12:43:00.002-05:00

I'm very sleepy today. I think it probably has a lot to do with the fact that i went to the dr yesterday and we increased my dosages on my meds. After a month on them, i was doing ok in the mornings but by mid afternoon i was not good! My blood pressure was way up and i was very cranky. I think it's going to take some time to get used to this new dosage. I'm dragging a bit today. But i did sleep really great last night! I'm ready to sleep some more! LOL But i need to do several loads of laundry and start my chicken marinating for dinner. It needs to go in the oven by 4 this afternoon so we can eat at a decent time! The girls and i are going to watch a movie tonight and i'd like to be done with my chores by the time the movie starts. Otherwise things seem to be going really well here. We are almost down to only 2 months before Jay gets his R&R. Still a while off but when you think about...not that far off! After all it's been just over 2 months already since Christmas. Where'd that time go? Although i seriously can not believe that Reilly's time is almost up! Seems like he just got here! And we still have not had dinner like we were planning! Hopefully we will get to do that! I've done quite a bit of cleaning up around here. Cleaning out corners and getting rid of junk. Moving things around. Why is that when your husband is gone suddenly your house needs a complete over haul? It was good enough for him before he went off to desert life, why is it not good enough for him to come back to? We all tend to do this. We may not realize it but we do. A new coat of paint, moving the furniture, cleaning out the clutter....the list goes on and on. But WHY? When i told Jay i was moving the furniture around, he sounded a little sad. Like so much was changing while he was gone. So that got me thinking.....do we work so hard making things perfect for them to come home that we don't think about how it might affect them? Is it difficult on our men emotionally to come home after being gone so long and see that we have changed, the house has changed, the kids have changed? Not to mention that he has changed too! Sometimes we do these things as a surprise for when he returns. BUT is that a good surprise or a shock to his already fragile system? I decided after he sounded sad to keep him abreast of anything and everything going on that he might need to know before he comes back. I show him pics of everything. I don't want him to walk in and be shocked. I also think in some ways though we have a need to change things because we consciously or subconsciously don't like to live in our homes day in and day out with everything the way it was when he was here. Everything is a reminder that he's gone and we need the change so we can develop our own system and our independence. Besides, it makes us feel more independent to know we moved that furniture on our own! Well...i guess that's enough of my insane reflections today! I'll come up with more soon! I desperately need to get started on my laundry and things though!

Kaitlyn's Birthday

2008-02-21T08:38:00.005-05:00

Today my oldest is 10. I just can't get over it. She should still be a baby! It doesn't seem like 10 years have passed since i could hold her in my arms and rock her. Of course she still wants me to hold her and rock her. She tries really hard but she's so tall that i can't do it anymore. She just keeps her feet on the floor and lays back! I remember her first birthday. She got an ice cream cake. She made such a mess! Then she also got a Tigger and Pooh cake. She had a great time! I gave her a sippy cup of regular milk instead of formula. She took one sip and threw it at me. She still doesn't like milk. I cant blame her...i don't like it either. Her second birthday was also Tigger themed because the Tigger movie came out 2 days before her birthday so we took her to see it. Her 3rd birthday was Scooby themed. Her party that year ended up being a very small gathering because we had tornadoes hit our area just in time for the party! Let's see, her 4th birthday was Barbie. Nothing really memorable about it. We had cake and pizza and a party at home. Her 5th birthday was Powerpuff Girls. We had her party at a restaurant. Her first not at home party. It rained and rained and rained! For her 6th birthday she finally got to have her first really all out party with friends and not family. We went bowling with 10 of her friends. She got a bowling pin as a souvenier. Her 7th birthday was a lot of fun! She had a dress up party with 6 of her friends. We took them to this place where they got to dress up like rock stars and have their hair done and makeup on and their nails painted. Then we took pics of them as they danced and played. It was fun for all! For her 8th birthday we rented the party room at the movie theater and took 10 of her friends to see Nanny McPhee. That was the year that it snowed on her birthday! Then last year for her 9th birthday we went horse back riding. So this year we are having a spa night with her friends. We are going to do facials and paint our nails and watch movies and eat pizza. It's amazing to see how much she has grown now! She went from this goofy baby who made me laugh so hard every day to this goofy kid who is growing up so fast and knows how to push all my buttons but can still make me laugh every day. She has shown us so much personality and so much talent. I can't wait to see what she does with her life as she continues to grow! I can see her doing so many many things. But then if she does nothing but get married and have a family, i know she'll be great at that too. She has so much imagination. I hope she never forgets how to use and never develops a fear of it. So in honor of my baby girl here's a couple pics of her!

Kaitlyn at a year old eating dinner!

Kaitlyn today!

Does it ever end?

2008-02-08T10:34:00.001-05:00

How many many times have those of us who have deployed husbands uttered those words? As of yesterday i am officially 5 months into this deployment and i know i have said those words more times than i can count. I can also say that most days it certainly feels as though it won't ever end. The days get longer and longer and the nights even longer than the days. I find myself unable to sleep, even with anti-insomnia medication. It works a while then won't work at all. Everything is such a roller coaster. I just don't know how much i can take. God does though....that's why he put me with my military man. He knew what would come in our lives and the storms we would face before we ever knew each other's names. I've heard stories of deployments ending. Fabtastic homecoming ceremonies, no more lonely sleepless nights, wonderful conversation over family meals, family vacations, etc. I hear the end of a deployment is a wonderful thing. I'm sure it would be. Seems like such a dream. I'll let ya know when i get there how absolutely fantastical it really is! Right now i'm just looking forward to the R&R we are promised! To be able to just simply hug my honey. How often people take a hug for granted! I want to breathe in his scent, feel his muscular arms, be wrapped in the warmth and security of his embrace. The thought of it gets me through the day. Just simply the thought of the look in his eyes and the feel of his arms around me. During these times it is so easy to let things go....the house, the laundry, the yard work, dinners for the kids...after all our husband isn't here to say "why didn't you do anything today?" It's so easy to just not get dressed. I know i have days where i lounge in my pj's all day. But we can't do it every day. The occassional bowl of cereal or a sandwich for dinner is fine. Sometimes we need a break. Just not every day. The best thing for us to do for our families, especially if we have kids, is to live life normally as we do when our hubby is home. I tell my own kids so often that i know they wouldn't behave the way they are if daddy was home. But what kind of example am i setting? We do occassionally have a sandwich or something easy for dinner when he's home. And we do have days where we don't get dressed all day and we just lounge around. Sometimes those are the best days. I will do these things a little more often when he's not here though. but not excessively. I do lose my temper faster when he's not here. I realize that. I depend on him to be my right arm and taking him away throws me off. but i also have been making an effort to not go overboard and really watch myself lately. How can i expect more of my kids than i am willing to give of myself? I have noticed that since i started trying to be better, so have they. Kaitlyn is talking to her counselor at school and that is helping her soooo much! Keliah had a break from homework this week. So she's been much happier. Hopefully next week will be good again. But that will be determined then. Although i do still wonder if this ever comes to an end....i am trying my best to get through it with strength and dignity and to make my husband proud of me and our kids when he returns. I suppose that is the best any of us can do!

I can see the light

2008-01-29T14:55:00.000-05:00

The light at the end of my moody tunnel that is! I went to the dr yesterday and after we talked he gave me something to help with my insomnia. He says it will also help with the depression and anxiety problems. I took one last night and slept sooooo good! You just don't know! I slept about 8 hours and when i got up this morning, i was a little groggy, but i still woke up fairly easily. I felt like i needed about another 30 minutes or so. If i had taken it when i wanted to last night i would have slept plenty i'm sure. But my youngest little darling wasn't cooperating with me and bedtime. I've been in a pretty good mood so far today. Of course it's been a pretty stress free day so far. The kids will be home from school soon though and that will be a whole new ball game. So we'll just see how it goes. He says it won't be an immediate difference for the depression and anxiety, could take a week or so. But we'll see. I'll let ya know! Otherwise, i talked to Jay over the weekend. He's doing pretty well. Wants more packages. Feeling pretty lonely. So i'm sad about that for him. I miss him and wish neither of us had to be lonely. We still have several more months until R&R and most of his buddies are getting it already or really soon. So i guess it just him knowing what he is missing more and more as each day passes. But we also know what he's missing here because we are missing it too. The girls have had a tough time lately. Kaitlyn's had some issues in school. And she is missing daddy. She is having a hard time dealing with the emotions of everything. She doesn't want to talk to me about it because she doesn't want me to feel bad. But she doesn't know where else to turn. She is going to start talking to her school counselor. Keliah is doing ok as far as dealing with everything. She talks to me when she needs to. She sleeps with daddy's picture when she is missing him a whole lot. But she is figuring out how to cope with it all. I guess we all have our ways of handling everything that deployment and moving and all the other wonderful things that military life bring. So things really do seem to be looking up for us right now. I had a wonderful time yesterday. Went to lunch with some other wives from around here. It was so nice to sit and just chat over a nice lunch. Over the weekend the lady i babysit for watched my kids for me and i went out to dinner with a friend. That was really nice. I think all of these things have contributed to the improvement in my mood! I just pray it lasts a while this time!

Thanks for yesterday

2008-01-25T10:17:00.001-05:00

I'm feeling a little better today. I allowed myself to wallow and deal with some emotions. I didn't just go through the being sad just to be sad. I tried to actually figure out what was triggering this sadness. Then i made some plans to go out to dinner with a friend tomorrow night with no children. I'm really looking forward to it! That alone has improved my mood so much! I'm going to meet some girls for lunch on Monday. That also has my mood lifted. I got paid for babysitting today! That right there did a LOT to help me! YAY for all these wonderful things! It's fantastic! I can pay my cell phone bill, buy that new digital camera i have my eye on and feed my family til Jay's pay day! Man, i love checks written in my name! LOL Things are looking up. We are almost to February. That's another month down. That's progress. I'm so excited. Only a few more months til R&R. THAT makes me happy! Between now and then i have Kaitlyn's birthday coming up and i'll have my own birthday and i'll just have to plan other things to keep me going from here to there. But i know i can do this. I've been doing it. I am going to the dr on Monday. I'm going to ask about some sort of treatment for my emotional and mental state. Hopefully we can do something to get me feeling better. That would be fabulous. Otherwise. The day is looking up. The weekend is looking really great. I hope to really enjoy myself for a change and not concentrate on the fact that it's been 9 days since i have heard my love's voice! Talk to you all later!

Not a good day

2008-01-24T13:03:00.001-05:00

I'm having a bad one. I mean a BAD one! I want to crawl in a hole! I hate feeling like this. Crying at the drop of a hat, wanting to just yell til it's all out! My head hurts, my brain physically hurts, my feet hurt, my back hurts. It's like the sadness and stress has attacked my entire body! i want to go to bed and stay there! But i can't! Not only do i have my own kids to take care of, i have to babysit all day too like i do every day. I feel like i am not doing any of the kids in my care any good at all. Not in the mood i've been in lately. My mood is getting worse too. I feel like all the feelings of depression and anger and anxiety that i dealt with years ago are coming rushing back at me all at once. I have an appointment to see my dr on Monday so i'm going to see if i can't take a minute of his time to ask about what i can do. I've been on medication in the past for all this. I'm feeling like i need it again. Which i hate because i was not fond of meds to begin with. But i did feel better on them. I'm doing my best here. I really feel like i am....but if this is my best....my kids deserve so much more! I miss my honey....duh! I have held myself together pretty well so far. But suddenly everything feels like it's crashing in around me. I can't seem to hold all these walls up anymore. And they are just so heavy. So today i'm letting them fall. I can pick them up tomorrow. I need a break. Then i'll feel a little better and i can hold them up some more for a while. i'm 1/4 of the way through this nightmare. So i know i can do it. I've been doing it. I can keep doing it. I just need today to be sad. Unfortunately when i feel like this i feel guilty too because i don't feel like i'm supposed to be sad. It's such a trip.....if i'm having a great day, i feel guilty for being so happy....if i'm having a bad day, i feel guilty for being too sad. Where's the middle ground where it's just ok to be me? Where's the time when i can only hold up myself and my family and not everyone around me? When can i just be me and not be everyone's strength? I'm not Hercules. When did this world get on my shoulders? I'm sorry my friends, please don't think that i don't want you to call me. I always want to be here for you. Today i am having a bad day though and i don't know who to turn to. Please let me have this day. I'll listen to you again, i promise. Today i just want to be about me! Thanks!

Try to stay with me here....

2008-01-21T14:13:00.000-05:00

Many thoughts and not much room to get them all out so here we go! I've been thinking a lot lately about how much i depend on my husband's phone calls. As the deployment drags on the calls are less and less. I expected that, but that doesn't mean i like it. I got so used to talking to him so often that now when he doesn't call for long periods, it's like psychological torture. I feel so bad! I just don't know what to do about this. I'm trying very hard to remember he will call when he can. But that doesn't stop my mind from wandering. Not that i think that he would be doing anything he shouldn't.....not at all. I just wonder what is going on, what's keeping him so busy, how close to danger is he, etc etc etc. Then of course i hear of something that has happened and I wonder how close was he. I know he was there, i know he treated these people, but how close was he. I don't think i really want to know, but i wonder. So here we are....day 5 since he last called. I've been feeling really sad lately because of this. I talked to him online really early yesterday morning. That's always great but i just so miss his voice. Not as much as i miss his arms. There are no other arms like his. No one could ever take the place of him. The comfort i feel when i hear his voice, the protection i feel when i'm in his arms. I'm so at peace with him. I miss that. I miss it terribly. It hurts that i miss it so much. But is it good to depend on his calls so so much? I feel like i shouldn't be so dependent on him. But i love him. More than anyone else of the face of this earth. Anyway....after my last blog about the dream, he did call. He called about 2 hours after i wrote that. The images of that dream didn't go completely away but they did lessen. I didn't feel the bonds of them any longer. Just hearing he was ok helped me to know it was just a dream and life is moving on. So that was great. Seems like there are so many things i want to get out of my head but right now i am just consumed with missing him. That and why my kids are being so bratty! They are out of school today. We have been at home alone together all weekend. I told them no sleepovers and no friends over this weekend. We have not had a weekend with no extra kids around in MONTHS. So i needed some quiet time. It's been nice. One of Kaitlyn's friends called and asked her to spend the night with her. I left it up to Kaitlyn and she told her friend no. She said we are having family time this weekend and she wasn't going anywhere. That was nice of her. Very unselfish. They have even done their chores this weekend with not much of a problem. I think cabin fever is setting in though because we haven't actually left our home all weekend. They are starting to get a little mouthy with each other. But considering it is late afternoon on the 3rd day of our quiet weekend, i'd say they have done pretty well. As far as other things go.....my sister and her husband have decided to start going to church. Since having their baby in December, they are really making some major changes in their lives. They are both making an effort to change their eating habits, going to church, doing all sorts of things. I'm proud of them for making changes. I pray that they last. And i pray that my brother and his wife would do some things to raise their boys in a better environment. Those poor boys do not deserve the life their mother has created for them. They are so sweet and precious the should have someone who truly loves them and cares for them and puts their needs above her own. My brother works so hard to do all he can to provide for them, but he isn't perfect either. He made some mistakes. He wouldn't have to work so hard now if he had made better choices back then. But he's correcting his mistakes and trying now. As for myself....i was thinking about why it has been so hard for me to loose the weight i want to lose. What keeps holding me back? FEAR. Plain and simple fear! I want my husband to look at me and be just amazed at the changes i have made! BUT i don't want the attention from family and friends. I don't want to deal with the questions and the "oh wow you look so good" comments. Yeah in some ways it will be great to hear those things, but then it also just confirms how not great i look now. I already know that. I just don't want to hear it. I'm also afraid of people knowing I am trying to loose and then if i don't, will they look at me like I am a failure? I feel like i have been failing at this for 7 years. I know i should do more. Steph suggested that i do this and then send a newsletter to my friends and family that has a pic of the new me and explains all the things that i know they will ask so they can get it all out before they see me. Then we can just enjoy the visit. That's not a bad idea! I really need to have some encouragement. Not that i am begging from anyone reading this. I am just trying to figure out what works for me! Any ideas? They are always welcome! Thanks for reading this far. I know i have more to say i just don't know what else to do. Anyway....i'll talk to you later! I've kept you long enough!

Bad Dreams and other things

2008-01-16T14:01:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a horrible dream. I woke up at 3 am in a horrible sweat and just gut wrenching sadness. I won't give you the details because no one should think about something so horrible. Then when i'd go back to sleep i kept repeating the worst part of the dream over and over. I finally woke up and just prayed and prayed and asked God to take this dream out of my head because i do not want to see this again! And of course i asked God to protect my husband at that moment too. I was eventually able to get back to sleep and not dream it anymore. But when i got up this morning it popped back in my head and i just can't shake it! Don't you hate days like that? To make it worse i haven't talked to him in several days. I keep hoping he'll call but he hasn't. Right now i just need to hear his voice after that dream. But i guess he's busy and he'll call when he can. Dreams like that seem to really get to me. I keep blaming the dream on a conversation i had with a friend. We were talking about things that bother us with deployment and things that happen. Not things you want to think about and i think that just stuck in my head for some reason subconsciously. I don't know. But it wasn't fun at all! So call me Honey so i can talk to you and know you are ok and i can let it go. Other than this....today has just been one of those days. I don't know what it is. Something is just a little off and I can't seem to figure it out! Kids are a bit on the wild side, I'm just wanting to lay down and let my mind rest, it's just a not great day. Seems like there is just so much going on. I worry about Kaitlyn and things going on at school. She is having a problem with some kids in class and i have had it because the teacher is giving her a hard time too and not stopping the kids from saying these hurtful things to her. Like we don't have enough to deal with i have to deal with the fact that my kids are not part of the group of kids who were born and raised here by parents who were born and raised here. And they are being taught by teachers who were born and raised here and went to school with those parents. So my kids get pushed aside because of that. Of course everyone denies it...but my kids see it and i have noticed it. And i'm tired of it! I love this area and i love our house but i'm tired of the small town politics. So anyway.....today is not a good deployment day. I need my Honey. But i'll make it through because i have friends who love me! And i have God who protects me!

I think about this, I think about that

2008-01-10T15:52:00.000-05:00

First of all, thanks so so so very much for all the comments on my last blog. I really needed to get all those things out and you ladies all were such a support and encouragement to me! Each of you. But specifically....Steph, you have been my dearest friend most of my life! I hate that you have to feel this pain right now. I hope i can help you to laugh and make your days a little sunnier as you have mine. Becky, you are just the sweetest. You say i have been a tremendous encouragement to you, but you have no idea what you have been to me all this time! You make me laugh and smile on days when i want to do nothing at all. We have had some really amazing chats that have been intense, fun, silly, and just a highlight to my days. Besides....how many other people do i know that get married to their best friend while their fiance is deployed! LOL (that's sounds awful to those of you who do not know that story, but i promise, it's not how it sounds) Patti, i have told you a million times and i will tell you forever that you just mean the world to me. Although i know (from experience) that deployment is not an easy thing at all....you survived it while raising and homeschooling 3 wonderful children. You inspire me to be a better person. I can never thank you enough. I did not intend for this blog to only be thank you's to all my friends so let me wrap up with this....all the ladies who are so sweet and thoughtful on the Christian Military Wives and the Army Wives Chat boards.....you help me in many ways. I thank you all for caring about me and all the other women out there in our situation! Now on to my blog......I was talking to Steph again. Yeah we talk a lot. We were discussing how hard it is in the times leading up to deployment and then saying goodbye and the weeks after. It's hard on us, it's hard on the kids. It's just hard. So i was wondering....which do you think is worse....knowing your husband is leaving months in advance or him coming in one day and just announcing he has to go in less than 24 hours? There are disadvantages to both absolutely. Knowing so far in advance you have time to dwell on it. You work yourself into a frenzy over it. You have freak out time. You cry a lot and you worry and worry for months on end. Finding out on short notice you don't have time to think about it....you get one night with him and he's gone. Sometimes i am not sure if that is a disadvantage or not. Knowing he could leave ANY day i'd think you would be more inclined to live each day as close to great as you can. You'd want to not go to bed mad and say I Love You any chance you got. But then would you also get complacent in your life if he goes long periods without leaving? Like you'd forget that tomorrow could be his day. At least if you have months to think it over and prepare you can do some special things together and get in some good quality time. I just don't know. Seems like there is really no good way to do it....either way you are saying goodbye. And that hurts no matter what, no matter how long you've been preparing for it. It leaves a hole in your sole. It's a pain that no one else will ever know. (no i am not intentionally rhyming) And i'm afraid it doesn't stop til he is home. Forever. Even when he gets some leave time you still have it because you know he's leaving again. It's just so weird. One things is certain....once you are a military wife...you just can't take some things lightheartedly any longer. You hubby going to work is not quite the welcomed relief it once was in civilian life!

Deploymones

2008-01-08T10:31:00.000-05:00

This is a word i picked up on an Army wife board i go to....it is the most accurate expression of hormonal changes during deployment. Covers stress and just hormones in general, whatever is causing your breakdown at the moment. My deploymones are in overdrive lately. Last night i was writing in my deployment journal that i keep at home for myself and maybe Jay. I will spill my guts in many ways on here but that journal has my deepest thoughts and secrets in it. As i was writing i was thinking though that some of those things i want to put on here too. Because you guys are going through or have been through or will go through them too and you need to know that you are not alone! These thoughts are totally normal. We all get them from time to time. We all have that unexplainable fear, anger, irrational thoughts, hurt feelings, guilt. And so many other emotions. So here are my thoughts....the things that have been keeping me up at night in prayer for my Honey and myself and our kids and the many others out there who are like us. I am scared! YES i said it....i'm scared. But not necessarily for the big reason you may be thinking. Way back when Jay told me he wanted to enlist the "big fear" was my first thought. But i prayed about it and God told me "Do not to worry about tomorrow, support your husband as you know you should, show him your love by believing in him. I will protect him and hold him close to me." So i did what God wanted me to do. And although i do have those irrational thoughts about what do i do if he doesn't come home, i do believe that God is protecting him. He's proved it to me many many times. My fears though are that he's changing. I can tell he's changing. He's already experienced things that i will never know. I will never see. And he's already told me that he doesn't know if he'll ever tell me about them. But he might one day. And i'm ok with that. I know it's hard on him. I'm changing too though. I'm becoming a stronger person and more independent and self sufficient. I'm adjusting to new things and new surroundings and i'm doing it without him. I fear that when he returns we will have both changed in ways that do not coincide with each other. I fear that we will be such different people that we will not know how to get along with each other any longer. We don't fight on the phone. We talk about everything. We are trying to use this time to get closer and really get to know each other as much as we can. But he knows i'm changing and i know he's changing and it feels like right now that he's pulling away in many ways. He hasn't called since New Year's Day. That's not like him. I know he's busy but still...he's been making time until recently. It seems that ever since the incident just before Christmas that things have really changed with him. I feel like he's afraid to talk to me. I know that he knows that i can tell a lot about him by his tone and what he doesn't say. I know him that well. So i feel like he is purposely not calling. And i really need him to. There are things i need to tell him that i haven't yet. Things i need to hear from him because they would help me in many ways. Sometimes we do just need to hear certain words that only he can say just the right way. Coming from anyone else they are nice, but from him they mean so much! I have some anger too. I'm angry that when i need him i can't just call him. I hate that i am angry but i am. Not all the time but still i have my moments where i just want to call up the commander in chief and tell him all about it! I want my husband here and i want to hug him. I want to feel his arms hugging me. I want to feel his breath as he whispers "I love you" in my ear. And sometimes i am very angry that he has to be gone so long! I don't like feeling the hole that his absence leaves in my soul. I don't like when my 7 year old tells me that i don't smile anymore since daddy is gone. It makes me sad and sometimes yes, it makes me angry. I have irrational thoughts. Thoughts of what if something happens to me while he's gone, what if something happens to the kids, what if the house burns down, what if i wreck the car, what if something happens with him? None of which i can really do anything about other than take the same cares and precautions i do every day. But i still think them. I have hurt feelings. Unintentional but still hurt. I hate when he calls but has to go so soon. I hate when he calls but wants to get off the phone so he can call his brother. I get jealous because i don't want to share that time! but i know he should call his family and honestly i wouldn't have it any other way. But i do still want more time with him. I hurt when he hurts. When i know he's been out and has witnessed things he shouldn't have to see and he's hurting because of it...i hurt. I want to fix it for him and i can't. And you know what...i have guilt. I feel guilty when i have a great day. I feel guilty when i can go out to dinner. He can't. I don't know what a great day for him is right now. But i can hug my kids anytime i want. I can go out to dinner. I can hang out with my friends. I can jump in the car and just drive. He can't. He can't do any of those things. And i know it's because of him and the others like him that i can. I'm grateful for that. But i'm also not sure how to truly enjoy these freedoms without him. I try because i know that is what he wants for me and the kids. But you know....it's just so hard. So anyway....now that i got it all out. I really should get on with my day. I have laundry to do! and i should clean out the fridge today. You guys have a good day! Seriously. You need to! We all do!

Is this what Hell is like?

2008-01-07T13:34:00.000-05:00

I was having a conversation with Steph earlier today. A rather nice conversation actually! She was telling me about an article she was reading online. It was a rather gross morbid article, but we were discussing some of the more interesting aspects of it. Apparently after this woman was killed people were leaving "goodbye" messages for her on her myspace page. I thought that was kinda funny because it's not like she can read them! So then i thought.....maybe that's what hell is like....you have computers everywhere but no connection! So Steph said maybe you have a connection but it's dial up! So that got me thinking....MAYBE that is what Hell really IS like! Can you just imagine....all these computers everywhere...free access to them...no waiting...do anything you want....IF you can get connected! They are just there taunting you! Then you get that connection and it's DIAL UP!!! And to top it off.....you have kids looking over your shoulder saying "mom mom mom whatcha looking at? mom mom mom" In the distance a baby cries and it gets louder and louder and the page is STILL loading! Kids start asking what's for dinner and the page is still loading! You think it's finally going to happen....you can see some things popping up on the screen....the kids have walked away for a minute.....times are looking good....then the power goes out! You've lost it all! You just want to scream....but then someone starts screaming at you because they can't find their socks. They are hungry. where's this or that? MOM!!!! Then you wake up and you realize...this isn't just a dream about what hell is like! This is parts of your every day life! You don't have dial up (thank God) but you do have everything else! Especially the kids looking over your shoulder part! Always reading what you are typing! Once you are fully awake you realize that yeah you have these things in your life....but along the way there is also little glimpses of Heaven!

I Pledge Allegiance to the......

2008-01-02T13:32:00.000-05:00

I was at church Sunday when the song "I Pledge Allegiance To The Lamb" was played. As i was listening to it, i, of course, started thinking about the words. It occurred to me that we teach our children to pledge allegiance the flag, what it means to have allegiance to our country, but what about allegiance to God? Do we teach our children to pledge allegiance to God? We often will take them to church. We teach them prayers such as "God is good, God is great, let us thank him for our food." Or the popular "Now i lay me down to sleep, i pray the Lord my soul to keep. If i should die before i wake, i pray the Lord my soul to take" Actually that one is really sad. I know it has a purpose of teaching our children that God is the way to Heaven but still...they are children....God will take them home with him if the unforeseen should happen. Anyway....we do all these things....but then by our own lives...do we teach our children allegiance to God? I know many who do....but i know many who don't. I'd throw myself in that second category too. Does that make me proud...of course not! As a military family, allegiance is another one of those words that my kids know and understand. Unlike the word deployment, however, the word allegiance instills a positive attitude, happiness, and pride. That's only speaking of allegiance to our country. Imagine the feelings we could experience if we are talking about our allegiance to God. Those feelings could be sooo greatly multiplied. The words to Ray Bolton's song should be as much a part of our children's vocabulary (as well as our own) as the words to the Pledge of Allegiance to our flag. For those of you who do not know the song...here's the lyrics to the chorus....i can look up the words to the whole song if you want them but for now i have the chorus....

"I pledge allegiance to the Lamb, with all my strength, with all i am. I seek to honor his commands. I pledge allegiance to the Lamb."

As you go about your day today and everyday...think about these words. Are you by your actions and attitudes pledging your allegiance to the Lamb?

Happy New Year!!!

2008-01-01T13:36:00.000-05:00

It's finally 2008!!! I say it's about time! Now i've made it through the holidays without my husband here with me. He comes home this year! Granted not for a great many more months, but still this year! I can finally say that! I can finally say...YAY we have less than a year til he'll be here. That's pretty great! Makes this New Year's Day seem much better. I rang in the new year last night eating pizza and watching tv and movies with my girls. The first words i heard this year were my daughter telling me she loves me and her sister. That's a pretty great way to start the year. I got off the phone with my honey a few minutes ago. He is doing pretty well right now. He finally got to call and talk to his friend who was hurt just before Christmas. He was pretty happy about that. I'm extremely happy for him. He has been so worried about him. Talking to him seemed to ease some of the stress for him. He has sounded so exhausted for so long. After he talked to B he told me he was so ready to go to sleep. He talked to me for a few minutes and then said he was going to bed finally. I could hear in his voice that talking to him helped to relax him a little bit. Helped him to know it's ok...you can sleep now. Talking to him was the only thing that could do that for my honey. There was no way i could tell him everything was ok and that his friend was doing well and have it do the same for him. He has to hear those words from B. So i'm soooo happy that he did! As for the girls and i.....we woke up to some more snow this morning! Went to sleep last night with some snow on the ground...not a lot but some....and woke up this morning with a lot of snow on the ground. Been steadily snowing all day. Actually it quit about 5 minutes ago. But hey! it's almost 2 in the afternoon! I'd say that qualifies as all day. OK...seriously is it just me or is my writing lately just really BLAH! I'm just not feeling it! I have a blog all started and a great bit of it pre-written but then i am just not sure where else to go with it and i'm not sure what else to do with it so it's just sitting here waiting. I'm just not feeling too deep with my thoughts these days! So anyway....Happy New Year to you all! I hope this year brings us all much love, prosperity, and happiness!

Christmas is OVER

2007-12-27T11:00:00.000-05:00

And it's a big relief! I'm normally very cheerful this time of year. So everyone please excuse me because i am not. And next year will be hard too. Granted next year my hubby will be home! And that will be soooo fantastic! But i foresee every year being difficult for him from now on. I mentioned in my last blog that bad things happened in his unit and with all the guys in his Battalion last week. These things will have a lasting affect on him in one way or another. There's just no way he can go through watching his closest friend get injured in such a way and all the other horrid things he had to see last week and just forget it happened. He'll remember a few days before Christmas every year for the rest of his life that it was at this time on this day when this happened to B. And i'll remember at this time on this day i got that phone call. And how it made us all feel. Yes my honey was fine....physically. But emotionally he'll never be the same. He had to treat his best friend and he knows he'll never walk again. He's over there now without his closest friend and it's hard for him. And i'm over here praying for him and wishing i could just hold him close and take care of him. But we are all moving on from it. We are all learning to cope with it. It's much harder on him than on me obviously. But he insists that he's doing better. So the girls and i are doing better. We made it through Christmas without him. He got to call us. But due to high volumes of phone traffic over there the phone line was bad and our call had to be short because of him not being able to hear me. At least he got to talk to the girls first though. That was nice. The girls were very happy with their presents. Not one complaint. Kaitlyn said the only thing she wanted and didn't get was a Jonas Brothers cd. And as fate would have it....she got a gift card from her aunt so she can go buy it now. Happy happy kid! Keliah hasn't mentioned anything at all that she wanted and didn't get so i guess she will just find something for herself with her gift card! Probably a new movie or something! Littlest pet shop stuff....who knows! To wrap up our lovely Christmas day....Keliah lost her first tooth! She was sooo excited! The tooth next to it was loose also and ready to come out but she only wanted one at a time. So we just pulled the one out Christmas night. When she got up the next morning though and found her tooth fairy money, the first thing she said was "That other tooth is coming out today!" And so it did. So she has now lost her 2nd tooth also. She smiles all the time! She is sooo excited! She is 7 1/2 and finally lost her first 2 teeth. I told her if she didn't drink so much miilk her teeth wouldn't hang on so well! That second one did NOT want to come out! It was just barely hanging in there but it was hanging really well! Literally hanging! It was crazy! But it's out now and she is happy. Everything she says sounds like a snake because these were her two middle bottom teeth. It's so cute! So anyway...things are getting back to normal now. Time to take down the tree. Time to get everything cleaned up. Time to get one with 2008!!! Less than a year to go now! Barely less, but still less!!!!!!

I'm just so.....UGH

2007-12-22T22:27:00.000-05:00

What can i say? I'm not really in the mood to blog right now. I feel like i owe it to you all to post something here though. I don't have so many people drop in for no reason at all. The least i can do is update regularly for you all! I've been doing my Christmas shopping finally. And things have just been not great around here. I'm stressed over everything. I am still not quite done with my Christmas stuff yet. But i am such a procrastinator! And i was waiting on a check to get here before i spent all my money! So now that it has, it was shopping time! And i spent WAY more money than i intended! Isn't that they way it goes! I am just frustrated and irritated and just wanna scream! Bad things have happened this week in my husband's unit. Can't really talk about it. But it's been a really difficult week. I worry about him and he's doing. How he is handling things. How all this will affect him long term. We knew it was only a matter of time before something would happen. I pray every day that God protects him and keeps him safe from harm. So i really haven't been too worried over him. I fully believe that God has promised to bring him home to me. I wasn't quite prepared for what has happened within his platoon. His whole battalion actually....but really in his platoon and how it has affected him. It's just one of these things that i guess we learn to cope with. One of these things that is supposed to make us stronger. I'm feeling pretty drained of strength right now. I'm just ready to lay down and call it a day! I think i'm gonna make this one short and move on now! I'll update again soon. Hopefully i'll be in a better frame of mind then!

Follow up on submission.....

2007-12-17T09:32:00.000-05:00

I want to say Thanks to everyone who has commented on my most recent blog. I posted it on myspace too. Not everyone left written comments but i did get some great comments. I have to admit though....i started that blog because i was infuriated at the fact that Huckabee was being bashed for his Christian beliefs. Biblically based Christian beliefs. Still just irritates me to no end that when they have nothing else to pick on they go after a man's faith. As i was saying though....i had other purposes for starting that blog. As i typed though, i found that i NEEDED to say those things. I needed people to know what i had to say about submission. I needed to get my thoughts on it out there for others to know. As i clicked on publish post at the end though i found that i was nervous. Fearful even, of the backlash that such words can bring upon me from others. I prayed that God got his point across in what i said and that people didn't think i was trying to preach at them. So far i've had nothing but good come back to me. But that doesn't mean there isn't evil out there waiting on me. I have to say though that I have been there on the unbelieving end. Even as a Christian i went through a period where i didn't believe submission was important. I thought that meant i was being controlled by my husband and i wanted no part of that. For a long time i didnt even want to get married because of it. Then i met Jay. Marriage wasn't such a bad thing when i looked in his eyes. Submission however? Still didn't want to give him all of me! I didn't mind doing things for him. But he better do for me in return. I faced each day looking at what i HAD to do for him everyday. What he expected of me everyday. I always thought we had a happy marriage, but I wasn't always a happy person. Got news for you...i was wrong about the happy marriage part too! If we had been so happy, would i have ever thought about leaving him? NO. If we had been so happy would he have sought companionship in another? NO! If we had been so happy would he have missed so much with our family? NO. We would have wanted more time together not longed for days when he worked or i worked and we were apart. Granted, i did look forward to his days off so i could spend time with him. I wanted to be happy with him. I wanted us to enjoy each other. And we did have good times together. But after a couple hours he always had something to do that didn't include me. It was painful. I could see us spiraling downward and i couldn't stop it. Finally I reached a point where i couldn't watch the spiral any longer. So i talked to him about it. We layed everything on the table. All our feelings. All our guilt. All our wrongdoings. EVERYTHING! We had a week long no holds barred conversation about anything and everything that we have ever been unhappy about in 9 years! It was a really difficult time. I mean REALLY difficult! The hardest thing i have ever done! EVER!!! And i've kissed him and sent him off to war....but that week was harder! The weeks following were harder. It was AWFUL!!! I sought help through counseling. I didn't want to get angry over what he'd told me. And i wanted to learn to deal with my guilt for all i'd done to him. I wanted to learn to be a better wife. It was through counseling that i learned the real meaning of submission. I learned how to get up everyday and say How can i serve my husband today and show him that i love him? Totally changed my attitude toward him. Everything went from what do i have to do and what does he expect of me to how can i show him what he means to me and what else can i do for him. I discovered that when i started this, his attitude changed too. He responded to my love for him by showing me he loves me in various ways. Even when he was in basic training and ait. I wrote him love letters. I wrote him a whole page on things i love about him. He wrote me love letters. He said all the words i had always wanted to hear. And not just in letters....on the phone too. And when i saw him again after basic training i saw a look in his eyes i hadn't seen in years. Pure love. I'll never forget that look. He has very expressive eyes. I told him that too. That in his eyes i can see everything he is feeling. I see love, happiness, anger, sadness, exhaustion, humor......just everything! I really can't wait to see him again. To see his eyes for the first time again. I long to see that look of "I love you so much. You are the only thing that has gotten me through everything and back here. Thanks for being here" Gives me chills to think of it. I now know what happiness in marriage is. I know how it feels. I cant wait for him to be back home so we can just sit together again. I miss that. But it's really great too while he is gone to continue to build on our love and trust and make our foundation of marriage even stronger! Well....i certainly didn't intend for my blog to go this direction today. I was just going to say Thanks for the positive comments on my last blog and tell you about other things in my life. But guess i just needed to say these things today! Have a great day! Fill you in on other things later!

A Christian for President?

2007-12-15T11:11:00.000-05:00

Will it happen? Will we EVER have a good Christian president? This country was founded on Christian morals. The first settlers left England because of religious persecution. They were seeking a land where they could worship freely. Read the Constitution. It is a wonderful document that reflects these beliefs. How did we become the country who is so into it's own freedoms and rights that we have forgotten the basic ones given to us by the maker of all things? We have this book on our bookshelves and on our coffeetables in nearly every house across this great country. How often does anyone take this book and read it? Of course i am talking about the Holy Bible. It's right there waiting for us. Answers to our questions are in there! Anything we need is in there! You need support, pick up your Bible. You need encouragement, pick up your Bible. You need strength, pick up your Bible. Wanna know if you will be ok if you cheat on your spouse, READ your Bible! Wanna know if murder is ok, Read your Bible! (ok most of us know that murder is not ok anyway) Wives, are you to submit to your husbands? YES YOU ARE!!!!! Does that mean be his slave and do every little bitty thing he asks of you....NO! So let's define this word "submit". Just to make this clear. Submit according to webster means 1 a: to yield to governance or authority b: to subject to a condition, treatment, or operation 2: to present or propose to another for review, consideration, or decision ; also : to deliver formally 3: to put forward as an opinion or contention intransitive verb1 a: to yield oneself to the authority or will of another : surrender b: to permit oneself to be subjected to something 2: to defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another. Now having read all that....do you think God really intends for us to be subjected to a certain condition or treatment? NO Do you think God expects us to yield ourselves to another person authority? Well....yes sortof.....he does expect us to offer our thoughts and opinions to our spouses as part of a discussion to reach a final decision. HOWEVER...as part of that discussion...if what our husband feels is best for our family reflects his opinion more than our's...it is our job as wives to support our men in these decisions. Not just fight for our own opinions. Yes, our husbands are the head of our households! They are our supporters, our providers, our caretakers, our lovers, and so many more things. We are their supporters, their caretakers, their lovers. Notice i didn't say providers. We do for them...we serve them...we love them. They provide a home for us. Is this a Father Knows Best way of thought? Perhaps. Does it mean that women are not allowed to work? NO! I work. I currently work in my home. I have worked out of my home. I have future desires and dreams. Will that stop me from supporting my husband? NO. Will that stop me from submitting to him? NO. If he comes to me and expresses a desire for me to not work any longer will i listen? Yes! Will that stop me from wanting to pursue a dream by attending school? No. I'll discuss that with him because pursuing my education is a good thing. One day in the future we may need me to go back to the workforce and i'll have that education then. If he says no will i give up my dream? I don't look at it as giving up. I look at it as changing my dreams. I have all i need in him. He provides for me. He loves me. I am fulfilled in my marriage and family. Not chasing other dreams does not make me less of a person. It makes me more of a wife if I am following the will of God and submitting to my husband. Would my husband ask me not to pursue my education? No way! Because he loves me, he wants the best for me. He knows my desire for knowledge. He'd never want to cause me distress by telling me i can't gain more knowledge. Does this mean that God wants us to be under our husband's thumbs and follow them around like a serving wench? NO!!! It means that while we are partners with our spouses, final decision in everything is HIS to make. Not mine! I discuss with him, offer opinions, go through all the information, but he does what is best for us. If something ends up not being the best for us can i tell him that he should have done things my way? I could, but it would do nothing but cause a fight. Should i tell him that it's ok, things will work out and next time we will discuss further before making a decision? Absolutely. I am supporting him. That's submission! I get up every day asking myself what can i do to show my husband how much i love him today. Been doing this for a little more than a year. It's been the best time of our marriage! Granted he's in the Army and is currently deployed. But our marriage is stronger than ever. Whether he's here or gone. We don't worry what the other is doing while we are apart. We don't fight when he gets to call. We are secure in our love because we know that we have that bond. When he's here we rarely have cross words. We support each other. Before i started doing this....we fought, we didn't feel so loved in our marriage, we didn't know how to express the love we did feel. It was a nightmare! Since i have started this i think we have BOTH learned what God means when he says wives submit to your husbands. I started this blog today (and i know its really long now) because i saw and read and article on Presidential Candidate Mike Huckabee. He stated that he believes wives should submit to their husbands. People's reactions to this article really pissed me off to put it bluntly. They were all talking about Huckabee going back to his cave and only a redneck would think such a way, this is not the Leave It To Beaver and Father Knows Best times anymore, women have rights too. Not ONE person followed up on what God had to say next. So here is what the Bible actually says about submission: Colossians 3:18-23 "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh to them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men." This is the New International Version. I also looked these verses up in the King James version. This is one time i can tell you that no different wording was used! Both versions say not only Wives, submit to your husbands (KJV did say submit to your OWN husbands), but also Husbands, love your wives. Yes, we are to submit and support them as the head of our households, but they are to love us and not treat us as slaves. Slaves have their own roles according to God's Word....as you just read. So tell me, honestly, would it be SO bad to ask wives to put their husband's opinions first, to support them in love, to show them daily how much they love them? Would it be so bad to ask husbands to Love their wives, support them, provide for them? Did i say one thing at all in here about cooking, cleaning, working, sex, or anything else that would be considered a "chore"? NOPE! Those things all fall into place when you are doing as God asks. No one says the wife's place is barefoot and pregnant. I only said that we should have proper priorities placed in our homes and lives. God first, spouse second, then children and ourselves. Actually many people will tell you to put your spouse after God (as you should) then yourself THEN your children. Because if you're right with God, and you and your spouse are right with each other, then your children will be great! I'm thinking having a little Bible based Christianity in the White House would do us all some good. As i recall....(though i wasn't living then).....back in the days of Leave It To Beaver and Father Knows Best we didn't have such problems with teen pregnancy, divorce, murder, rape, prostitution, drugs, and the many many other things destroying homes across this country. Why don't we try putting God back in America again?

Livin La Vida Loca

2007-12-13T12:28:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the Ricky Martin quote, but honestly there is no better to describe the life i'm livin today! Yesterday afternoon my oldest darling, Kaitlyn, fell from the top step of our porch and landed flat on her back in the snow on the ground below. Now keep in mind she just recently recovered from falling on the ice and hurting her back. So now we are back to her barely able to move and whining because her back hurts. So i kept her home today again! I'm giving her motrin, rubbing her down with icy hot and applying heat. Tomorrow she should be mobile again! I sent Keliah to school but was called to come get her because she is complaining of her eye hurting and pink eye is going around. YAY! She actually could have stayed but the nurse called once, i told her to give her an eye wash to see if it helped, it did, but then Keliah was back with the same complaint so she called again. Not wanting to go through this all day i finally went and picked her up. While i was out i stopped at the store and picked up more ibuprofen for Kaitlyn and heat wraps. Now she IS going to school tomorrow. So is Keliah. I think she is just wanting to be home since her sister is. I was sweeping my kitchen floor this morning and my broom handle broke in half. Now the handle on it is long enough that Keliah could easily use it. I however, have a very difficult time using it! Like on my knees sweeping the floor difficult time! Keliah is happy about that because she loves to sweep. I just wish she did a better job! Well....on the upside....Jay called me today! Things are good with him. He's doing as well as he can considering the current situation. We are having lots of snow right now. What's new there! They actually used the word blizzard on the weather report. It's certainly looking that way! Well....i have kids yelling for this and that! Guess i have to go! I still have more in depth things to talk about but geeze....who has the time!

And now its Tuesday

2007-12-11T14:34:00.000-05:00

another day and more snow falling. It's just beautiful actually. I love watching it fall. And quite honestly....it doesn't matter how much of it falls....i'm still getting where i need to go when i need to go. Everywhere except the post office. For some reason i just can't get myself to get up and go there! And i have a package i need to send to Jay. I need to get it to him! It's got Christmas stuff in it and it's not even in the mail yet! HELLOOOOO!!! Christmas is 2 weeks from today! But then i haven't bought one single present to go under my tree either! I'll get it all done though. I always do! So i got to talk to Jay on webcam last night! That was so great! I love when i get to talk to him like that. Whether on webcam where we are typing and seeing each other or on VTC where we can just sit and chat face to face. I just love getting to see him. Of course while i was talking to him i glanced over at the tree and well.....tears started to fall. He was like "why u cryin" i tried to play it off like i wasn't but he knows me too well. There were just a few tears....but he was clearly visibly upset by them. We got to talk like an hour though! That was so fantastic! We goofed off, made faces at each other, the kids played and made faces for him. It was just a splendid time. Today i am trying to just get some errands and little things taken care of. I desperately HAVE to go to the post office! Aside from Jay's package, i have 3 other boxes sitting here and close to 100 cards that need stamps! I gotta go if for no other reason than simply to be able to see my counter and desk again! LOL!!! So i guess i should go! I've got more to say but it's more in depth and i just don't have time! I will get to it either this evening or tomorrow! Talk to you later!!!! Keep Smiling! I love you even if no one else does!

Snowy days

2007-12-09T13:51:00.000-05:00

We have lots of snowy days up here. I just thought that today i would post some pictures of my girls sledding and playing. They were having lots of fun in the snow.

Keliah Sledding

Kaitlyn Sledding

Keliah's nose after sledding into the picnic table

So there was their fun for the day. I think i am off to get a new sled. I picked one up yesterday and now we need a new one so we have no arguing over it! Kaitlyn's friend brought her's down to play and we have one....but we have one more kid that is left standing far too often. So i guess i'll be buying a new one! Good thing these are inexpensive! It's kinda strange when Kaitlyn's friend is here. My girls will run outside and do this or that....but her friend just kinda hangs around like she wants to say something but doesn't know what to say. Like when Kaitlyn gives me an attitude and gets in trouble while her friend is here, her friend wants to apologize or something. It's odd.....but maybe she's just testing me to see if she can tell me things or if i'm one of those mom's that doesnt care about the friends. Hmm...i'm gonna have to spend more time talking to her too. Maybe if i joke around with her a little and talk to her more she'll feel more at ease and know she can come to me too. Anyway.....You guys have a great week! I'll be back later!

Pictures....as requested!

2007-12-05T12:13:00.000-05:00

Anyone wanna see pics of our tree now that i have it up and glowing? If you do....you are in the right place! If you don't.....get outta here! LOL!!!! I'm posting them anyway! Quality is not great because i had to take them with my phone since i broke my camera! But here ya go!

This next one is of the ornament my friend at CMW sent me! Thank you so much! It's just gorgeous!

This one is the 1/2 of the ornament we are keeping here. (the one i mentioned in yesterday's blog)

This one is the 1/2 of the ornament that goes to my Honey over there!

So there ya go! I hope you enjoyed them! If i happen to decorate anything else around here, i'll post more pictures! Until then....you all have a wonderful day! Got nothing new to add today!

Christmas time is here

2007-12-04T12:42:00.000-05:00

I finally sucked it up and dragged all the decorations and the tree up from the basement. And you know what....i'm glad i did! Even though Jay isn't here with us, it's nice to see our tree up and all our decorations from over the years. Some from my childhood, some from his childhood, some we have bought for our kids, and others we have just collected over the years we have been together. It's like having pieces of him here with us. I got us a new ornament this year....it's actually 2 ornaments.....each part of it is a teddy bear holding 1/2 a heart and kinda leaning on another heart. So one of them goes to him over there and on the 1/2 a heart i put my name and our girls names and the whole heart says Miss You. Then on the one that stays here i put his name on the 1/2 heart and the whole heart says Love You. That way he has a piece of us and we have a piece of him and next Christmas we can join our hearts again. So i'm looking forward to getting that one on our tree. I'm also looking forward to hanging the ornament from the CMW ornament exchange on my tree! The one i got is soooooo pretty! It's going to be gorgeous hanging there. We have never lived in such a spacious home though so i have quickly discovered that i don't have that many decorations! And of the few i do have....some are missing! I can't find my big wreath! It hangs above my entertainment center every year and was hand made my Jay's mother and now it's gone! I'm really really unhappy about that! Of course if i tell her she will happily make me another. Actually i may call her later and tell her. Not because i want to put her out but because i'm really saddened by it's vacancy! It was one of the few things she has given me over the years that i really liked! She didn't give me her son so he doesnt count! God gave me her son! She was just fortunate to be the one to raise him. So anyway.....i do miss my Honey during this time of year. But i still feel better just getting out the decorations. Besides there was NOTHING like putting up the tree and looking outside to see snow falling and a blanket of snow already on the ground. It just made things seem right even when they aren't completely. Like even in such a sad time there is still beauty and wonderful things all around me. And then i got a phone call that our Christmas pictures are ready today! We were not expecting them back until December 13th!!!! I'm very happy about that! Now i just have to drive all the way to Watertown and get them! In the snow! I hope the roads are clear! I don't plan to go til tomorrow though at the earliest! So it will be ok. Well....i'm off to see if i can find the snow shovel and clear the walk. If not i'll have to go to the store at some point and get myself a new one! Turns out....i really do kinda like the snow! It really doesn't bother me so much! I know i am just getting into the winter here and it will get worse but i'm ok with it. Have a great week!

What a weekend!!!!

2007-12-02T18:13:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not...i'm smiling as i type this! Not whining....not complaining....actually smiling! My dear Keliah tells me all too often that i never smile anymore and she misses my smile. That makes me sad! I didn't realize that i never smile anymore. My smile went to Iraq and is still there though! I guess i have to find a temporary smile to attach to my face until my permasmile is back. So i'm testing one right now as i tell you all about my weekend! It's feeling pretty good too! It all started with Friday....i didn't have to babysit. I spent the morning with my friend Ashley and her cousin Meggan just shopping. I still haven't done any of my Christmas shopping, but i had a great time! LOL I got the girls some new jeans at Old Navy. And a couple new shirts. While i was standing in line at the checkout...i noticed a table full of their cable knit sweaters sooooo guess who got a new sweater! Yep....ME!!! I never do that for myself and it was so nice to go to the Battalion Christmas party in a new sweater. After shopping i came home and enjoyed the peace and quiet. That night we just hung out and did nothing. Saturday we had the Christmas party. That was really good. The kids got some great Crayola things from Santa. They have had a blast playing with them. I got to meet one of the girls from a Army wife board i go to....not CMW....a different one. One i rarely speak of actually. That was so great to finally get to meet her. She is right too....her baby girl is absolutely adorable! And my girls were well behaved. Then we went to my friend Sarah's house after the party and had pizza with them. We played Wii with them. It was so fun! But my right arm is so sore today! I was getting way into the pitching and batting and bowling! But i had a great time! And all our kids didn't fight or scream or run around like wild people! Today we HAD to go to the grocery store and do some cleaning! We were out of clean towels and clothes so it was definitely time to get busy here! But i wrote everything down and assigned chores to each of us. In an hour and half the house was clean and no one fought over it. I'm still doing laundry but it's so nice to have my house clean! Kaitlyn volunteered to do the dishes after dinner. So we can start our week with a clean house. I'm very happy about that! So anyway. It's been a great weekend. Busy but still really good. This week the girls have to work a little at a time on their rooms each day and by the end of the week their rooms should be clean. Then we can just keep up our daily stuff and not have to take a whole day to clean up again. Well....i'm sure we will occassionally but hopefully it won't get so bad again. It was pretty disgusting! And i hate that! I like my house clean! I just got so busy this weekend and let it go for about 4 days! The floors hadn't been done in ages. I couldn't tell you how long it had been since those were done actually! I put them off til last and then they just never get done. So i'm feeling pretty good today! I'm gonna go enjoy my clean house and my happy children! Have a wonderful week! I'll be back soon!

All this from the mind of ME!!!!!!!!!!

2007-11-29T08:19:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about odd things. Not that this is anything new. I think about odd things quite often. Things like what words sound funny. Porch is one of those words....it's a funny word...say it out loud you'll see what i mean. But anyway....i was watching Tool Time the other night. I know the show is actually called Home Improvement, but it was the Tool Time portion of Home Improvement that was actually watching! So i was watching it and i realized that quite often my blogging is like Tim's babbling. You know at the end of his show when he puts in his 2 cents on women or manners or men's behavior or kids or whatever is going on at home that particular day. This particular show was on how his kids have no manners. And he bet Jill that he could get them to have ONE meal using their manners. If he could then she had to do something for him but if he couldn't then he had to get her season tickets to the opera and go with her to the performances. Unfortunately i fell asleep before it was over so i can't remember if he had to go to the opera or not. My guess would be he did because he's just as wild as his boys are. But when he was babbling about men and manners it occurred to me that i do that often. I use my blogging opportunity to just babble about whatever is on my mind! So i'm gonna do that right now! Yesterday i was thinking about how sad it is that our kids know and understand abbreviations like R&R and words like Deployment. Those words are as much a part of daily conversation for them as they are for me. They say them so often i don't even realize it anymore. Until i heard one of my girls say it and her friend said "what? what's R&R?" Then it hit me that this is really sad that she not only knows the words but she then explained it to her friend. We think it's cute when they use abbreviations like PT , ACU, PX, DFAC and know what the Shoppette and Commissary are. But it's not as cute when it's the words dealing with the actual war stuff. Then it's just sad. I don't like that i have to know these words. I wish we lived in a world where our kids didn't have to know them. But we don't. So what can we do? I'm at a loss on this one. I do all i can to support my hubby and support my family. But i can't change the state of the world. Not on my own. Anyway.....these are just thoughts that go through my head. There are many many other things that go through my head. Weird things. Like is it still lustful thoughts if you are thinking about your husband? I think about this one a LOT. Because it's not ok to think of other men in such ways....but he's the one i love, the one i pledged my life too. He's the one that God meant for me to do these things with. So is it still lustful thoughts if my thoughts are about him? I'd be inclined to say no. But i'm not sure biblically where we stand on this one. I'm thinking if God meant for me to do these things with him and they are a beautiful wonderful part of our relationship then i can think about doing them with him too. Well....i'm gonna go. Babysitting and stuff going on around here! Have a good day!

UGH IT'S SO COLD!!!!!!!!

2007-11-27T13:58:00.000-05:00

I'm freezing! It's so cold outside! It's been raining and that is supposed to turn to snow as the day goes on. I guess it's officially winter in upstate new york! Yay for me! I would rather be hot than cold! Better get used to it though...got no choice right now! So....i'm dreading Christmas. I haven't even gotten out the decorations yet. With Jay not here it's just so blah! But i do love the Christmas movies that are on tv every night! Tonight on ABCFamily is Prancer! I love that movie. It's so cute! My girls have been asking when it will be on since Thanksgiving ended. So tonight we will watch it and enjoy some time together. That will be nice. I'm in a slightly better mood than yesterday. I'm not crying at the drop of a hat today. But i am still missing my Honey, of course. Hopefully he'll get to call today or tomorrow though. Seems like there is just so much i want to tell him! I'm hoping he gets his package soon too! I love when he calls after getting a package. He seems much more cheerful then. Which makes me more cheerful too. I'm really tired today too. I would love a nap. I think i may go get some rest while everyone else around here is resting! I really do not have much of anything to say today. Maybe i will tomorrow! I'm gonna think about it and see! So i'll talk to you all later!

Post Holiday Monday

2007-11-26T13:12:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling really blah today. Actually I'm not feeling well at all. It's not just blah getting me down. I have a headache and my neck is really tense. My back hurts from the stress in my neck muscles....it's spreading! And my stomach feels queasy. I just wanna sit and cry and be left alone and curl up on my couch and watch tv. But watch what I want and not what kids want! That almost never happens! Im so cranky today! I talked to my Honey yesterday. We talked online. He shared some pics with me and i shared some with him. That was nice. Although the one i really wanted didn't come through! Maybe it will next time. It was a close up of him. I could actually really see his face. But when he tried to send it to me the computer read it as a file instead of a picture and it was blurry. It wouldnt come through clearly or save to my computer. Hopefully he can get it to come through next time. Then he got off the computer and called me. We talked but it seemed like such a short conversation. I got off the phone wanting so much more from him. I felt so empty afterwards. That never happens. Normally when he calls i'm so happy and just filled with love. But this time i just needed so much more from him and he can't give me what i need over the phone. I just need a hug. A real one. I need him to squeeze me tight and rub my back like he always does and tell me to quit worrying about things. Just that simple reassurance you know. But he can't do that when he's almost 6,000 miles away. I really really dislike deployment. Why does it have to be so long? I miss him so much today! Is this post holiday blues or just simply a bad day? I feel so awful for Steph since her hubby has to leave for training for a month. And not long after he gets back from training he will be over there near my Honey. Really near him actually. Much closer to him than i am to Steph. So i just hurt for her today. I know she is about to start her long journey of pain. I don't want her to have to feel like this. I don't want anyone to feel like this. It's just awful to sit and be watching tv and then all of a sudden you are crying and you really don't know why! Anyway.....i'm going to go try some excedrin and see if it helps my headache. Maybe tomorrow will be better!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

2007-11-22T11:07:00.000-05:00

This isn't going to be a long blog today! No since in keeping everyone from a wonderful day with family and friends. We are at Ashley's house today. Her family was kind enough to invite us to join them in their dinner. I woke up this morning to find a few inches of sleet on the ground outside my house! So i called Ash and asked how the weather was at her house so i could decide if we should brave the elements for some turkey or not. It's only raining here though. Amazing what 40 miles can do for the weather! So we packed up some extra clothes in case things got bad and some extra blankets because you never know what will happen. And here we are! So anyway....Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there. I know this is a difficult day for some of us because of our other halves being gone right now. I talked to mine this morning and he is doing well. He had just had Thanksgiving lunch. He's hoping to get to call again today and talk to the kids too. I hope he can. Last time he planned to do that he wasn't able to get back to the phone. But we are going to have a good day no matter what! I'm thankful for my honey and my kids and friends and family so i'm going to celebrate today! Have a wonderful day everyone!

My favorite people

2007-11-21T09:21:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to take a minute or two to say a few words about the people who are such a great support to me right now. The ladies at Christian Military Wives are just the best. They give me strength when i feel i have run out of it. They offer me prayers. I pray for them. We support each other in ways i have never experienced any where else. Not all of us have husbands who are deployed. Some have husbands who just returned from over there. Some have husbands who have never been over there. But they will eventually. Some have husbands who have been injured over there. Some are active duty and others are reserve or guard. They are not all Army. Some are Marines, some Navy, and some Air Force. There may even be some Coast Guard. But branch of service doesnt matter. What matters is that there isn't any arguing or negativity. You can talk about what is going on with you and they don't judge, they support. If you are having a bad day, no one tells you to suck it up because this is what you do....instead they offer to pray for you because they have bad days too and they know how it feels to just simply miss your heart when he's gone. I go visit the board several times a day just to see what's new. I find myself going there now to see if there is anything i can say or do for another to offer them support. When i first started going there it was more selfish....i needed them. Now while i still need them, i find that i can have a much better day when i can support someone else. If you want to check it out....if you havent already......there is a link to the right over there to the right.....the one that says Christian Military Wife Support . And if you are one of the Awesome ladies on that board....thank you so much for giving to me! I hope i can do at least 1/2 as much for you. I want to do twice as much for you...but you all are so wonderful i don't know that i can possibly equal that! You all are really the best!

Music, Love, Life

2007-11-20T09:02:00.000-05:00

Last night in a moment of truly missing my hubby and out of grand nostalgia i watched my wedding video. I laughed all the way through it! My wedding was full of hilarity! In the video you see my cousin smack her daughter in the back of the head to tell her she is supposed to be bowing her head during prayer. My cousin was my MOH and her daughter, then 8-now 18!!!, was my flower girl. After my Granny was escorted to her seat she started a conversation with the person video taping. My sister couldn't get one of the candles to light during her role in the ceremony and started saying bad things to the candles then turns and yells at my mom that it won't light! To be fair mom yelled at her first from where she sat! And you can hear this on the tape! The candle did get lit after all that! And yes we did light them the night before to make sure we didn't have any problems! Let's see....what else...my brother.....then 11, now 21.....almost passed out. We had to have him taken to a seat. He was our ring bearer. He was so cute in his little tux too! Only time in his life he ever wore one! and i have it on tape! He chose the moment to try and pass out during the time we are kneeling on the prayer bench. THEN we go to light the unity candle and i knock it off the stand! Then my candle representing my parents will not blow out. It was just very funny! Looking back i just laugh every time i watch it! We have parts of the reception on tape too.....like Jay asking for a bib when we are feeding each other cake. Good times! Makes me miss him terribly! Not that i didn't before. But we haven't watched our video together in ages! We need to do that when he comes home for R&R. He's planning to be here for our anniversary anyway! Perfect timing. So other than this....i've been thinking about music a lot lately. How songs can mean so much to us. Everything from Friends in Low Places reminding me of driving around in Steph's truck that didn't have a radio so we sang that song very loudly to entertain ourselves to Me and You reminding me of when i pledged my eternal love and devotion to my beloved. 1,2,3 Like a bird i sing....will always remind me of Keliah and how she sings it over and over and over. and of Ashley because she used it on a video of us she made for me. it's on my myspace...go check it out. Wind Beneath My Wings will always remind me of first my mom because Beaches is one of our favorite movies to watch together. and two my old friend Brent because it was played at his funeral. Anything by the Beach Boys reminds me of my dad because he LOVES them and i took him to see them in concert one summer. That's the only time we have been to a concert together and it was so fun! One Tin Soldier will always remind me of friends in Jr High because we sang that song over and over and over in choir class. Now i wish i could remember all the words. Music is just such a driving force in our lives! You know people who are behind the music must know this. So why do they make some of the smut they make? Why can't they be more inspiring? I know that everytime i hear I Can Only Imagine i will think not only of my Granny but also of Carla, Dody, Joyce, several other crazy women and a wonderful night of karaoke and fellowship! I can't say that songs like......well obviously i don't listen to that kind of music because i can't think of any!......but there are many songs hitting the airwaves every day that are less than inspiring. So why write them? Why not make life more positive? I will always feel pride when i hear American Soldier, God Bless America, Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue, Star Spangled Banner, God Bless the USA....and so many others...that list can go on and on. Anyway....i was just wondering what song do you believe best describes you? My theme song i think is Who I Am by Jessica Andrews. This song just really gets me! I sing it loudly every time i hear it! so here's the lyrics in case you are wondering what the songs says:

If I live to be a hundred,
never see the 7 wonders,
That'll be alright
If I don't make it to the big leagues,
if I never win a grammy,
I'm gonna be just fine,
cause I know exactly who I am

Chorus: I am rosemarie's granddaughter,
the spitting image on my father,
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan,
Sometimes i'm curious and i'm clumsy,
but i've got friends that love me,
And they know just where I stand,
it's all a part of me,
That's who I am

So when I make a big mistake,
when I fall flat on my face,
I know i'll be alright
Should my tender heart be broken,
i will cry those teardrops knowing,
I will be just fine,
cause nothin changes who I am

(chorus)

I'm a saint and i'm a sinner,
i'm a loser, i'm a winner,
I'm and steady and unstable,
i'm young but I am able

(chorus)

That's who I am

So that's it! My granny's name was Gladys Marie though, not Rose Marie! Anyway....this has gotten really long. So you guys have a fantastical kind of day!

Grab a chair and some coffee this could take a while!

2007-11-17T20:10:00.000-05:00

So lately on my very supportive and much loved christian military wives board there have been many many posts on how we treat our spouses. Do we treat them as a best friend when we so often refer to them as a best friend? Do we say hurtful things to them? Do we serve them in love as we should? I have spent much much time over the past year or so working on my relationship with my husband. I want it to be fabulous! We are soooo much better off now than we were. I can truly call him my best friend and mean those words. I watch what i say to him and concentrate more of words of affirmation than on harsh things. I try to really make sure he KNOWS without a doubt how i feel about him every day! Even while he is deployed....i tell him as often as i can that i am completely in love with him. Meaning....i love him with all of my being, i know he isn't perfect and i love him. He means everything to me. And his absense leaves a whole in my life. But then i was thinking.....if we can put this much work into our marriage.....why can't we put this kind of work into our parent/child relationship? I have been complaining a LOT lately about how my kids are behaving while their daddy is gone. If you didn't notice read on down a couple days...you'll see. Kaitlyn keeps insisting that i show her no respect while i am insisting that she show me some first. But at the same time....am i watching what i say to them? Do i lay guilt trips on them to get them to do things? Yes i do! Does it work? No it doesnt! I do this because it was learned behavior from my mom. It normally worked with me but i am not as stubborn as my offspring! So instead of using guilt with them or words of anger toward them....maybe i should try words of affirmation. Will they respect me more if i do that? I'm sure they will. I would have preferred words of affirmation over guilt from my mother. I respect my mother but it's taken a LOT to completely understand our relationship. But i'm a mom now too and that makes a world of difference. I can't wait til my kids are moms for us to have a good relationship. We need to get this worked out now! I was told recently that one of the biggest things i can do for them is to pray for them on my knees everyday, but make sure they know i am doing it too. They know i pray for their daddy and others. But do they know i pray for them too? I made a point to let them know that i know they hurt too with daddy gone. I told them that i think about that everyday and that i pray for them everyday and Kaitlyn thanked me for it. Clearly i should do that more often. So was just thinking that if we apply these things to our parent/child relationships how would things change?! I'm going to make a conscious effort to apply some of these principles in my house this week and i'll let ya know! As for other business.....Jay was online earlier today. I missed him again. The bad part is I WAS HOME!!!! Someone turned the volume down on my computer and i was in the bathroom getting dressed. The girls were both in the living room the whole time and Kaitlyn noticed when he signed out! So i missed him. I cried for a little while after that! But i'm ok now. It'll all be fine. Like i said a couple weeks ago when i missed him online....it's bound to happen. But i was here this time! That's what had me so upset this time. So i think i'll let you go now!

TGIF!!!!

2007-11-16T12:41:00.000-05:00

It's Friday!!!! I got up in a good mood today. Was it because i talked to my honey yesterday. Maybe! Was it because i got up on time for a change? Maybe! Was it because my house was clean when i woke up? Maybe! Who cares why it was....the fact is that it happened and well that's just great! Then i go to my mailbox and i had not one but TWO cards from friends wishing me well and reminding me they are thinking of me and praying for me and my family. How incredibly sweet is that? Made my day! I have read both cards numerous times already! And one of them included a magnet that said Smile on it. It is on my fridge so everytime i go there i can see it and smile and think about how much my friend loves me! Thank you Stephi! I will think of you numerous times a day now! I've been thinking today that after my whining yesterday i should say something positive. We are all entitled to whiny days. We are all entitled to happy days. Someone recently asked if i feel guilty for being happy on my happy days. At first i did. I felt guilty for getting to take my kids to McDonalds. I felt guilty for a lot of things. but then i thought about what my husband would want. He'd want me to be happy. So i asked him one day. I was right. He wants to know i am happy. He wants to know that the girls and i are enjoying our time together. He knows we miss him. He knows we love him. Just like we know he misses us and he loves us. But we want him to be happy too. We need to know that we are all doing well. It makes the time go faster too when you are happy and making the most of it. So if you are finding yourself feeling more sad than happy.....ask yourself what you can do about it. Can you put together a new package for the hubs? Can you write him a letter that tells him nothing more than all the reasons you love him? I've done that actually. It was fun! I felt so happy when i finished and he was so thrilled when he got it. I've written him letters telling all the little things i miss too.....but didn't concentrate on the sadness of it.....if you know what i mean....i told him i miss things like the way he brushes my hair with his fingers when i lay my head in his lap, the way he walks up behind me in a crowd and hugs me from behind and whispers that he loves me in my ear, the way he tells me that he loves having me for a wife whether we are alone or in a crowd of people, the way the throws paper at me when we are at home watching tv then acts like he didnt do anything. You know all those little things that makes him who he is and makes us who we are! I write him letters to tell him things i can't wait to do with him again. Quit thinking dirty! :O But i tell him those things too! Telling him these things not only makes me feel better, but i feel closer to him and when he gets the letters they confirm my love for him in his heart and make him feel loved and happy too. Anyway......i have other things to say but this one is getting really long. I'm gonna work on my next blog in my head. It'll be here tonight or tomorrow so ya'll come back now ya hear!

Well....well.....well

2007-11-15T09:25:00.000-05:00

Not sure what is up with me this week. Last week i had tons of stuff to talk about on here. I was a blogging machine! But this week....NOTHING! There's nothing going on really. Ashley has been here all week. She went home this morning. I've been babysitting everyday. That's better than last week but somedays still really not great. My biggest issue lately is as always with my kids. Today Keliah is sick. We were up literally every 15 minutes last night because she was throwing up. It was awful! Ashley washed her hair at 1130 last night. After she'd just had a bath at 8. Then i was giving her a bath at 415 this morning. I have a TON of laundry i need to go do now. I have NO more clean towels after all that and i really want a shower! I feel like it's on me or something and i HATE puke! The smell, the sound, the site....all of it! She's feeling a little better this morning but she still can't even hold down clear liquids. So i'm giving her space and letting her rest and drink as she feels she can. She said "i know how to survive a stomach virus, it's not my first." She's so funny! As for Kaitlyn, we are just still having a hard time getting along. Nothing i do is ever enough for her. I make a really good deal with her to get her to clean her room. I offered to buy her a full year's subscription to the magazine she loves and always asks for at the store if she will just clean her room. 3 days later.....NOTHING has been done in there! Apparently she didn't understand the part where it must be done in a reasonable time.....Like by Sunday! Instead she said "how about 2 years? i'll do it today if you buy a 2 year subscription" I thought i was being reasonable to offer one year! That's like $40!!!! She just infuriates me because she is sooooooo greedy! She has so much and just wants more and more! So i quit buying. You think you need more...well i can show you what it means to need! I'll give you nothing but the required things according to the law for your survival and we'll see how bad of a mother i am! Geeze! I try to be good to them. I do things with them, i spend time with them, i get them things that they want. Keliah is happy with what i do for her. Kaitlyn is just never pleased! I ask for help with something and she looks at me like i'm stupid because i had the nerve to ask her to do something! Neither of them have lifted a finger to do a chore in this house since their daddy left. I know this is hard on them. I know they miss him. I also know if he was here she would NEVER act like this! Keliah had some attitude when he first left but she's back to normal behavior now. Kaitlyn is just so angry with me for some reason. She screams at everyone all the time. She refuses to talk to her school counselor about it. She quit writing in her journal. I just don't know what else to do. Of course it doesn't help that we are always together! When they are not in school, they are with me. I don't have a sitter for them. We don't know many people here and i am not the type to just call one of their friend's mom's and say "Hey can you take my kids for a couple hours so i can be alone?" I am the type who feels that they are my kids and they are my responsibility to raise. I would so love someone to help me out though! Just give me a couple hours to go out to dinner with a friend and no kids! Or to go to a movie. Or just clean my house! Something where i can sit with no kids around and just be happy for a bit. Not that i am never happy with them. We do things that are fun and we laugh together. But i need a break! It's been 2 months, 1 week, and a day since he left and i've had my kids non-stop since then. I'm not used to that. Not to mention that since we moved here in May, they have been with us non-stop. So technically even though Jay was here from May-September, i am still mom so i deal with all the not fun stuff that we have to do daily. Which means since we moved here i haven't had a break! AT ALL!!! So i think taking a night away from each other....just a couple hours....whatever would do us all some good! I've reached a point that i am having headaches all the time again. That's never good for any of us. So anyway....that's my deployment day today. I'm stressed! I'm at my wits end! I keep forgetting the smallest things. I just need a vacation!

Veteran's Day

2007-11-11T21:10:00.000-05:00

Hmmmm......what can i say about Veteran's Day? It's more than just a federal holiday where everything is closed and the kids are out of school. It's more than another day on the calendar that has some extra words to tell us what it is. It's more than a day to say Thanks for serving. It's more than a day to stop and remember those who have served in the past. Don't get me wrong....it is in fact all of these things. Especially the last 2. But it is also a day that i cry thinking about my honey being over there fighting for our freedom. It's a day that i miss him more than ever because he should be here beside me so when people recognize our soldiers i don't stand on his behalf, i stand next to him and smile with so much pride. It's a day when i think of the husband's of my friends and i stand with them to recognize their husband's who are gone with mine. It's a day when i think not only of our men who are serving but also of my friend's who are married to these men. Those of us who are left behind sometimes with kids and sometimes without. Those of us who are often not thought of and when we are it is often in negative ways. I think of the children who are missing their daddy's and sometimes their mommy's. The children who are too often not thought of and pushed aside, like deployment isn't in their vocabulary and they aren't hurting. I think of the wounded soldiers. Those who gave part of them to this war and will forever be reminded of what they have lost. Those who are no longer in the Armed Forces and who at times are forgotten by the country they gave so much to defend. I think of the spouses and the children of the wounded. Those who are completely forgotten but are suffering greatly. The spouses who care for their wounded every single day with no one to relieve them. The children who are told they are lucky that their daddy is no longer over there. But no one remembers they aren't quite that lucky because daddy will never be the same. He's not the daddy of their memories. He may never walk them down the aisle on their wedding day. He may never hear them speak again. He may never see them again. He may not even remember who they are any longer. He may never be able to simply hug them again. And yet nothing is done for them. On this Veteran's Day my heart aches for each of our soldiers and their families. We all make sacrifices. We all hurt. We all cry. We all stand strong while we go through this pain. We all smile and say we are fine when we all just wanna scream! We make the most of this situation we are in and we go on from one day to the next. Each of us....soldiers, spouses, children, moms, dads, and extended family. So thanks to each of you who go through this with me and my family. It's not an easy life and we didn't all choose it. Sometimes it is thrust upon us. But because of our love for our spouses we support them and do what we can to make the best out of what is given to us. Not all of us married someone who was already in the military. Not all of us really knew this life was coming at some point. But still here we are. And not all of us are with our soldier because we want his money and his benefits. We don't wait for him to leave so we can cheat on him. We don't just blow all his money on frivilous things. We support our families. We pay the bills. We send him packages filled with love. And we pray for his safe return everyday! We wait patiently for his phone calls, knowing it may be days or weeks before we get them. And we spend every call telling him how much we love him and how much we miss him. I'm proud of my husband. I'm proud of my friend's husbands. I'm proud to know that they are all out there making sure terrorists are not coming after our country again. I love you Honey and i can't wait to see you again! Thanks for being the best part of me!

OH HAPPY DAY!!!!!

2007-11-09T12:58:00.000-05:00

It's amazing what actually getting to see my Honey does for me! We had our video teleconference (also known as VTC from here on) this morning. When we got there, we of course were still not on the list. And they were having technical difficulties. You could hear each other but you couldn't see each other. I was like...i didn't drive this far from my house to this building for a phone call! But they figured it out and got it working....putting them 1/2 an hour behind! There was a guy doing a vtc with his wife, and a wife waiting to do one with her husband. Then us. So they checked and said that he was waiting on the other end so we would just be penciled in and it would happen soon. So it did! It's kinda awkward....for those of you who have never had one....you have a worse delay than you do on the phone and sometimes the video gets all blurry, but for those minutes you can actually sit and see his face and know that he is ok because you see it with your own eyes....it's just fabulous! It sucks that you can't reach out and touch him or hug him or kiss him. We blew lots of kisses and kaitlyn kept hugging the tv. But it was just so wonderful to get to sit and see him. He's lost some weight and he looks sooo tired but he's there and he's good. He misses us....you can see the emotion in his eyes when he's talking. But he could see it in ours too. It was just so fantastical! You can't even imagine unless you have been there! He's hoping that they will do it again around the holidays so we can schedule another. I really pray that they do! I so want to see him more often! Even if this is all i can get at least i can see his pretty face! The vtc is great for the kids too. They were making faces at him and just acting like they always do with daddy. It was good for them to have that interaction. Of course when we got in the car, Kaitlyn burst into tears and was really upset. She said "VTC is good but it makes me miss him more." Keliah was all smiles and happy. She said "VTC is great! I miss my daddy and now i got to see him!" I'm with Keliah....i don't know that my body and mind can actually miss him more.....but i'm so happy to get to see him! Less than 5 minutes later they were fighting so all was back to normal! Actually it really wasn't. They didn't fight that long and after they got it all out....they seemed so at peace for the first time in ages. Now they haven't made it through the rest of the school day yet so we'll see what happens when they get home....but they were better after the vtc. So anyway! I can't wait to have another vtc with him. Then some R&R and then some coming home time! After yesterday....today is like a zillion times better! I'm so happy God gave him to me to love. He just makes my world soooo good! Have a great weekend you guys!

Another month!

2007-11-07T11:53:00.000-05:00

So we are another month down now! I talked to my Honey yesterday. He sounded really down. He is really missing us right now. But we are really missing him a lot now too. Been missing him a lot though! This time of year is just hard. It's the holidays and he's not here. We have plans for Thanksgiving. That helps a lot. But our Christmas plans fell through. so i guess it will be just me and the kids for christmas. I'm ready to get through the holidays though and just get on with the new year! I feel like if we can just get through this part we will make it ya know. Like the holidays are holding me back! I just keep thinking....ok so it's November now....only 6 months til R&R!!! I'm liking the sound of that. I would like it more if that said the end instead of R&R. But i'm taking what i can get right now! that's all i can do! OK so for some reason i have to type in black today. my color thing is just not even there. I have no idea why! So weird. Well...i've been blogging frequently so i don't have too much to say today. The little boy i babysit just got here. He sounds like he is wound up. He's been at preschool and playing with his friends. He apparently had a great time! I'll be needing to go make him some lunch now. So everyone have a fantastic day! Talk to you later!

Thanks....

2007-11-06T08:58:00.000-05:00

I have to say thanks to so many people. This time of year we all stop what we are doing and think of all the people we are so thankful to have in our lives. We can't help it....it's November....that means Thanksgiving. We all start to think ahead...just waiting on that time when the family is all together and everyone is talking about why they are thankful and who means so much to them. So in the thinking ahead spirit....i am of course thankful for my husband. He's the best part of my life. He knows exactly what it takes to make me happy when i'm sad. He is my best friend and only love. We can talk about anything and everything. We can be serious or just silly when we are together. He's been part of the happiest times of my life and he's been my strength in the worst times. I truly miss him more than you know. I don't know what i would do if i never had him to hold again. I am also thankful for my children. They know how to push all my buttons but they are still part of the best things in my life. They get me through the day most days. We depend on each other so much right now. Some days i say they are driving me crazy but i'd really be crazy if i didn't have them. I've been blessed with 2 wonderful beautiful intelligent daughters. I pray that i can give them what they need to be well rounded good hearted loving strong adults. I am thankful for the extended portion of my family....way too many people to list....my parents made me who i am. Because of their love, not in spite of their behavior. My brother and sister and their spouses and children mean a lot to me. I love my nephews like my own children. I pray that i am not only their favorite aunt (haha) but also a positive christian influence on them. It may be the only Christian influence they get. I am thankful for my friends. All of you! My military wife friends......you are the best. You support me in ways that you dont even know. I draw strength from your strength. When you are sad i am sad. When you celebrate i celebrate. I love you all so much. I love knowing that i can come here and be totally honest with you all and you get it! I can say that i just wanna hear his voice saying I Love You Baby. and you know that i simply mean that while i appreciate the loving words of others, nothing in this world beats hearing those few words from HIM. I am so thankful i have you all to say these things to and know without a doubt that you know what i mean. That you know that it doesnt matter if he calls frequently or only once a month.....his voice means so much. You can tell so much from the sound of his voice....is he tired? is he ok? he loves me and misses me. is he having a good day or is he totally miserable right now? You guys get that and i love you for it. To my nonmilitary friends.....you are also an incredible support to me. My current and former church family, my old friends, and new friends....your prayers and words of encouragment are welcomed and greatly appreciated. Thank you all so much. Although you may not always understand what we are dealing with here....you are always there to listen anyway. I am also thankful to God for giving me life, love, family, friends, salvation....You sent your son to die for me. As a mom i know how hard that would be. I could never give my child's life for someone that isn't even born yet! But you did....for all children! for all adults...for every life that will ever be in existence. Thank you for that. I have this video to pass on to everyone who reads this blog today. It was passed on to me by a fellow military wife. I hope this video speaks to you as it did to me and many others i know who have seen it. Have a truly fabulous day!!!!

Here's a link to it....let me know if for some reason it didn't work! (you will have to copy/paste)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gh7icqR9zEY

The Basics of this and that

2007-11-05T10:31:00.000-05:00

Sometimes sitting down here to write is overwhelming. There is so much in my head that i want to get out. I feel like i am going to sit here and just go on and on and on and on and.....well you get the idea. I am feeling really cranky today! I'm not really cranky but i am feeling it! I think it's a combination effort that my mind and body have going on to work against me! I'm tired....didn't sleep well last night. Lots of tossing and turning and waking up. I do that often though. I feel like if Jay called me right now i would just break down and cry again. I hate doing that to him. Of course he is so great about making me feel better and has me laughing in seconds. But that only makes me miss him more. I'm feeling very sad. My oldest and dearest friend's husband is leaving soon. She just found out last night how soon. She's all the way back home in AR and i wish i could be there for her. Talking to her just makes me so sad for her. I know how bad it hurts to have your soul mate so far away. And i so wish no one else had to feel this way. My newest and dearest friend knows what i feel. We are going through this together. And i know she will agree with me that no one else should feel this way. So my mind is playing these tricks on me to make me remember the sadness of Jay leaving and forget that time is going by quickly and i'm doing ok here. But my body is tired and just wants to curl in a ball and be left alone. I started babysitting today though and i can't do those things! I'm able to sit here though because of nap time! But anyway....other than these things i wanted to tell you about our church service yesterday! I have had many conversations lately with people about Christianity and why i believe in God and why other's don't. Our sermon yesterday was on knowing the basics of Christianity and how we often will spend so much time getting in depth with the intellectual aspects of religion that we forget the simple basics of Christianity. Why do we believe in Jesus? What exactly do we believe about Jesus? If someone were to question us would we be able to defend our beliefs? If we know the basics of what we believe we should be able to....we've been taught the basics since we were very small....if we have spent our lives in church. If we haven't....well it's the first thing we are told when we come to know Jesus as savior. Jesus is both man and God. He was born of man but is fully God at the same time! It is that way...don't question it. No need to get intellectual....just know it is fact! If you can believe in UFO's and other earthly stuff you can believe that Jesus is God and Man at the same time. Jesus died on the cross for our sins....YOURS and MINE! Not just people of his own lifetime...Jesus lives today...in Heaven....he died for ALL OUR sins. All we have to do is ask him to forgive us for our sins because he has paid the price for them already. It's all right there in the Bible. Check out Romans specifically. That book can tell you all you have to know about this part. The wages of sin is death. Christ did that for us. The gift of God is eternal life. All we gotta do is ask him to be LORD of our lives and he gives us that gift freely. Not hard right! HERE'S THE HARD PART!!!!! What He expects of us in return......i can hear some of you now...i knew there was a catch! Well, yeah....we have to live for Him. that's all! Easier said than done i know. doesn't mean a lifetime of boredom. I have a great time! But i don't have to drink or other things to have a good time. I have a good time and remember that i had a good time the next day! I can laugh about it with my friends for years because there was nothing clouding my judgement and memory. But this is the hard part for many people. If someone held a gun to our heads and said "if you say you are a believer in Christ you will die" we will take the bullet for him. We'll die for him. But if someone came to us and said "we need you to teach this sunday school class." or "we need you in the choir" or "can you serve on this committee" we will think about it long and hard before saying yes or we will just say we can't do it. If Jesus is telling us to give up a bad habit for him we will think long and hard about it before doing it or we will just say now Jesus that's my business. We can't LIVE for him. It's too hard! So to come to my end of this long long blog today....i just want you to think about it.....is it easier for you to die for Jesus than it is for you to live for him? I found it very hard yesterday. I came out of church to find that someone had smeared applesauce all over the driver's side window of my car! So disgusting! My kids acted like little monsters in the commissary. To the point i finally stopped and said "I WILL NOT TELL YOU AGAIN! don't walk away from me.....don't touch each other....don't talk to each other.....quit fighting....and stay out of the way so i can get the rest of this stuff and we will leave!" Didn't help but i tried to get through to them. I was having a very hard time remembering that people are watching! People pay attention to every move you make. Especially if they even suspect that you are a Christian. hard to remember that sometimes because i don't want to be the one who does something that another person sees and says I can't be one of those people! not if they act like that! But then i got home to find that Jay was online while we were out and i missed talking to him. It was our last chance before he went out on a mission too! So then i was really sad because i like to tell him i love him before he goes out. Well....this is really really long now so i'm gonna go! Thank you for reading this far! Have a happy day!

New Day New thoughts!

2007-10-30T14:36:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling much better today than i have been recently. I woke up this morning singing the song Good Morning Beautiful and it's just changed my outlook on today. Only i made my own words to it! Here's my new version: Good Morning Beautiful, how was your night? Mine was wonderful though you weren't by my side. When i close my eyes i can still see your sweet face and that makes it a good morning Beautiful day. So there ya go! I went on a field trip with Keliah today. We went to the nature center that i went to with Kaitlyn 2 weeks ago. We went on a different hike than Kaitlyn and i went on. But it was nice. The 2nd graders today were much better behaved than the 4th graders a couple weeks ago. Older kids ya know....they tend to think they can get away with more. Or at least they have figured out what they can get away with more than the younger ones have. It was nice though to get out and walk in nature. It's always a nice reminder that God is with us always. He takes care of the birds of the air and the animals of the fields as well as the fish in the water so why wouldn't he put forth as much, or more, effort to take care of us? We are his creation too. And we are the creation who is knowledgable of Him...we spread his word and help his kingdom grow. I'd say he puts forth a LOT more effort where we are concerned, don't you? Funny how a simple nature walk can help adjust your attitude and remind you that you are but a small part of this world but you are a major part of God's kingdom. So why do we spend so much time in despair? God uses these difficult times we go through as ways to remind us that we are His and he's taking care of us! He wants us to lean on Him during these times and grow closer to Him. Not lean on ourselves and let our thoughts wander wherever they may go. I'm gonna have to remember this more often. Maybe i need to make myself a note and tape it on the shelf above my computer monitor so i'll be sure to see it daily! I can put it right next to my reminder that God is with me where ever i go....just like he is with Jay where ever he may go. Joshua 1:9 promises us all this "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you where ever you go." Great words to live by! Especially during deployment! I didn't mean for this to turn into a biblical lesson today...apparently God did though! Sometimes my fingers type and i have no idea what i am saying. Since i had no control in this one...i certainly hope these words reach the person they are meant to reach. And God, if it's me you are talking to specifically....i am open to what you are wanting me learn. Have a wonderful day you all!

Things just work that way don't they

2007-10-29T11:15:00.000-04:00

So here i am....been feeling sorry for myself for several days now. It's my own issues as i have explained on here before. I think maybe i'm not the only military wife to go through this. At some point during our husbands deployments we have to face other people's husbands coming home when our's are still there. I guess we have to learn how to handle our own emotions toward that eventually. I was doing great til guys from here started coming home. They've been there long enough it's time for them! And we have known for MONTHS that they were set to come home around this time. But i wasn't prepared for how that was going to affect me! So i have let myself be miserable because of it. I just wanted to talk to my honey and i wanted him here and i was just a mess! So then last night around 8:30 my time he called me! I was soooo excited but then as soon as he said Hey Hun how are you? i broke down and started crying! I told him why i was crying and what i was doing to myself and all. He said that he will be home soon, quit crying! Before i knew it he had me laughing. We talked about how he was trying to get his R&R for our anniversary and so we would be 1/2 way through deployment when he took it. Which is exactly what we both want! I really miss him but i DO want to wait as long as possible to see him for R&R. I don't want us to still have a YEAR to go after he leaves! We have just over 6 months now from the time he is trying to get it. which will leave us about 6-7 left when he has to go back. So most of deployment will be behind us by then! I just so needed to talk to him. I needed him to make me laugh. I miss him making me laugh! He's so good at it too. So i am feeling better now. I just depend on him so much. When i'm down he knows what to say and how to make me feel better. So having him so far away just makes those sad days even worse! He is so sweet though! I was talking to him and i said "i didn't want to break down on you like this. i hate when you call and i'm feeling so down. i don't want you to worry about me. you have enough going on." He said "Honey, you are my whole life. If i don't have you to worry about, then why am i here? I love you and i'll always listen to you, no matter how sad or happy you are." So after that our conversation was fantastic! I was just thinking after i got off the phone that it is funny how things work out, isn't it. I haven't heard from him in several days. I've been dealing with all these emotions and trying to not let them control me...unsuccessfully...and then suddenly he calls at just the right time! God knows what he is doing! And i am trying to learn the lesson he needs me to learn from all this! I'm just so thankful for my Honey!

Learning life lessons

2007-10-28T20:00:00.000-04:00

So not fun to have to learn lessons! I hate when i have to learn something! Not really because if i am put in a position to where i learn a lesson then it must mean that i NEED that lesson. I have been needing this week to learn the lesson of turning my thoughts, feelings, and emotions over to God and stop letting them control me. Yesterday i gave into them and let them control me. I was miserable all day. I wasted an entire day on feeling sorry for myself. I am truly happy for my friends. They are all very strong wise women who are such a support to me. I think in some ways i feel like now that their men are home they will forget that i'm still waiting on mine. I really don't believe that. But you know....they get to move on with their lives for another year and have their men home with them. And i'm sitting here wishing mine would just be able to call more often. That he could send hugs and kisses over the phone that i could actually feel. There are so many things i miss about him. I can never possibly tell anyone everything. Trust me....i do not sit here all the time thinking about these things. I really do get up off my butt and do things. I clean my house and take care of my kids. I go on field trips and class parties. I hang out with my friend. (the only one i have here in NY) I go to the mall and just walk around. I get out of my house. I take walks around our village. In just over a week i'll be babysitting 3 days a week. I have lots of things actually that occupy my time. But it seems that everytime i sit here to think about what i want to say to everyone out there....all i can think of is how much i miss him. I don't know what to do without him somedays. But then there are those days that i know this time will pass and things will be fine. It really is such an emotional roller coaster. And it really does start before he ever even leaves....just gets worse after he's gone. I find myself writing notes to myself for the smallest things.....like call mother in law or pack kids lunch tuesday and wednesday. Things i would normally remember. Suddenly i remember NOTHING! I've always been a little forgetful but geeze! This is really kind of pathetic! Tonight Jay's brother told me that it looks like they are not going to be able to come up here for Christmas after all. So that means the girls and i will be all alone. Maybe Jay will get to call or something. That's still a couple months away. But now i don't know what to do. I guess i'll make us some lunch and we'll open presents and just hang out all day. We'll make the most of it. That's what we do afterall right. I just want to get through the rest of this year and start 2008! I feel like if i can just make it to the new year i'll be ok! Just getting there that's 1/2 the battle right now! I'm betting that a large part of the rest of this year will be spent with me feeling sad if i dont get a handle on this now. Any suggestions? And staying busy doesn't work! The time occassionally passes faster but then sometimes it leaves me wishing he were here even more and sometimes i feel more stressed when i'm really busy and sometimes i feel like i am missing out on something when i'm too busy! Anyway....I know now that i have to quit letting this sorrow rule my life. I need to find things to keep me going but that keep me feeling happy too! I need to remember that God is always with me and he can make my sad thoughts happy ones. I just need to turn it all over to him! Have a great week!

Rain Rain Go Away!

2007-10-27T12:29:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling very blue today. It's cold and it's raining. There are Halloween parties every where for the kids. I just don't wanna get out in this weather to go to any of them. I hate to disappoint friends who are expecting us. But it's just so nasty out! There's a meeting on post that i am supposed to go to also but i just don't have the heart to get out and go! They are having homecoming ceremonies on post at the same time as our meeting. I am so happy for everyone who is having someone come home. I really am! All my friends who's husbands have come home this past week....i couldn't be happier for you! I think it's fantastic! Doesn't keep me from feeling a little sad at the same time though. We have such a long long long long long time to go! I don't want to go to the meeting today and be around happy people! I just don't want to! I want to be at home feeling sad because my husband is still there! I know all these people have been where i am right now. I know they have gone through their 15 months. They have put in their time and desserve this wonderful ending! But i'm still going through it. And looking ahead we have sooooooo long to go! Seems like next year will never get here! Like we will never get our big day too! So i'm feeling sorry for myself today! Now watch....it's rained ALL day but it'll quit just time for me to get us all dressed to go out. Just as a way to let me know that we need to get out. The best way to cure the blues after all is to be around people and have a good time. Maybe that's part of my problem. I don't want to have a good time. I want to feel sorry for myself today. I don't want people to cheer me up. That day that i posted about last ended up being a good day. It started out all kinds of bad, but ended up really good! Jay called and we got to talk for a while. Then Ashley came over and showed me her new car and stuff. She is so good at cheering me up! Yesterday i was ok. Kids got out of school early and we watched tv and did some cleaning up. Then i went to take a hot bath. But during my bath....just as i was relaxing into it really well.....Jay got online. So i got out so i could talk to him. That was nice. It just seems that he has less and less to say lately. I know he doesn't want to scare and worry me with things going on over there but still....tell me something! I want to know what is going on with you! If you are having a bad day....TELL ME! You expect me to tell you! I keep feeling like something is going on with him but he wont talk to me! I feel like all our conversations are about me and the kids. I get off the phone saddened that i have learned nothing new about him. Happy to hear his voice but sad because he didn't tell me anything! Maybe all this is brought on by the rain! I don't know! I am just so sad today!

The Pieces of my Heart are Missing You

2007-10-25T10:28:00.000-04:00

Last night i had a bad dream. It was scary. Normally when this happens i wake up shaking and i reach for Jay. He knows the difference when i reach for him because i want to be closer to him and when i reach for him because i had another dream. He will wake up and pull me closer and tell me it was just a dream and he's there to protect me and everything is ok. I woke up this morning though and reached for him and he wasn't there. It just made me so sad. I have these dreams usually about once a month. Sometimes more. This is the first one since he has been gone though. I think it had something to do with us carving jack o lanterns yesterday though because the butcher knife i used to cut the tops off the pumpkins was featured in the dream. But now i'm just so sad because i know it's gonna happen again and he won't be there! I haven't felt so vulnerable since we moved here until now. And i don't want to be alone anymore. But i have to be. Kids are in school and there's just no one here. This is definitely a BAD day! Then when i got the girls up this morning, i was helping Keliah get dressed for school and she was complaining that her teeth felt weird. Turns out she finally got her first loose tooth! She is soooo excited! And it's already really really loose too. So i better go get some cash today so i can play tooth fairy soon. But that made me sad because Jay's not here to see our little one loose her first tooth. Of course i can take pics of it and send them to him. But it's still not the same. He's missing it! So then Kaitlyn was getting dressed. yes, there is more to this morning! Kaitlyn has been telling me for a while that this little boy in her class has a crush on her. Which is fine...she doesn't seem to have the same affection for him. Which is odd, because he is adorable. I can handle one little crush, it's ok. As i was brushing her hair this morning, Keliah was looking out the door watching for the bus. There walking back and forth in front of our house was this little boy's twin brother! He was waiting on Kaitlyn! Now twins.....i don't know that i can handle twins! Especially when they are both so adorable! Thankfully they are not identical and really look nothing alike! Otherwise i'd really be in trouble! So all this was before 8 am and i've pretty much cried off and on since! I just miss him so much today! I want to be able to pick up the phone and call him and say HEY there are twins chasing our daughter. or HEY leelee is finally gonna loose a tooth! But i can't and it makes me so angry sometimes that i can't! I want him to be able to at least have his own internet connection so we can talk longer. But he can't. It's driving me crazy today! Hopefully he'll call or get online later and all will be right with the world again! At least as right as it can be! Thanks to all of you who offer me so much support. Days like this would be impossible without you!

Well...it's Monday....

2007-10-22T12:49:00.000-04:00

Is there really a need to elaborate on that statement? It's Monday...i'm feeling lazy as usual. I did most of my housework yesterday so i didn't have to do it today. That doesnt mean that there is nothing for me to do....trust me there is plenty! But i am just not wanting to do it! I am sitting here yawning thinking i need a nap already! It's almost 2 pm. I need to do my floors and take a shower. The girls and i are going to have to go to Walmart later to pick up a couple things. I need to figure out what is for dinner too. Havent heard from Jay in a few days. Not since after Kaitlyn's accident. He was online to see how she is doing but nothing since. He must be on a mission or something. But that's ok. I'm doing better with limited contact than i was at first. I know he is really busy and things are getting kinda hectic around here sometimes too. So we are ok. Kids and field trips and Halloween and Thanksgiving around the corner and trying to think about Christmas presents already. Getting different things in the house done that need to be done. Like cleaning my room! I really really need to do that! I gotta come up with something to send to Jay for Christmas too. I got some ideas. But that package has to go out in less than a month. It's a little insane. It's definitely time to make some pumpkin bread! I walk outside and i can smell wood burning in other peoples fireplaces. There is a crisp breeze and leaves are changing colors. Definitely feels, smells, and looks like Fall out there. I like that about this time of year but it makes me want to bake! I was going to make some banana nut bread too but i dont think it will ship well. I could still make it though and just give it to people here to eat. I like it but i dont think the kids do. So if other people like it i'll just give it away! So yesterday i went to church and everyone there was talking about honesty in worship. The sunday school lesson was on how God wants you to be honest in your worship because He knows your real heart. We are not to focus on the little things....the stupid little rules we develop because it's "tradition" in our church to do things this way. But to come into His house with a true honest heart for worship and just be open to His word. Then the sermon was about how God knows what is in our hearts better than we do. He knows how we feel and what we think even before we do. He wants our best and nothing less. Of course this is what i got out of it all in between having to deal with kid issues! Keliah threw a screaming fit in the middle of church! Literally SCREAMING! She was making a card for her daddy and this girl who was sitting with us colored on her lady bug and well that just ruined the whole thing! so she felt it necessary to scream about it in the middle of preaching! Kaitlyn just would not give me 2 inches of space. She hangs on me and wants to give me kisses and hold my hand and put her arm around me during church every sunday! She doesn't want to be so close to me at home! What's up with that? I want one foot of space....that's it 12 whole inches that are only mine to sit in every sunday! A foot and a half would be so nice....but i'd take a foot! as long as i was the only person sitting in it! well maybe i should measure my booty...i might need that foot and a half anyway! So now i need to go get that shower i have been putting off and get dressed to do things today! Have a great day! week....whatever!

Murphy's Law and other things

2007-10-18T09:48:00.000-04:00

It is indeed true that if anything is going to go wrong, it will go wrong when the hubby is gone. I know this...yet when something does happen I am still dumbfounded that things like this happen when he's not here because nothing like this ever happens when he is. We are nicknaming Kaitlyn Murphy's Law. (her own idea) Because if anything is going to happen....it's going to happen with her! Last year when Jay was gone to AIT, Kaitlyn's dr finally decided after 2 years of us fighting to have it done, that she needed her tonsils out. Of course....he can't be there! We tried and tried and tried for years to get them to do something for her. Finally though...we change insurance to Tricare...first time she gets sick they can't get them out of her fast enough! So yesterday, the kids get out of school, come home, we are talking about their day. Jay calls from 'over there'. We talk to him a little bit then he says he's getting online so he can send me some pics from what they did all day. So i'm online talking to him when i hear screaming. Kaitlyn was sitting on the rail around the front porch like she is not supposed to do and was going to jump from it to the ground. Her ankle got caught in the bars around it and we ended up at the ER for xrays. They say it's only sprained and she has really bad bruising. I took her to school today. She's eating up the attention from it. Her whole class stopped what they are doing to see if she was ok. Someone will carry her books for her and do everything she needs for her til she's off the crutches. Yeah she's getting plenty of attention now! I hope this does not give her any ideas for the future when she is feeling ignored! Lord knows i do not need to have to take her to the hospital any more for things like this! Other than all this yesterday was a pretty good day. Both the girls had field trips. I went with Kaitlyn to the nature center. We went for a hike in the woods, saw a couple deer and a muskrat. We talked about how seeds are spread to insure new plant growth each year and about how beavers and muskrats can live in the water even when it's freezing and still survive. Very nice day. Keliah and Ashley went to the hospital and the historical society. Keliah said it was so fun, she had a great time and wants to go to the museum again. When we took Kaitlyn to the ER last night Keliah was asking if she could look at the xrays and stuff. She had a great time. Ashley said it was really boring. But they still had a good day. Keliah goes to the nature center in 2 weeks. So we'll see what she does then. Probably the same thing Kaitlyn did yesterday. But it was worth going again. I am hoping for a good day today. Hopefully there will be no further incidents. I am waiting on the clinic on post to call me back with a follow up appointment for kaitlyn's ankle. We already have appointments for physicals first thing in the morning. So who knows what the day will bring! Have a great weekend...not sure i'll blog again in the next couple days. i could surprise you though so keep checking! Talk to you later! Oh and here's a couple pics for ya...

Kaitlyn on her field trip, laughing at me.

this is where Kaitlyn fell. the first opening is where her ankle was caught.

Kaitlyn's ankle all wrapped up.

One of Keliah so she isn't left out!

How do I love thee.....

2007-10-16T08:47:00.000-04:00

I think it's about time i count the ways that I love You, Honey! It's been a while since i have done that. I love you for always being the person i can talk to about anything, for supporting me even when you think i'm crazy, you are the person who brings me joy on my worst days. I love you for being the person who still gives me butterflies when i hear your voice, or hear your name, or seeing you walking toward me. I love you for being there and celebrating with me on the happiest days of my life and for supporting me and holding me close on the saddest days. I love you for the way you run your fingers through my hair in an almost absent minded way while i lay my head in your lap as we watch tv on the couch. I love you for reaching over when i'm just sitting near you and holding my hand....whether anyone is around or not. I love you for the way you leave me notes in my car to surprise me the next time i get in it. I love you for the ways you make me feel like the most important person in the world. I even love you for the way you leave messes for me to clean up....although i may on occassion complain about them....i know you couldn't make it without me. I love you for the many sacrifices you make to provide a good life for our family. I love you for being the sexy man you are. I love you for loving me although there are times i don't love myself...you have a way of making me see the good instead of the bad. I love you for the way you come up behind me in a group of people and wrap your arms around me...i know at that moment that i am safe and nothing can go wrong. I love that feeling of security i have when i'm with you. I love the way you reach for me when you are sleeping that lets me know that you are always there to protect me, it also lets me know that you are thinking of me right at that moment. I love the way your eyes get so serious and so full of emotion all at the same time when you are telling me you love me, and when we have to say goodbye. I love you for so many many many reasons....mostly i love you for just being you. That's all i need to know! Can't wait to see you again! Come Home Soon! I LOVE YOU HONEY!!!

GREAT DAY!!!!

2007-10-11T15:38:00.000-04:00

You just gotta love when you wake up to a fantastic day! When i woke up this morning i was soooooo not ready to get up! It was raining and cold and the kids never want to get up on days like this. But they got up and dressed with no problems today. Good thing #1. After they left...i did not want to go get in the shower. Ashley had stayed at my house last night. We had a self care class to go to this morning and had to leave by 9. So i told her to go take the first shower while i got myself going. While she was in there....my Honey called me! He is getting his Combat Medic Badge! I'm so happy for him. The first thing in my mind was to congratulate him. The second and i mean immediate second was...WAIT! Combat....Medic only given when medic duties are performed in Combat zones! So of course i asked instantly....what happened? He was acting all clueless and was like "what do you mean?" "Honey...for you to get that you had to have done something over there using your medical skills...so what happened?" He said he couldn't tell me over the phone...i understand. But he assured me everyone was ok that he was perfectly fine and to his knowledge there were no serious injuries. So i'm scared for the guys but i'm happy he's getting his badge. That's promotion points there! YAY Honey! But at the same time....he takes care of the hubby's of my friends. So that's scary! Anyway...hearing from him though was good thing #2! Well then i am running late. So after i got dressed and we finally got to the car it was 9:20. Just in time for our mail to run! First off i got a box! I LOVE packages! Turns out though this one is from Becky....from my military wives board that i am addicted to! She sent me a box full of toys! My girls are going crazy! They have already been in my moon sand and have already played with the instant circus. It's the things you put in warm water and the sponge things expand from the capsules to make things. And now they are playing jacks. I fought them off the makeup although i did let Kaitlyn paint her nails. I have taken some pics of the contents...or what i could get from them. I'll share them in a minute! That was good thing #3. THEN i go to open the rest of my mail and i had a check in there! Apparently during the summer when we got the loan from AER, we over payed when we payed them back. We just paid back the total they said we would owe. They must have included interest in that. So since we paid it back like 2 weeks after we got it we didnt' have to pay so much. So they sent me a refund. Couldn't have been better timing. I had $25 in my bank and needed gas in my car and food for my kids. AND i got to use that money to open a local bank account, which was also much needed. Good things #4 and 5! My girls are home from school now and haven't fought at all! They didn't even get mad like they usually do when they saw that Ashley was gone. The blessings in this day just keep piling up! I can honestly say that i have no idea how on days like this that there are Atheist in this world. Today was such a blessed by God day! So i'll be leaving you now. But i'll be including pics from my package as i go! Thank you soooo much Becky! I absolutely LOVE it! The pics are not great. I had to take them with my phone. My camera broke! It's a bead kit to make bracelets. kiddie makeup. glow in the dark bracelets. a flashing tinkerbell bracelet. hot pink playing cards (love those) jacks. bouncy ball. squishy ball. paddle ball. slinky. instant circus. moon sand. body glitter. ALL fantastic things! i'm going to play!

Good days....bad days.....

2007-10-08T12:23:00.000-04:00

Well....many of you know that this past weekend was not a good time for me. It had been a while since i heard from Jay. It was a month since he left. Times were tough. But then he called me! Now all is well again! You know....i have discovered that deployment is a lot like being bipolar! We are happy then sad then happy then severely depressed then jumping for joy. It's CRAZY!!!!! I feel like i need medication just to deal with the roller coaster of emotions! But i'm sure i don't. Well....i think i don't! I don't want to have to take them again! I have been there and done that. I'm hoping to be able to find something that works for me. A friend of mine suggested Yoga. So i'm gonna try it. The actual exercise part of it is supposed to be stress relieving. Not to mention the way it will help to limber up my body, benefitting both me and my honey! LOL I'm excited about it though. Something for me to look forward to. I should be getting some tapes on it next week! YAY!!! This same friend found some on ebay that she has used. She said they were so great for her! So i bid on them and got them for 99 cents! With shipping and handling they cost me $6.66....i was a little freaked out about that! I'm not superstitious....or so i am convincing myself...so it's ok. But for 2 tapes...that's not bad at all! Especially when they are like $20 in the store! Why have i never ebayed before? That is really fun! I could make some money selling stuff on there too! I just may have to look in to that! We have tons of junk around here! anyone want a foozball table? It's solid wood...an antique...the bottom of it is glass...really thick...glass over wood. It's VERY heavy! but i have no room for it! I really need to get rid of it. It's been in our family for about 14 years now. My dad found it at a flea market/antique village in Dallas and bought it. Then made a special trip back to Dallas to pick it up. When he bought it they were visiting some family and in mom's car. So he had to drive back home and get his truck then go back to Dallas. That's 5 hours one way! So he went through some stuff to get it and it's been passed on to me. I LOVE this table and have had so much fun playing it but i have no where to put it! Lets face it...military housing is just not that large! They cover necessities for living...but not extra space! Not to mention it adds a lot of weight on my moving manifests! I'm gonna end up paying next time for having too much weight if we have to move with it again! So now that i have made my sales pitch...i'll move on! Things in my house really are improving. I'll be working as of next month. 3 days a week...exactly what i wanted. The exact days i wanted too! God worked that one out. He knows what he is doing! My hubby, though he misses us and loves us, is enjoying his job. He says it's nice to finally get to work and not just sit around all day. He was sooooo sick of sitting around while he was here. Being a medic there is not a lot to do unless they are in the field. But i get worried when he's actually working because that means someone is hurt. He said no one is hurt in his company and he hasn't had to work in that way...but he's going on missions and actually doing something. So i'm happy that he's making the most of deployment. He said he's doing ok and staying busy. So that's good. I'm going to do my best to continue finding things to keep me busy. I have to so i dont go insane. Surely working will help that! I know it did last year when he was gone! anyway...this is really just a bunch of babble at this point. I have no idea what i am saying! so i'm gonna go! Have a good week!

Blue

2007-10-05T16:56:00.000-04:00

So the words to Leann Rimes song Blue come to mind right now. Sing it with me now...you know you want to...."Blue, oh so lonesome for you. Why can't you be blue over me? Blue, oh so lonesome for you. Tears fill my eyes til I can't see. 3 O'clock in the morning...here am i...sitting here so lonely so lonesome i could cry. Blue, oh so lonesome for you. Why can't you be blue over me?" Actually...he probably is blue over me....he's just busier than i am. And they don't have the MWR phones up and running right now so he can't call. They aren't allowed to have phone cards where they are and we never got a chance to talk about setting up the spawar account. So i either have to wait until they get the phones set up or until he has time and opportunity to get online. Oh God please give him opportunity soon and give me strength til he gets it! I think finally being alone in my house has provided me the opportunity to finally grieve his absence. I haven't gotten the chance to really do that yet. So maybe that's what it is. But i am really missing him right now. We are at our one month mark...in a couple more days that is. Actually it was 4 weeks ago today that he left. The date though was 9-7. so technically we are starting the second month this weekend. I cant believe it's been a month though! This past month has flown by. I just don't think they will all go so fast! Good Lord please let them! I can do this if they all go so fast! I know i can do this anyway. I know i can. I keep telling myself that and i'll soon believe it right! I have a support system...i have friends....i CAN do this. I try so hard to be strong for my kids. But they are hurting too and think they have to be strong for me. Maybe the 3 of us need to just get it all out together and have an old fashioned weepathon one night. We have a 4 day weekend this weekend so who knows. It could happen. Not likely but it could. My girls are like me when it comes to crying. We prefer to be alone and no one know that it's happening. Anyway.....today is just a bad day with all this deployment stuff. OH GREAT!!!! I'm listening to my myspace playlist as i type and When You're Gone just came on! The pieces of my heart really do miss him. The other day our 7 year old said "mommy....that 1/2 my heart is in Iraq sticker is wrong. My whole heart is there. Daddy lives in all of it." I don't have one of those stickers but she saw one. She's so right too. He consumes all of my heart not just a part of it. Maybe i'm just sad right now because it's been a week since i last heard from him. This is the longest we have gone without communication since he left. For the first 3 weeks we talked all the time. On the phone and the computer. So i just miss his voice and knowing things are ok. anyway....enough feeling sorry for myself. I need to cook dinner so we can have wife chat tonight! Talk to you all soon!

Have I mentioned that this is MY house?

2007-10-04T12:48:00.000-04:00

Well.....if i haven't let me tell you now.....this is MY HOUSE!!!! All mine! No one else here! My kids are currently in school. My houseguests have vacated the premises! I can look around and see that although my floor needs to be vaccuumed....there is nothing else here that belongs to anyone but me! well...and jay and the kids! I'm so relaxed and at ease for the first time in ages! It's a fantastic feeling! I am thinking that tonight the girls and i will have burgers and popcorn for dinner and watch movies while we eat. I know burgers and popcorn? interesting combination but that was the first thing that came to me! They will love it! I'm going to wash the blankets that the guests have been using and lay on my couch and do nothing! well...i'm gonna vaccuum this nasty floor first since i can finally get to my vaccuum now! THEN i'm gonna eat lunch and lay on my couch and do nothing! and not feel bad about it! My kids will be home in 2 hours. So i'm gonna enjoy my time! The Deep End of the Ocean is on and i really love this movie. So i'm gonna leave you all now and go watch my movie! Talk to you all again soon, i promise! Have a fabulous day!!!!!! :)

Life is NOT like a box of chocolates!

2007-10-02T13:07:00.000-04:00

Chocolates are sweet. Chocolate is fun. Chocolate makes me happy! Life these days does not. Things are a little better with Kaitlyn. We did finally end up talking the other day. We haven't been fighting so bad the last couple days. Well.....since the bathroom door incident Sunday. I think that finally made her see what her temper is really like. Bedtime is still a nightmare. but i can't have it all right! Today the guy who has been staying with us delpoyed. Kinda strange without him. His wife and baby are still here for a couple more days. She's packing up their stuff now and her dad will be in tomorrow night. They are leaving first thing Thursday morning. So.....the girls and i will be all alone soon! That seems so strange! In some ways i have been looking forward to this day for a month! I've been waiting as patiently as i can for them to get out of my house but then at the same time....it's been nice sometimes to have people around. Although i gotta say....after a week they were getting on my nerves! It'll be nice to have my living room back! It'll be nice to have my house back! Kaitlyn can move back into her own room. I can get all their stuff out of my dining room! I can sit on my couch again because there won't be anyone laying on it all day and night. Especially on the weekends! Ash can come hang out and we won't have anyone to annoy us! It's going to be great to have my house back! But then i won't have anyone to talk to when i can't sleep at night. Of course i also won't have anyone on my computer when i want to be on it! So anyway.....things are going to be changing again this week. I hope that the girls respond well to this change. I think they will because i think they are ready for me to be here for them and no one else around. I think they just need some MOM time! It's been a month this week since Daddy left and we all need some time without other people around. Now if i could just get the money situation straightened out! We are apparently not getting all our allowances because our pay is not really much more than it was when he was here. I am barely making ends meet and i have nothing more to do anything with after paying the bills! This is just crazy! I hate not being able to do anything for my kids. I've tried looking for a job but where we live there isn't anything. Everything is shutting down for the winter. The few stores that stay open all year are cutting back on staff so they aren't hiring. I'll have to drive the 30 miles to find something closer to the base. That's the only area that stays open year round. But if i don't make at least $300 a week...it won't be worth going that far. I'll spend $100 a week just in gas to get there and back! I seriously do think i'm going to have a nervous breakdown! You are right, Becky, deployments really do mess with your mind! This one has not gotten off to the smoothest start and it's driving me nuts now! It may not be so bad right now but the people who have been sponging off us for the past month aren't helping me out so i'm supporting them too and now they are all leaving and i am broke already! We just got paid yesterday! Anyway....thanks for letting me rant! Not like you have a choice! It is my blog after all! So i guess i should say thanks for reading my rant and making it this far! You guys are the best!

What is going on around here!!!!!

2007-09-30T12:13:00.000-04:00

What is going on in my house! This is driving me crazy! I have a 7 year old who thinks she is still a baby. She expects everyone to give her what she wants when she wants it and whines when we don't. If that doesn't work she throws tantrums. Well....she did for a while but she's over that one now. But now i have a 9 year old who thinks it is acceptable to scream at me when things don't go her way. Well of course that sets off my temper and i end up screaming back at her. Naturally that doesn't help anything at all. We end up just screaming and no one ever really hears what the other one says. Drives my blood pressure sky high...she ends up telling me she hates me.....it's awful. I feel like the worse parent in the world at that moment. She feels like the most unloved child at that moment and nothing has been solved at all. We are just continuing to drive a wedge farther between us, until one day we aren't speaking to each other at all. We will one day just be bodies in a house. I know she misses her daddy. I miss my husband. We do tend to take things out on each other. But this is ridiculous. I don't know what else to do. I try to talk to her and we end up fighting. We just got in a HUGE fight! And it was all over the fact that the girls were watching a movie and Keliah passed some gas. Kaitlyn said she stinks and needs to leave the room. But i told Kaitlyn it'll go away soon and she should be the one to leave the room because if Keliah leaves the smell will still be there. So Kailtyn started screaming at me because i was taking Keliah's side! I kept trying to explain to her that i was not taking Keliah's side and tried to get her to see that she was screaming at me but then it just turned in to a huge fight! I don't even know how it gets so bad so fast! It ended with her breaking my bathroom door! I fixed it but i thought i was going to have to replace the door for a bit. It was really awful! To top it all off....my mother in law called me yesterday. I was talking to her about all that is going on and told her i was thinking about calling mental health on base about finding someone that Kaitlyn can talk to about all her emotions since she wont' talk to me. I don't want her on meds, i just want her to have someone to talk to. Well mother in law informed me that taking her there will just cause more problems because they do nothing more than want to put kids on meds and keep them sedated. Well...i'm her mother! I'm the one that would have to give her the meds everyday and i REFUSE to do that. So how can taking her in to talk to someone be so bad if i know i am NOT going to go with meds. I've been on them.....i didn't like the way they made me feel and i am NOT going to do that to my daughter. THEN mother in law tells me that father in laws dad died last week. They purposely didn't tell me so i wouldn't tell Jay. His grandfather died and no one wanted to tell him because they were afraid he'd try to come home. Well...i know he would want to be there for his dad....but he just got where he is....i don't think he'd try to come home. But still.....he had the right to know. So she said she purposely didn't tell me so that way i wouldn't be keeping anything from Jay. I swear people these days must be crazy because only the insane would act this way in my house! Or anywhere else for that matter! Now that i have ranted i guess i'll go! Looks like this is shaping up to be a fun day! (NOT)

nothing like a good laugh!

2007-09-25T10:45:00.000-04:00

I LOVE junk mail tuesday! I just do...i can't help it! Today in my junk mail i got my new Everyday with Rachael Ray magazine! I was laughing out loud so hard at just the advertisements! The first one that got me was on one side was a pringles ad, nothing special didnt even notice it til i saw the other page....it was a plain white page with a blue arrow on it. The arrow was pointing at the pringles ad and it simply said "Over there is a Pringles ad. You can buy them anywhere. Just so you know, anywhere might be more expensive than Walmart so i wouldn't buy them just anywhere." I laughed out loud. THEN it hit me...i want to go to Walmart and buy pringles now! I didn't of course...but the ad worked! I keep on skimming you know....then i come to another ad....a little girl is wearing a sundress made from a paper grocery bag. Now i have some ideas of things to do with paper bags which is why i often get them and save them. BUT NEVER have i dressed my children in one unless we were making things for dress up. What they did was cut the bottom out of the bag, slide it over the little kid, then cut a couple thin strips and duct tape them to the bag for straps. I laughed soooo hard! What is this an ad for you ask? Comcast Cable! What does this poor little girl have to do with Comcast! Nothing at all! But it caught my attention! It was really cute too! So anyway....so far that is all i have run across in here...but i've barely started. This month's issue does have slow cooker recipes in it so i'll have to let you know if i find anything good! Of course...for me to know if they are good....i'll have to actually find the rest of my crock pot! i have the part that plugs in but the actual crock insert part and the lovely glass lid has eluded me since we have moved from AR to NY. It must be where the turntable to my microwave is! The only kitchen box i have NOT unpacked is the one with my fine china in it because i don't have a place to put it. So i guess i'll have to look in there against my better judgement and see what i can find! I know this entire blog was basically pointless......but i feel better just because i wrote it....and after all.....YOU read it! Go ahead laugh...you know you wanna!

How my thoughts flow....

2007-09-24T09:11:00.000-04:00

It's interesting how my thoughts flow. Maybe not so interesting to you...but to me it is truly fascinating. All day yesterday i was thinking about this blog i am currently writing. I was trying to find just the right angle to tell you about yesterday's sermon at church combined with some other things....suddenly it hit me this morning that none of those thoughts are going to work for me. Nothing is falling place and well....i just don't HAVE to blog about that. The sermon was the last in the series of the Life Changing Power of Jesus. Why do we refer people to therapists and counselors and doctors for their addictions and marital problems and other issues when all they really need is the life changing power of Jesus. He's all any of us need to help us through ANY given situation. Been there....with some major issues.....and here i am still happily married (happier than ever) and going strong.....why because i turned to Jesus not doctors. I have to admit I did seek therapy too....from my pastor who pointed me to Jesus. We also talked yesterday about why Jesus was at the wedding where his first of many miracles occurred. For one...because He believes in and endorses marriage. He may have been a family member of the bridegroom...no proof of that but it is believed by some to be true......but still....why was he at this particular wedding? Also why did Mary tell Jesus when they were out of wine? He was only a guest here....it wasn't his party! Why did it matter to him? He even told her it was not his time. But did Mary just leave it alone....NO she told the servants to just simply do what Jesus said. No questions, just do what he tells you. Here Mary has set a couple HUGE examples for us....when there was a problem, even though it wasn't his problem....Mary turned to Jesus to solve it....when he said why are you coming to me with this she simply tells the servants to do what he says. She's showing us that Jesus is the one to turn to with any problem and he is the answer to all our problems. Not always in a way we expect him to be but he is always the answer. We just have to know how to hear the answers we seek. This reminds me of a story which is where i have been heading this whole time......There is a man talking to God. He whispers "God, speak to me." A meadowlark sang. But the man did not hear. Then the man yelled "God, speak to me!" Thunder rolled across the sky. But the man did not listen. The man looked aroudn and said, "God, let me see you!" And the stars shone brightly. But the man did not notice. And the man shouted "God, show me a miracle!" A life was born. But the man did not know. So, the man cried out in despair, "Touch me God, and let me know you are here!!" God reached down and touched the man. But the man brushed the butterfly away and walked on. All these times...God answered his prayers. Not in the way he expected but they were each answered. The man just never noticed because he was so set in what he wanted instead of truly seeking the answer. Sometimes we get soooo focused on how we want God to answer our prayers we fail to see the answer right in front of us. We actually get so bold as to tell God HOW to answer our prayers for us! What are we thinking? Have you found yourself praying things like "God....i need some help in this situation. I am short on money this month. Please just let me go to the mailbox tomorrow and find a check for......" Instead God tells us....if you will quit this habit or if you will do this you will have your money. Not what we want to hear but it is the solution to the problem. So do we listen or do we continue in our ways and fret over the money? I can tell you from experience i have fretted and fretted. Until i actually have turned it all over to God. Did what he wanted. Then discovered after a month of fretting that God's way was the right way and i just didn't listen! but he didn't give up on me! So glad He never gives up on me! So this blog went a whole other direction from how it was going to go when i started it today! After all my thoughts and all my planning....i had no control over my thinking anyway. So i hope and pray that these words are some that someone needed to hear since i have no idea what all i just said! This one was all God....not me! Have a happy Monday!

Can he come home now?

2007-09-22T21:47:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling very sad tonight. It's been 15 days now since he left. I'm just feeling very alone at the moment. A houseful of people here but i feel so alone. It's strange. I dont know why it hit me so hard just a couple hours ago. Maybe it was because we had chicken n cheese taquitos for dinner and he loves those. Maybe it is because i have been getting calls every couple hours from an unknown number but when i answer the call disconnects. So i don't know if it's him trying to contact me or just a wrong number. Maybe it's because when i talked to him yesterday he was not going to be able to call for a while from what he had been told. Maybe it's just because he's my husband and best friend and i just miss him more than words can say! I went to the store today and found myself just reading cards! I was looking for something to send him but i ended up not buying anything because i can't mail it for another week! But i did find some good prospects for when i can send one. I'm not ready to have one laying here all addressed and waiting if i can't send it yet. So i'll buy it later. I'm working on getting some ideas and things together for his first package. I haven't even started buying stuff yet. I just can't have it all sitting here yet. so far i know he wants more sunscreen and chapstick, some desitin, and some wasabi and soy almonds. I got him so addicted to those almonds this summer! They are the best! But i can only find them at the commissary! And only in small cans so i guess i'll have to buy a bunch of them! We can each eat a whole small can in one sitting! Man they are good! I know i'm going on and on about some almonds but seriously try them! Since he loves sushi so much, this is the best i can do....can't very well send him sushi! but i can send him the wasabi and soy! He has also asked for books and movies. Any suggestions? He's not much of a reader but i know some guys over there with him that are. So i just need some good ideas of "guy" books to send! Anyway....i'm just feeling pretty down tonight so i thought i'd do some writing here. There is really no way to put it other than deployment just sucks! That's it plain and simple! I hate not having him here to look at and to talk to and to smell and to watch tv with and to laugh with and to go shopping with and to lay on! I've been doing really good lately about focusing on the good instead of the bad but right now i just wanna be sad! Is that allowed? Am i being a bad wife because i wanna be sad? I feel like i am. I feel like i am letting him down because i want to be sad right now. I know he misses us and he would rather be here and he loves us as much as we love him. But is he ever able to just be sad about it? I try to be strong all the time and it's so exhausting. I just want to send the kids to bed and be sad! They need to be in bed anyway! Look at the time! WOW! I guess i better go drag them out of the bath that it took me an hour to get them in and send them to bed now! I'll write some more after i go to church tomorrow! Night all! I'm ok, really i am....just needed to let out some sadness! don't worry about me though...i'm really going to be fine! I know you Steph...don't get all teary eyed reading this! I know you wish you could be here with me. You are here in spirit and on my phone. I'll talk to you later! If it was really really terrible you know i'd call you! Love ya!

Here Without You

2007-09-20T17:17:00.000-04:00

Instead of typing a long blog today....i made a video. It's just pics of our family with the song Here Without You. I sent it to Jay and to my mom. It's also on my myspace. I miss him a lot today. But i'm feeling good about life in general. I have talked to him online twice today and on the phone twice today....so really i am having a great day! Enjoy our show!

Living Life!!!!

2007-09-17T08:25:00.000-04:00

I'm up and ready to have a fantastic day! I talked to my Honey at 2 this morning. That's always a good way to start the day! I talked to my friend Ashley last night and we are going to start our own business. We are going to make jewelry....primarily patriotic themed. I'll post our website when we have it up and running. Our business is called The Silent Ranks Designs. I'm really looking forward to it! I'm going to get some stuff today to get us ready and she's going to get some supplies to make a few things for us....gotta advertise the product right! Anyway....it's gonna keep us busy with something to do that possibly could make us a little money! We can make stuff when we are hanging out or when we just need something to do but not necessarily all the time, so we can have some free time too! Anyway.....i think it'll be good for us. So i went to church yesterday. Glad i wore my boots too! My feet are sore because of wearing the boots all day and not because of the toe stomping that went on during the service! Believe me....he got me good yesterday! He was talking about the power of Jesus and why we may not be feeling it in our lives like we once did. How sin separates us from God and the lack of true repentance puts a barrier between us. How does this effect me you ask! I'll tell ya! I have habits that are daily habits...things many of us do daily....we all have habits after all. Some of these habits are sinful. I ask for forgiveness but the next day i do the same things anyway. It's like telling God...YES i know you don't like when i do this but i'm gonna do it anyway and you can just forgive me for it. This is what i do and that's what you do. Well....what kind of attitude is that? Would i be totally mad at my kids for that type of attitude? YOU BET I WOULD!!! In fact when they act like that...i get really angry! Then when they want me to do something for them...i get so mad because how dare they treat me with such defiance then expect me to take them out or buy them something! Am i not doing the same thing? Am i not telling God....i'll do things my way and you will do things my way too! Some how is that not just stupid? Then how can i expect my kids to do any better? What kind of spiritual example am i setting for them? In fact, God tells us....really straightforward....if we continue in our sin, he will not hear us. WOW! I tell my girls all the time when they are defying me "I'm not listening to you right now because you are not listening to me. when you get your attitude right, come back and see me." HMMMM.....wonder where i've heard those words before! Could it be that God's telling me the same thing? DUH!!!! Of course he is! I'm telling you yesterday really got to me! God grabbed me by my face so i could totally focus on Him and got in my face on that one! Keliah does that to me...if she feels i am not hearing her she grabs my face and holds it while she gets in my face to tell me something. I'm telling you i could feel God's hands on my cheeks holding me there saying LISTEN TO ME!!! I think it's about time i do that too! It's time to quit the smoking....get my attitude in check....do all these things i know i should be doing and really mean it when i say My life is yours, God, do with me as you will!