Why?

Why is it that some days when my Honey is away, I miss him so much it hurts but other days i'm ok with all this? Why is it that on the days i miss him the most, the phone connection just plain stinks? Why is it that when i'm having one of my days were i'm struggling and just wanna scream, my kids act like heathens and do their best to finish me off? (are they really trying to finish me off, or am i over reacting because i'm already in a mood) Why is it that the Army has to be gone for a year and often over a year at a time, keeping us separated for waaaaayyyyy too long, but other branches are only gone for a few months? Why is it that the military can't see that the extended separations are part of the problem with the divorce rates? Why is it that the military can't see that these separations are part of a lot of problems? Why is it that i seem to think that bringing some things to others attention will actually help? Why is it that i used to write blogs all the time and now i'm doing good to remember to do one a month or every other month? Why is it that isoactive toothpaste feels like shaving cream in your mouth? (seriously it just gets so foamy! but i do love the sensodyne isoactive) Why is it so hard to break a bad habit but so easy to start a new one? Why can't we just wish for something like 3 times in our lifetime and have it instantly come true? (hahaha if we did that, no one would be at war bc all us spouses would wish them home!) Why is it that tv is so full of garbage....so many channels and so little to watch? Why is it that everytime i get my nails done, i only pick pink nail polish? Why is it that i can never think of anything to write about on here but i just filled up an entire entry with Why questions? Crazy stuff isn't it! I have all these random thoughts that just float around in my head and sometimes i just need to get them all out. Most people won't listen to my randomness because it can be overwhelming at times. But then i have some friends who are often totally random too. So they deal with it just fine. anyway....i'm having one of my missing my hubby days today. i want to talk to him. Got to briefly but the phones were just awful today so he said he'd get online. I'm waiting. Last time, he got online like he said he would, he just didn't bother to sign in to his messenger. wonder what's going on this time......it's been almost an hour since i told him i was going to get online and he said he would too. hmmmmmm...........

isn't it curious that......

Today I was at PWoC for bible study time, like i am pretty well every wednesday. We are currently doing a study of the book of Hebrews. If you ever want to do a study on this book, i highly recommend reading Holding Out For A Hero by Lisa Harper. She does a humorous, yet in depth look at Hebrews. She writes in a way that makes me wanna read more. This whole study she has been talking about how Jesus is "better than". He's better than the angels, better than Moses, better than man (absolutely), better than the priests and Levites, better than even the high priests, better than any other sacrifice. Today, we were talking about how He is better than any other sacrifice. We were talking in depth about how animal sacrifices were made and why. also about how the people would just trust that God would supply a sacrifice for them. They didn't have a place where they could just go buy a cow for sacrifice. Then God supplied the ultimate and final sacrifice. all we have to do is trust Him, believe in Him, have faith in Him. Not so hard, certainly not too much to ask. So anyway, in the odd way that my mind works, i got to thinking.......did they have people back in the sacrificial days that protested animal sacrifice? You know how we have PETA today? Did they have people more concerned about the well being of the animals than their own souls like we have today? don't you find it interesting that today we have people all obsessed with the well being of animals, trees, garbage, the planet, and various other things, and not so many people concerned about their own souls? There are people in this world all concerned about everything else in the world but don't care at all about where they will spend eternity. Is that not just the saddest thing ever? Don't get me wrong, i love animals. I certainly wouldn't want to have to hold my hand on a poor cows head and look at it while i'm cutting it in half a sacrifice for the sins that i committed. I'm much happier just knowing that Christ was sent here to this Earth to die for me. He was the sacrifice for me. Awesome! I don't have to do anything about it. I just have faith in Him, believe in Him and there it is.....eternal life in Heaven. i don't have to observe Yom Kippur and go to the temple and remember ALL of my sins for a whole YEAR! I can ask for forgiveness every day no matter where i am or what i'm doing. You know....another thing that crossed my mind.....waaaaay back in Genesis in the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve sinned. They were the first sinners. And what did God do when they sinned......he killed an animal and used it's flesh for clothes to cover Adam and Eve. Would that not be the first animal sacrifice? An animal died because of sin. Hear that PETA people......God himself killed the first animal! God himself set up the whole killing system. and he didn't do it for food. God killed an animal for clothing. He sacrificed an animal's life. Not only that but God himself sees that animals are below humans when it comes to the cycle of life and such. He cares for them, he loves them, but man comes first. So we should be more concerned about fellow men than we are about animals. God says he cares for the birds of the air so why wouldn't he care for us? anyway.....just been thinking about these things today. Thought i'd share.

The Trouble With Deployment is.......

I know you are all dyin to know the answer to that one....the trouble with deployment is.....it's too LONG! Ok so that's only ONE of the many troubles with deployment. LOL I was recently re-reading old blogs and journal entries from the last deployment. It was VERY obvious that i had problem with the lack of communication we were experiencing. That was a very long, very lonely deployment. He was gone about 14 months. We got to talk on the computer a few times a week and about once maybe twice a week on the phone. Now, i realize for some people that's not a lack of communication at all! I know people who literally only spoke to their husbands once a month, if they were fortunate enough to NOT miss his call. They had no computer time or anything. So in comparison, we were good. But for me personally, it was bad. This time, i have NO complaints about a lack of communication...although i could use some today....over all, it's been GREAT! We talk all the time....on the phone, on the computer, posting on FB....we are communicating like crazy. And being silly and serious and just normal. Except that he's 7,000 miles away and i can't see him. I can't hold his hand and i can't look in his eyes. His eyes say so much. I tell him often that i can tell what kind of mood he's in by looking in his eyes. They are so pretty and blue/gray. They show his sadness, happiness, mischievousness, exhaustion, every emotion. I can hear these things in his voice over the phone, but i miss looking in his eyes. I just miss him being here. That's my problem with deployment. It's just too stinking long. I feel like the Army has stolen him and i get him for the occasional long weekend or vacation. Of course, by occasional, i mean every like 4-9 months i get him briefly and then they take him again. Seriously in 3 1/2 years time, the longest period of time i've had him here was 9 months. And even then he was gone to the field and training when needed. I'm just sick of separation. My kids need their Daddy and I need my husband. PLEASE Army, can he come home soon and just be here for a while? He's done excellent work for you guys. He's done his job and done it very well. But he has a job here too. And it's been lacking lately, no thanks to you. I'm doing my best, but i'm one person, i'm certainly no substitute for him. I can do the yard work, pay the bills, do minor repairs. I can take care of the kids, cook meals, buy groceries, take out the trash. I CAN do all these things. HOWEVER, there is a reason we were meant to have a helpmate. There i a reason i have a husband. We are supposed to HELP each other. I honestly don't know how single parents do it. I'm not a single parent, and i don't like living like one. Want to know another problem with deployment? People just dont get it. Unless they have been through it, they don't get it. I often get comments like "I wish my husband would go away for a while". yeah, you might.....but trust me, not like this. There's the ever popular "my husband was on a business trip for like a week and i almost went crazy. i know it's hard" Yep, it's hard! That first week was really difficult. The other 14 months......you have NO idea! it gets harder the longer he's gone. He's tired, i'm tired, the kids are frustrated and we are all just really edgy! (to say the least) Then there's the times we get accused of shutting everyone out and trying to carry the burden alone. Not carrying the burden alone, i assure you. I have friends. I have wonderful friends.....friends who understand. They know when i say "i'm having one of those days" not to ask. Just offer a hug, a cup of coffee, a prayer and move on. They know when i say "could use some prayers right now" that i won't be telling them why and they don't need to know why. I realize i have family and friends who want to help. I realize i have people in my life who just really know nothing about the military. But sometimes i just need my military family. Another thing people don't get is that military people are not rich! Yes, we have healthcare. Not the best healthcare, but we do have healthcare. Yes, we have housing allowances. Trust me, they often barely cover rent or mortgage payments. Rent in military communities tends to be kinda high. Because people know what the housing allowance is and they will charge every dime of it because they know housing is always a necessity. and there is often a shortage of it! So then all the rest of the bills that should have come out of the housing allowance must come out of our pay. Which seriously is not that much! We took a big ole pay cut to go military. but ironically, we are doing better. part of that i think is maturity. part of it is the kids are older n out of diapers n such. part of it is deployment pay. yeah we get a little extra to have him gone for so long. i'd rather have him here. i think people think military people have lots of money because we don't pay for healthcare and we do tend to have newer cars and stuff. Well....let me tell you, it's easy to get a loan when you tell them you are military. They know you aren't getting fired and you just can't quit! Unless something unforeseen should happen, you are bound by contract to keep that job! and most military people i know are seriously in debt because of it. I love my husband, i support his every decision, i believe the Army has been good for us in many ways. but i also know that we are not wealthy, we do not "have it made", and i'd trade what we do have to have him here any day!

Here we go again.....

Why is it that every time in turn on my tv i have to hear the crazy things people are doing in their relationships? By now we should have all heard about former NY Governor Spitzer's affair with the call girl a couple years ago. He resigned as Governor and apparently he and his wife are working it out. But now he says that because the affair was with a call girl and not just anyone there was no emotional connection so it shouldn't have been such a big deal. Well did he ask his wife if it was a big deal? He gave away the one part of their relationship that was ONLY meant for the 2 of them to someone else AND he paid her to take it! Not only that but he went to the same person repeatedly. So how is there no emotional connection? If there were no connection they wouldn't have had conversation and he wouldn't have gone to her so often. He would have "shopped" around. Then I'm watching tv and i hear that there is a celebrity saying she and her husband have an open marriage. Either of them can have sex with another person outside their marriage and as long as they confess to their spouse, its ok. From what i hear, the interview in which this was said will air on Sunday night on the Barbara Walter's Oscar Special. Just so you know, i'm not making it up. I know....it's easy to believe it's made up because seriously how can anyone possibly believe that! I just have to ask.....where have our values gone? I know there are people out there who are having affairs every day. Living in a military community, I know it's a prevalent part of life. I am a wife whose husband had an affair. He used lame excuses and lines like "but i used protection". Like that makes it better! The good thing is that we were able to work through this and are still together and i totally trust him. Not everyone can do that. No way would i still be in this relationship if the affairs continued. Just so you know....they were over by the time i found out. He was completely remorseful. I know i wasn't the wife i was supposed to be during those times too. I know we were both at fault and we both learned from all we went through. It's not an easy thing to overcome. It's not as easy as just saying "well you got that out of your system, lets move on". It takes a lot of faith, prayer, forgiveness, and work. But i've also learned that marriage in general takes a lot of faith, prayer, forgiveness, and work. Even without infidelity in the picture. What part of 'marriage is a convenant that lasts forever' do people not understand? Now i realize there are people who are reading this who have been through infidelity and divorce and specifically divorce as a result of infidelity. But that still doesn't change my opinion on marriage and infidelity. and i'm sure my friends can understand that. I also realize that not everyone who goes through this will work it out with their spouse. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford knows all too well that sometimes people don't work it out. His wife, Jenny, recently left him because of his affairs. She tried to ignore it. But over time it wasn't possible. maybe because he disappeared for several days when he was supposed to be on a business trip and after reappearing disclosed to everyone at a press conference that he was spending a few days with his mistress. I'm sure it was embarassing for Jenny. I can see why she chose to walk. I commend her for standing by him for so many years before this all came to light. And i commend Mrs. Spitzer for standing by her husband. I know she has faced many rude comments from others for trying to be a good wife. I say good for you! If you are both willing to work on the marriage, i wish you all the best. I am a firm believer in God's law. Once we are married it is til death. I know many people see this as unrealistic. After all, my own parents are divorced. There were even years that we encouraged Mom to leave Dad. But for my own life, i don't see this as unrealistic. Who knows what the years will hold.....but i'm hanging on to this. I wish more people in the public eye felt the same way. I really hate seeing things like this on the news and hearing these celebrity comments. Don't they know that young people look up to them? Don't they know they are affecting lives? Don't they know that people will hear that it's ok to sleep around as long as you are honest with your spouse and say "HEY why not"? People of this world would much rather hear what celebrities have to say than hear what God has to say. It's easier to listen to the world. It's easier to go with the flow of the crowd. But in the end, totally not worth it! In the end, so much better to follow the law of God and live right.

Emotions of a Mad Woman

Today is one of those days. Those of you who have been through a deployment know exactly what i mean when i say "one of those days". For the rest of you, all i can say is, you can never really understand it until you've been there. Whether it's your spouse or your child, or just someone you are really VERY close to, there is no real understanding of it until you have been there. I miss my husband every day. He's the love of my life, my best friend, the person i count on when i'm having a bad day or just want to talk, he's the single most important person in my life. He's my #1, the one i put first for anything and everything. Both times he has deployed i have prayed about his leaving and have had peace about it. I have always known God is protecting him. But still when you get those phone calls......something in your heart breaks. Especially when you find out how close he was to what happened. Today has been one of those days. I got an email last night about an incident. I typically can predict when i'm going to get an email or a phone call about something like this because i don't hear from Jay that day. I'm very blessed because my husband has a cell phone over there and we can text and talk every day. I know i'm blessed. We didn't have this luxury last deployment and if you read back through my blogs and my personal journal you will see that lack of communication was very frustrating for me. Of course Jay always says i know when something is wrong anyway because I have ESP. (extra spousal perception) He's the same way when it comes to me. We just have that connection and can feel when the other is hurting in some way, emotionally or physically. Right now i have Kaitlyn home sick. She's been very sick since Tuesday. So when my phone didn't ring yesterday i honestly didn't think much of it. Around 4 in the afternoon it occurred to me that he hadn't called. I had that feeling that something was wrong, but that he was ok, so i just went on with my day. Then last night i got the email. This morning i got a phone call from him. I can't give out details because it is a violation of Operational Security. But i can say there was an IED explosion. Jay was VERY near. So near it knocked him to the ground. He truly doesn't know how he didn't get hit by it. He was so close. There was one injury. severe, but still only one and she was in front of Jay. He may not know how he didn't get hit, but i do. Every day i pray for God to place a shield of protection around my husband. Once again, He has shown me that He hears my prayers. After talking to Jay, I was suddenly hit by the realization that God is the ONLY reason he was able to call me today. There is no logical reason why he wasn't injured. He was RIGHT there. Of course the first thing i did was thank God. I know that was ALL Him. Then I had a short cry over the fact that it was so close. I could have lost him. I truly have much to be thankful for right now. He has had a bad headache since the incident but promises to get looked at if he still has it tomorrow. He has had it checked out since then but they didn't really do anything for him. The severity of the headache does concern me, but i'm gonna stay on him til i am satisfied that they are taking care of him. In all of this though, we have both said that Jay is doing exactly what he was called to do. Even as much as I miss him and wish he was here, there is another person alive today because he did his job well. He was told after all this that his placement of the tourniquet saved her life. They weren't sure she would survive, but she has. They expect her to recover. Except for the loss of her limb, she should be fine. I know that i believe my husband is the best medic in the Army. But i still love to hear when he does his job well and someone is coming home to their family, able to tell their story, because he's so good at what he does. I'm proud of him. I wish he were here, but i know without a doubt that he's where he needs to be. Sorry if this was rambling but there's a lot going on in my brain right now.

Just some thoughts...that's all

Again, it's been a while since i've written anything here. I know there are reasons for it. Reasons that matter? Probably not so much. But reasons none-the-less. I've been a little busy. I had my gallbladder removed 4 weeks ago today. I am feeling a bazillion times better! No more pain, healing is going well, can eat food again...it's a great thing. Catching up around here after being out of commission for a couple weeks is taking much longer than i expected. But then being able to get up and do anything at all took longer than i expected also! Yesterday was Kaitlyn's 12th birthday. That hit me harder than expected too. Now i think i'm adjusting to it and i will enjoy our last year before our teen years. I am doing all i can at the moment to keep us busy around here with Jay gone. We all miss him terribly. Staying busy helps that time go by so much faster. I am also cutting back on my internet time. I just don't feel the need to be online so much any longer. Granted i do have internet on my phone so i do keep up with some things from there. But i don't sit at my computer for hours on end like i used to.....it's really freeing and i get so much done in the day! But i think the main reason that i haven't been writing is, i just don't have the heart for it anymore. I still have many things that i have an opinion on and would like to share that opinion. i just don't have the heart to sit here and write all these things any longer. I originally started this blog as a way for others to follow us through a 15 month deployment and as a way for me to vent my emotional frustration. I feel like i am dealing with all these things much better now than i was when i started this, and i just don't feel the need to write. I am going through my husband being deployed again. I am doing all i can to be Mom of the year to my girls. I am trying to keep my husband spoiled in the manner he is accustomed to, even from 7,000 miles away. I am trying to take care of myself. I am making friends and enjoying the home we have made for ourselves here in Georgia. I am also still doing my volunteer work for CMW. Currently, i am in the process of starting a small study group for christian military wives here in my area. That's a lot of work but it seems to be taking off so far. Might be really small at first but i count on word of mouth, facebook, and other things to spread the word. Some days i feel like my brain has more things in it to remember than i even know about. No wonder i keep losing things like my ID card! and my debit card. and cash. LOL yeah it's been bad lately! So anyway.....i haven't forgotten to write. Just had other things going on and then when i have a moment, this is just not what i want to do. But i will keep this up. I'm not abandoning it. Keep hanging in there with me and you will see more things. I do have something that i wrote for something else that i may copy/paste over here just to share with those who haven't seen it yet. In the meantime.....take care!

Boo!

R&R is over! I hate when it's over. I hate sending him back. I so wish he could get a position where he can stay put for a while. I feel like everyone else's husband gets to be home forever and mine is NEVER here! I'm so so so sick of missing him. I hate this empty feeling that is in my soul until he returns. It physically hurts to have him gone so much. The other day Jay and I were out to lunch, Korean food...soooo good, and there was a tv on in the restaurant. (of course, because where do you go these days and not have a tv on) They were talking about Afghanistan and interviewing people about different things related to it. One military wife said "Deployment is a true test of marriage. It will make a strong marriage stronger and a weaker marriage weaker." I have said this many times to other military wives. Sitting there with Jay though, I made a comment to him about it. His response was simple and so what i have always felt. "I'm so glad we have each other because every deployment is only making us stronger individually and together." Definitely what i needed him to say but so true. I hate having him gone. And i feel bad about whining because he is gone. I spend so much time dwelling on how much i miss him and i think about how much the girls miss him and the tears i deal with after his departure...both mine and theirs. I never really give a lot of thought to how it makes him feel. Both to leave and to see us so sad. Yesterday he left again. I actually took time to think about it. This time was so much harder than anytime before. None of us were ready for his time here to end. It went so fast and there was so much left undone. We had some good times and enjoyed it as much as possible but it just wasn't long enough. I also think knowing the area is so dangerous where he is and has been that sending him back there was so hard. I noticed though that he really didn't wanna go. He left a couple videos on my phone and he seems to have a hard time saying what he wants to say during part of one of them. He kept begging me to not be so sad and to not cry. I know it was breaking his heart to have to go. We talked all afternoon while he was waiting on his flight after he got to Atlanta. I know it was hard for him to go. He really wanted to stay. But he has a job to do. And he has to go to do his job. They need him over there. He kept saying that too. I was doing all i could to find a way to keep him here. LOL But he kept saying he had to go they need him. Well i need him too! but i can see his point so i try to be understanding and i try to hold it together. And i try to remember that God is protecting him and will bring him home to me. And i try to remind myself that none of this is in my hands. And i try so hard to keep the family going and not let the kids or myself forget that he loves us and would so much rather be here with us. OH i just miss his smile and his voice and his touch and just the feeling of happiness and fulfillment when he's here. It was so wonderful while it lasted and we have soooo long to go until we get him again. Aw i miss him so much!