Same old story

As always, it's been a while since I've been here.  It seems as though I just can't find the time to drop in here and update things like I did once upon a time.  When i was a regular at it, i really did enjoy my blogging.  It gives me an outlet for my thoughts and all.  These days I don't feel like i have the time in the day to have a thought or emotion that is all my own.  I haven't had Jay home for so long in one stretch of time since he left for basic training.  Now we are at the 16 1/2 month mark.  Don't get me wrong....it's nice to have him here.  It's wonderful to not have to worry about him being in a war zone somewhere.  It's great to have him here and not sending him packages for the holidays.  It's fabulous to have him here to see all the things the girls are doing instead of me having to tell him about everything.  It's just odd to have him here because I haven't spent this much time with him in 5 years.  I don't know what to do with him sometimes because his ptsd and tbi get the best of him.  He's trying hard to control his temper and learn what sets him off.  And i definitely appreciate it.  It's just some days are so hard.  Some days i want to know why we have to go through all this.  Some days i want to know why our lives had to change so much.  Other days....I'm thankful for all we have been through because it's made us become better people, better spouses, better parents.  This has all made us have to focus on the important things in life. It's always good to focus on the good things.  We've had to learn how to let go of the bad and hold on to the good.  Letting go of the bad is never a bad lesson to learn.   More people should learn to let go of the bad.  More people should learn to laugh at silly things and be goofy with their children.  I can't help but think that if more people learned to find the good in life among all the bad, the world would be a better, less violent place.  Unfortunately, not everyone handles stress, ptsd, tbi, trauma, etc in the same way.  Many people play the blame game and hide behind whatever is bothering them.  Many people try to pretend nothing ever happened to them.  Others sink so far into themselves that they fail to see that bad things happen to us all and they aren't the end of the world.  I had a discussion with a friend this morning about this type of thing.  Specifically, we were talking about post partum depression and how some mom's sink so far in that they just separate from reality and actually harm their kids.  I just can't understand how that happens.  I have had post partum depression.  I can honestly say it does exist.  I just don't understand how someone gets so bad that they just disconnect.  That could just be that I try to find the good in others.  Or it could be that I have God in my life.  I don't know.  I've known Godly people who have gotten severely depressed too.  I just don't know.  There has to be a reason behind why people get that bad, i just don't understand it.

Mixed Emotions

Today, i just don't know how to feel. We found out late last night that Osama Bin Laden has been finally dethroned from his reign of terror. He's dead. While I am happy he's no longer a threat to us....i'm also not sure how to feel. I'm scared for our military. I'm scared for our country. I'm scared for what will happen. I realize that people want to celebrate his death. I find that i can't. I realize that people are happy because it's like we finally have justice for all the events of 9/11. I find that excessive celebrations appear to be Americans gloating and that terrorists who are still out there (and there are many) will want to make us pay. I know that realiation is coming. No one would let their "leader" be taken and not do something in return. I mean, look at our country......we are in Iraq and Afghanistan because terrorists had the nerve to kill thousands of Americans on our own soil so we had to make them pay. Just to put it somewhat bluntly. They can say what they want about "WMDs" or spreading democracy and teaching other nations self sufficiency. But really, they wanted to kill Saddam and Bin Laden. And now they have. And really, what do we know about self sufficiency? We buy all our oil from them when we have our own! We buy cars, toys, food, all kinds of things from other countries when we can make our own. So whatever! I'm just tired of people making others feel bad for having an opinion about the death of Bin Laden. I see that there will be things to come and those things bring fear for me. Other people want to celebrate and be happy. So let them. But don't tell me that i "should" be happy. Or try to explain to me why people are celebrating. I know why they are celebrating. I just can't. I have a right to feel the way i feel. I fear for my friends who are in those countries and will have to face immediate retaliation. I fear for my friends in this country who may have to go back over there sooner than expected. I fear for my husband because we don't know what is to come. You can't tell me not to fear these things. You can't tell me i have to celebrate this tyrants death. Well, you can....but i don't have to listen!

Happy Birthday To Me

Another year older! I look back and can't believe i'm 37 today. It doesn't seem like it's been 19 years since i graduated high school. I can't believe Kaitlyn is already 13 and Keliah will be 11 before I know it. The years are just flying by. But i'm so blessed because i have my girls, i have my hubby (for almost 14 years now), and i have great friends. some that i've known since before i even went to school, some since school, and some new ones that i can't imagine my life without. I'm blessed to have had great influences in my life....family, spiritual, and others. i'm blessed to have a beautiful home and all my needs met. most of all, i'm blessed to have a savior who loves me no matter how badly i may mess up. I find there is no better way to spend my birthday than to count my blessings. I'm not feeling old or anything. I still feel young most days. some days my body rebels and tells me otherwise! there's just a lot of good out there though. no sense in focusing on the bad! i still have a lot of years left in me, God willing.

Separate Lives

There have been times lately that i've been thinking about my Honey and our life together and our lives apart. Thanks to the Army, we have had PLENTY of apart time. In many ways, I find myself feeling like we have been living separate lives together, if that makes sense. Then i wonder, am i the only one who ever feels like the forced separations from the military cause me and my husband to live separate lives? Now i'm wondering if that makes any sense to anyone other than me? Obviously we are living somewhat separate lives, he's been around the world for more than a year at a time, more than once. What i mean, though, is that our lives are so different during these times that it's like our life together isn't there. Yes, we still talk as often as we can. Yes, we are both completely faithful to each other. Yes, we both have the utmost respect and admiration for each other. Yes, we talk about things going on in our lives during these times. But we don't see each other. We don't have those intimate moments that make a marriage what it is. We don't share every thing that we normally would share. Sometimes now that he's back home again i find it difficult to process that we spend soooo many months apart. I find it difficult to process that he shared his daily life with people that i barely know. and i shared my daily life with people that he barely knows. We have stories and jokes and things with friends that are not part of our life together, only individually. In some ways, yes, this is a good thing. After all, too much time together and sharing every little detail of your lives is not always a good thing. You have to have separated interests and friends just for your own sanity right. But then there are times like this weekend. One of my hubby's friends was killed this weekend. He was no longer in the Army. He was living back home and had been out with some friends. Long story short, altercation turned bad, ptsd involved, hubby's friend was killed. Very sad situation. Brought back all kinds of memories for him. They had been in Iraq together for over a year. He needed to talk but it was hard for us to talk about it because i didn't really know this guy. He called some of his friends that did know the guy and they talked and eventually we talked about some stuff too. But it was really hard for him and it just hit home that we really have had separate lives and it's hard to accept that. Then we watched Army Wives last night. In the episode a soldier was killed. Of course it brought back tons of memories for both of us. He's been the soldier on the other end losing friends. I've been the wife on this end going to memorials, making awkward phone calls, trying to deal with the fact that it wasn't my husband, but it was someones husband/son. I made a comment during the show when Roxy and Trevor were on the phone that those phone calls are the worst, they are so awkward and difficult. He looked at me like i was crazy and rolled his eyes. Yeah, i get that it was hard on him being the soldier over there, it was his friend, and he hated have to call home to let me know he was ok when he really wasn't. But he has no idea what it was like for me to be the one trying to talk to him and having no idea what to say. All i wanted was to make it better for him and there was NOTHING i could do that would help that. So yeah, those phone calls were the worst. But again it just drove home the fact that so much of our lives are separate now. We have parts of our lives that the other will never understand. Nothing that i say can make him see what it was like for me and nothing he says can make me see how it was for him. And we have to agree that it was hard on all of us and leave it alone. But in situations like these, leaving it alone is just impossible. Well, thanks for letting me get this all out. I have a dentist appointment. Talk to you later!

Looking Back....

wow that just instantly made me think of Garth Brooks. LOL Looking back, on the memories of the times we shared, beneath the stars above, and for a moment all the world was right.......ok i'll stop that now. I was just looking back over some old blogs. I find that i write about Jay a LOT. LOL he's either deployed or bugging me or i want to make a point about marriage, submission, friendship, or something or i just babble about how much i love him. I was just reading one i wrote back in November of 2007 about treating our husbands like best friends when we refer to them as our best friend. Great read....if you haven't read it go to my archives and take a peek. It got me thinking though......he really is my best friend. With his tbi and ptsd, we have been dealing with a lot lately. There have been moments where i have been feeling rejected bc he is being antisocial or he's so tired and as soon as his head hits the pillow he passes out. Only part of this is the tbi and ptsd affecting him. Part of my reason for feeling rejected is because of a bad hernia surgery he had several months ago (October). He hasn't healed properly from it and is in severe pain every day. And now he feels like he has another hernia starting in the same location. He's having nerve blocks done weekly now to help with the pain, but he says they aren't really working. So as you can expect, this is severely affecting our personal life. And logically i know he's hurting and he's missing that part of our life too. But at this point, emotionally i'm feeling rejected. I have wondered if he would be better off without me. BUT logically i know he'd say no to that question. He's struggling and the LAST thing he needs is for me to tell him that his hard times are making me sad. He needs me to stand beside him and support him and let him know that good times and horrible times, i'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not just his wife, i'm his friend. Yes i will always be there to make sure he has dinner, clean socks, a nice home, but i will also be there to listen when he needs to talk, to hold him when he needs a hug, to encourage him when he needs help, to hold his hand when he needs support, to push him when he needs a shove. Just like i know he'll always be there to do those things for me. We sat here last night after we put the girls to bed and watched the new show Coming Home on Lifetime. Seriously this show has been on for 2 weeks and we've watched both episodes. We both cry through the whole show. But it's giving us a chance to talk about the joys of what we have been through. Like when he surprised me when he came home from R&R early. We were planning to surprise the girls together and instead he got me! LOL i will never forget that moment as long as i live. Deployments are difficult, no doubt. The after effects of deployments are difficult, life changing, challenging. But there are joys in deployment too. We just often forget them. Joys don't have to be big like being surprised with a home coming. They can be things like getting flowers from him when you don't expect them (or even when you do), getting to use the web cam (especially on christmas morning), long conversations instead of short ones (or just any conversation), i can go on and on but you get the idea. I challenge you to find the joy in the times of separation and difficulty with your best friend.

This too......one day

I have found over the past few months that i never know what each day will bring. Since my husband came home last summer, we have noticed that each day is something new. Some days are wonderful, easy, natural. Some days are more difficult, headachy, strained. Some days are just down right bad, trial after trial, can't wait for the end. See....my husband has PTSD. He also has mild traumatic brain injury. One of these can be difficult enough. Combine the 2 and sometimes it's like waiting for a bomb to go off in your own home.....the place you are supposed to feel safe, secure, relaxed. Add in the fact that i also have a mild tbi situation due to so many knocks to the head in the past few years. Each one of his deployments i have somehow managed to hit my head (in the same spot, no less) and end up with a concussion. The first of them in January 2008 was so bad, i saw a neurologist for more than a year....honestly, should still be seeing one. So when hubby's having one of his bad days, and i'm having one of my bad days, well, you can imagine. I feel for our kids. They are 13 and 10 now and they have a lot to deal with on an average day. Some days i just wish they could be normal kids and i do all i can to allow them that time. I'm also going to school full time. I'm trying to finish my nursing degree. Seriously tons of work, but so fulfilling...just what i needed in my life. I am totally happy being wife and mom and all but i have a need for knowledge and going to school is filling that void. But it also has a tendency to make me cranky. And my house has a tendency to get a bit messy bc i need to study so often. (should be cleaning now, but i had a need to get all this out) This leaves a lot on the girls. I know kids should have chores. They need to learn responsibility. And they are doing so good. Of course they have their moments.....we all do, right. But over all they are such good kids and i am so thankful for them. There is one poem that i tend to turn to on those days that i just can't take any more. My mom introduced me to Helen Steiner Rice many many years ago. Way back before you could find her writings on greeting cards. Back when you had to go to a bookstore to find one of her books of poetry. She has some wonderful writings for every occasion. One of my favorites has always been this poem. I have it printed out and hung in a spot where i can read it anytime i just need some words to help me through.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

If I can endure for this minute

Whatever is happening to me,

No matter how heavy my heart is

Or how dark the moment may be

If I can remain calm and quiet

With all the world crashing about me,

Secure in the knowledge God loves me

When everyone else seems to doubt me

If I can but keep on believing

What I know in my heart to be true,

That darkness will fade with the morning

And that this will pass away, too

Then nothing in life can defeat me

For as long as this knowledge remains,

I can suffer whatever is happening

For I know God will break all of the chains

That are binding me tight in the darkness

And trying to fill me with fear,

For there is no night without dawning

And I know that my morning is near.

I just find this poem to be a great reminder that no matter what is going on in our lives, we have God on our side. He is our refuge, our strength, our ever present help in times of trouble. We have nothing to fear with Him on our side. Some days i need more reminding of this than others. But it's always true.

has it been this long? with tbi and ptsd and school and.....who knew?!

WOW! seriously, i have been away for nearly a year. kinda hard to believe. soooooo much has happened in that year. We have celebrated another anniversary....making it lucky number 13. He came home from another deployment. We have made new friends, watched friends move away to other lifes that the Army is forcing on them....lol. We have watched our kids each celebrate another birthday. He has celebrated another birthday. We are quickly closing in on another one for me. I have started school again. And we have seen the effects of war first hand. It's hard some days and some days are totally normal. I will do another entire blog on that subject. So much there to say! Let me organize all my thoughts on that one and i'll get back to you. For now i just wanted to say that i'm sorry for being away so long. We are doing well, staying very busy, and always thankful for each new day together. I will talk to you all soon. I miss my blogging and i need to get back to this outlet. Especially with all the stress going on these days. LOL Have a great day! Don't forget to come check back in with me! I will be back.