Where does the time go?

When i started typing this blog, it was a way to get out my frustrations with this deployment, as well as a way for others to follow me through it all. You know, just give everyone a peek into the life of my family as we deal with less than perfect circumstances. What i have found through the past 6 months is that what started as something absolutely miserable and awful has become a way for me to become a better person and my family to become stronger. I have to learn to become the mom my kids need me to be. It's taken some serious struggling and fighting and really bad days, but things are improving with them. Jay and I have never been a fighting couple. We talk about things that are bothering us, and we try really hard to be open about everything without fighting. That's not to say we have never had problems. We have been to the absolute rock bottom and back. Seriously, you name it, we have been there. But we have stuck together. We have used the separations the Army has provided us as a way to build on our foundation and make our marriage stronger. We take those phone calls that are so precious to say the things we need to say. We write the letters and emails and say the things we never say. So while deployment completely sucks, it isn't the worst thing to ever happen to us. I feel more loved by him right now and i am more secure in my relationship with him right now than i have been at different times in my marriage when he was right beside me. I realize that while i miss him so much, deployment doesn't have to be the worst thing to happen to my life. I don't have to let myself be miserable. It's my decision every morning when i get up to be happy today or sad today. If i am happy, i usually have a better day all around. It's when i am sad that things tend to be just awful all around me. My kids give me a hard time and it just seems like everyone is out to get me. Of course that doesn't mean that all my happy days are just blissfully perfect. They certainly are not. We have rough patches while still maintaining happiness. And sometimes happy days end up being sad days for one reason or another. I have been deciding more and more lately to be happy. And it's impacting my family for the better a little more every day. My kids are happier. Jay cheers up more when i talk to him. I'm not surviving deployment for me, i'm doing it for Jay and for the girls. It's hard to be the strong one. I certainly can't be the strong one on my own. I depend on God to give me strength. I pray almost constantly in one way or another all day every day. Little prayers, long prayers, prayers on my knees, prayers with my face turned toward heaven, prayers crying out loud to God, prayers brief and silent. Just always asking for guidance for strength for help getting through my day. Deployment is never easy on anyone. But with lots of prayer and attitude adjusting, i can choose to make it manageable.