The Holidays and Deployment UGH

As i sit here thinking about what to write this time, i'm struck with sadness. I am missing my family and my husband and my friends back home. Don't get me wrong, i love my friends here and i can talk to my family any time i want and i know my husband would be here if he could. In fact he will be soon, it's almost time for R&R. But as we get into this holiday season, i think about all we are missing with our families and all the things we haven't been a part of for the past several years. I love our life. I really do. But it certainly does make you appreciate the things you are missing from your childhood. We have started our own traditions with our girls and I feel like we are teaching them that even when you can't be with your whole family you can still enjoy the holidays. We are teaching them that Christmas is not about presents and traditions. Christmas is about celebrating the birth of our Lord. And family is not just the people you are related to by blood and marriage. Family is what you make it. We have family every where we are because we are blessed with good friends. These are important lessons for our children to learn....especially in our military nomad-like lifestyle. I am not teaching them anything by moping around on holidays. But i am feeling a sense of sadness this year. Not like i usually do. We are closer to home now than we have been before. So i'd love to be home. I knew it wasn't possible when we were in NY but now it could be. Also, Jay is deployed AGAIN. And my cousin who lives near us here in GA is deploying between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was really looking forward to spending the holidays with at least this part of the family. Cant have it all though and there is always next year. I know Jay will be home by then and my cousin should be home. I have faith that God is protecting them both so they will be home. God tells us in Joshua that he is with us where ever we are. Not only that but he commands us to be strong and courageous. He doesn't want us to be afraid. He is there and He is protecting us. He provides for the birds of the air and He will provide for us. He fed Elijah bread and water during the famine. He will feed us too. He calls us his children and He is our father. He will not leave us nor forsake us. I have faith that he is protecting my husband because he says he is. I also believe God has a plan for our lives and He is not nearly finished with us yet!

Why?

That's an interesting question don't ya think? People ask it so often and never really know what, if any, answer they will get. But they still ask. Why am i feeling so selfish lately? Why am i feeling like the world is falling apart? Why do bad things happen to me? Over and over again. All i can say is sometimes we feel selfish because we spend so much time doing for others that we NEED to do for ourselves. We feel like maybe all our work is being overlooked and we need someone to focus on us for a change. I know as a wife, mom, friend, daughter, sister, etc.....i have recently been feeling this way. I do everything for my husband. Most of my friends say i do too much for him. But i do these things because i love him and acts of service mean so much to me, that's how i show him i love him. Trust me, these things mean a lot to him too. That's why he's often telling me how wonderful he thinks i am. I do so much for my kids....after all they are still kids. They need me, sometimes. HAHA. I try to be there for my friends as often as i can. I spend time with them, listen to them, go places with them, support them, laugh with them...whatever they need. I listen to my parents. They are pretty far away from me now so i can't do so much for them but i can listen and support emotionally. I listen to my brother and sister. Like my parents, they are far away but i listen to them. I try and support them in anyway i can. It can be exhausting. So yeah, i feel selfish sometimes and i just want time for me to take care of me, to do things for me, to make myself smile. As far as feeling like the world is falling apart, it could be many things. Not taking time for yourself and feeling overwhelmed, feeling stressed, needing some quiet time. For me, i feel my world is not whole and not together when Jay is gone. i miss him like crazy. I miss all the little things. it's the same thing every time he is gone. I just wanna have him home. So the world feels upside down. why do bad things happen to me? Things just happen. No one, especially God, is punishing us. Sometimes bad things happen. Instead of getting angry and blaming everyone around you, figure out what happened starting with you. Chances are there is something in your life that you need to get right. Did you do something to another person? Is that the root of the problem? Can you go to the person and make things right? We are instructed biblically actually when we do something to another person we are to go to them and make it right. We are also instructed to go to a person who has wronged us and try to make it right. If they are not willing, take someone else with us, and try again. If they are not willing, still, keep praying for them. And keep praying for God to open your eyes to something you may have done that you are overlooking and for God to open your eyes to something else you can do. Also remember, sometimes things just aren't as bad as they seem. They are just different from what we have been used to. God uses the times we are hurting and sad to help us grow in him. We are able to use this time to show him glory by leaning on him. We turn to him and find strength, peace, comfort. We can show others that by turning to God we can get through the bad times. He wants us to turn to him. He wants to comfort us and give us strength and peace. He never leaves us nor forsakes us. He is the One and Only, King of Kings, Prince of Peace. He is the one you can always count on. and he knows why.

Just another surreal Saturday

Well....we have made it a whole month into this deployment. Things are amazingly going well for us. The girls have their moments but they are just moments. They aren't DAYS. A huge blessing after the issues we had during the last deployment. I am doing well this time too. I'm really trying to focus on me and taking care of myself. I rarely take time to do that. So this deployment seemed like a good chance to really do something that i have been needing to do for a long time. So far i have lost about 7-8 pounds. Not bad in a few weeks time. I've been going to the gym several days a week and then also doing some ab work at home when i'm not in the gym. I've completely rehauled our kitchen. I'm trying not only to eat better for myself but also to teach my girls proper eating habits. They are responding MUCH better than i expected them to....especially Kaitlyn. I've been really concerned about not only what she eats but the quantities she consumes. We are all learning portion sizes and good choices but also not depriving ourselves. Sometimes a taste of something yummy is enough to satisfy our desire. We don't need a big piece of cake when a small one or a couple bites will do. It's going really well so far and i truly hope we can continue to stick to it. I am really enjoying having Tammy living next door. I probably spend WAY more time with her than i should actually. But we have been having so much fun. Honestly all we ever do is sit on her front porch and talk or play on our computers or listen to music. We go to the gym and we run all our errands together. Thats it! But it's great to have someone fun to do the mundane with....ya know. I am also feeling VERY spoiled during this deployment....so far. Jay has his own phone over there and calls me all the time. I have even called him a few times. I text him all the time and he has even been known to text back. I miss having him here to touch and to see his elusive smile. But talking to him so often makes everything so much better. Today is just a lazy, sometimes rainy, sometimes sunny Saturday. The girls have a friend over and they are just watching tv. I'm laying on my bed watching chick flicks and typing here and there. It's kinda nice.

A Little of This, A Little of That

Things are going pretty well here. Nothing bad that i can honestly report. The girls seem to be adjusting much better to this deployment than they did to the last one. We have each had our moments where we wanted to just throw a tantrum because we missed him and he wasn't calling. But overall we are all doing well. Thankfully, i have Tammy next door to spend all my time with.....literally all my time! LOL We have started Weight Watchers, so we go to meetings every Thursday morning. We have also been going to the gym a couple times a week. I am really enjoying going to the gym. I think i may add at least one more day a week to that schedule. I've never enjoyed working out. But i guess my heart is really in it this time. I am eating better and i just have so much more energy. So i've noticed that going to the gym just increases how much better i am feeling and how much more energy i have. I don't know how many of you know this....but i have an eating disorder. I can look at food, even my favorites.....ok not taco's.......and convince myself that it will taste horrible and will hurt me to eat it. So i do good on an average day to consume more than 500 calories. My dr told me and a nutritionist told me that's barely 1/3 of what a person should eat for survival. The average person eats 2000 calories a day. People who are watching what they eat usually stay around 1500. So going to Weight Watchers has been a challenge for me. They insist you eat! and i mean really eat! Several times a day you should have something. This has been a struggle for me. But i have noticed now that i have done it for a week, that i am feeling better. My moods are improving. My energy is increased. I can survive on less sleep. I can actually FALL asleep. AND i lost 2.6 pounds in the first week! Apparently after only one week, my metabolism is getting the boost that it so desperately needed. I can't wait to see what happens from here on out. It can only improve, right. Well that's my hope anyway. So although i don't get to talk to Jay very often....i am trying really hard to make some improvements for myself and make the best of this deployment too. We are planning to take an awesome vacation on his R&R and i wanna surprise him by looking AMAZING when he sees me again! He has called several times. Most recently last night. They are still not at their FOB and are doing some training things. So no missions or anything yet. He's senior medic though this time so i don't know how often he'll actually have to go out on missions anyway. Which, of course i love! but he says he'll probably be pretty bored compared to last time. He's been gone about 2.5 weeks now and he's starting to sound tired already. Most of the time he sounds good. Maybe it was just because he was calling me at 545 am his time! LOL I think that's pretty much all my update for now. I have some other blog topics i am working on, but nothing ready for another intense blog just yet. Stay tuned!

Ugh Deployment!

So as many of you know, we have begun another deployment. And yeah, i know, he JUST got home! He was home 9 months and 6 days to be exact. But his unit needed him. So the job must go on. Such is Army life. He's been gone a week now actually. So far the girls and i have adjusted fairly well. Much better than i expected. It was super hard to tell him goodbye again. That part hurt so much. But after that we have quickly gone back to a new routine. It helps that we have school starting back this week. Gives us something to work toward. and will definitely help us to stay busy! Since he has been gone though, lots has been going on here! The day after he left, Keliah learned to ride her bike. She just took it out to the culdesac and climbed on and took off! We took pics and video so Daddy could see. Thursday the ceiling in the hall started pouring water, turns out there is a problem with the AC unit that is in the attic. It is under control for now, but will have to be fixed. Thursday i started feeling ill. The girls also had a friend over that night. So Friday was fun! We went out and ran some errands, did a little this and that. Then the girls stayed the night at their friends house. Meanwhile i was feeling worse. Saturday we had a yard sale at my friends house. I didnt do too well at it. but maybe next time. By Saturday night was really not feeling well at all! So Sunday i was so sick, i just laid around all day. Monday i was feeling better and we ran some errands and got out of the house. So now here we are up to Tuesday again and we have to get some more things done around here. I also just found out that the girls friend has lice and since they were with her all weekend, i need to check them for it too. Dear Lord, please don't let them have it!!! I'm so not wanting to deal with this right now. But if they do, we will get it taken care of! It feels like he has been gone for so long! I miss him so much. Seems like everytime he leaves things start to fall apart around here. I know he's the glue that holds me together but apparently he's like that for the whole house. Today just feels like a really bad day around here. I'm extremely moody. I'm missing him more today than i have so far. Which is a LOT because i really miss him when i'm sick! Why do we have to go through these things? Why do we have to deal with this? I know it's his job and i know that we knew it was part of this lifestyle and we knew it was coming but does that mean i have to like it? NO! Most of the time, i am ok. We all deal with it just fine. But today is just not one of those days. Maybe it will get better. who knows!

Are you proud to be an American?

With all honesty, i can say I am Proud to be an American. I love that my husband is a soldier and fights for our freedom. Even though he has to be away from us WAY too much! He's doing it so that terrorists won't take over our country and to help those countries who have been under terroristic rule for so long to become free. It drives me insane when people say this war is all about oil. Get a newspaper, read up on things people, it has nothing to do with oil. Better yet, talk to a soldier, get the real story on what's going on over there, the media tells you only what they want to tell you. Unfortunately though that country does control a large portion of the crude oil so we get punished for everything by having high gas prices. Prices though that while a little ridiculous, i'll still pay knowing what my husband is doing. Knowing all the GOOD things he did while he was in Iraq. Knowing he helped those people in that village on the other side of the world and didn't take a single life while doing it. I'm even more proud when i think back and remember that my Dad did the same during his time, my Grandpa did the same in his time, many of my uncles and cousins have done the same. Our country has a LONG history of going to war to protect our freedoms and to HELP not hurt those in other countries who are being oppressed. And yet we still have those who feel that our country should just mind it's own business and stop the fighting....fighting that we did NOT start! But was forced upon us. Yes, our country has it's own troubles. Recession sends everything and everyone into a tail spin. We have drug problems and health problems. We have bad things that happen and are part of our every day lives. But we are still free, not under someone else's thumb all day. We can go to school, even if we are female. We can have a job of any kind, as long as we are qualified for it! We can go shopping, out to eat, fishing, hunting, pretty well anything we want to do anytime we want to do it. And we can worship freely, any religion we choose, any time we choose. Women....we can walk outside in shorts and tank tops, without our faces covered. We can kick our feet up on a table while having a conversation with others because showing someone the soles of our feet is not insulting. We are just relaxing while having a chat. Nothing at all wrong with that! I love the freedom of having wonderful neighbors that i can invite over for a bbq on a whim. I love having a wonderful husband that i can freely and openly walk around with while holding his hand. I love having two daughters that i can teach about our nation and our freedoms and i can openly teach them about God and love and all the things they need to know. I can take them out in public and enjoy having kids. We can play in parks and go swimming and doing lots of fun things. and i can teach them that women in other countries can't do these things. So we are doubly blessed to be American AND women! So on this Independence day, enjoy your bbq, your hot dogs and burgers, your friends, your family, and remember that you have all these things because of the soldiers who were willing to fight so far from their families to keep our country free. When you hear The Star Spangled Banner and you look at the flag waving in the breeze don't be afraid to shed a tear or two. It's perfectly ok and you won't be the only one....i can promise you!

Still Growing......Am I?

I was asked about a year ago to read and write a review of the Still Growing.....An Autobiography by Kirk Cameron. On the surface, most people who have seen this book have commented that they don't think they will read it or that it seemed kinda crazy for an actor so young to write such a book. I was intrigued because (1) I had such a crush on this guy when i was younger (2) he has become a good man and i wanted to know what happened in his life to make him the man he is and (3) i'll admit it, i like to read about the lives of celebreties, in particular those who were child stars and then after their shows were over, seemingly disappeared. Although Kirk Cameron never really disappeared, he just switched from mainstream Hollywood to the very limited Christian Hollywood, if you will. He even says in his book that he was once told of all the religions to pick in Hollywood he picked the most unaccepted. Well....that'd be because he didn't pick a "religion"....he chose God. An amazing thing to do considering the status he had at the time. You really have to read the book to understand how he got to this point and why it was such a difficult thing for him. Honestly, read the book anyway....it was a good read, a quick read (even if it did take me a year to do it.....i had circumstances beyond my control). The book can seriously be read in a day or two. It's short, but worth the read, in my opinion. It will never be regarded as great literature, but it is really worth the read. Anyway.....back to the topic at hand. We all know Kirk was a child actor. We saw him grow up on Growing Pains before our eyes. His character was funny and charming and a wonderful goofball. The child off the camera though was nothing like that. He came from a loving, family oriented home. The only boy with 3 younger sisters, caring, attentive parents who were always there for him. But he was shy. He hated the fame that came with acting. He didn't like that everyone thought he WAS Mike Seaver and approached him in public no matter what he was doing. He felt awkward as a pre-teen and teen going through puberty so publicly. He was raised in a house who believed in morality but not necessarily in Christianity. They believed in not drinking, smoking or doing drugs. They believed in not having sex before marriage and all the other things that good people believed in. They just didn't go to church. Kirk's father didn't want to mold his children's minds religiously, instead he wanted them to find their own way. It wasn't a bad way to grow up generally speaking. He had lots of friends from his neighborhood, a great family, and a dream job. But when he was 17 he couldn't help but think something was missing in his life, something big! He was seeing this girl who invited him to go to church with her family. Instead of saying no, like he considered doing, he went. This one thing gave him things to think about that would change his life! He had always considered himself an atheist. Thinking about God was just odd. He began to ask himself questions. Ultimately, he realized that God does in fact exist and he was missing out! From that moment on life took a new turn for him. He refused to do anything on camera that would not reflect well on his new found Christianity. Amazing for a young man on a hit tv show. Especially for someone of such a young age. Since that time he has married a wonderful woman. They have adopted 4 kids and had 2 more of their own. He has done movies such as the Left Behind series and Fireproof. He has programs running on major Christian networks. He really works hard to make sure God comes first in his life. Toward the end of his book, he asks some questions for the reader to consider. Really breaks Christianity down to its basics.......are you a sinner? Absolutely yes i am! Have you broken the 10 Commandments? WHAT? YES...one by one.....have you kept God number one in your life all the time? well.....no. Have you ever used the name of God, who gave you life in a way as to express disgust? well.....yeah i'm sure i have....i know i have. Have you lied? EVER....even once...any kind of lie...they are all the same.....of course i have. have you ever stolen anything? um yeah....taking anything that doesn't belong to you is stealing....it doesn't have to come from a store. Have you ever coveted something your friend or neighbor has? well yeah....i see things and wish i had them. Have you ever had other gods in your life? idolizing anything or anyone other than our one true God........well probably i'm sure there could be something. Have you ever committed murder? see here's the thing.....he is not just talking about taking a life......but God considers hatred the same as murder. So have you ever hated anyone? yeah....i can think of a person or two at the very least. here's a big one.....have you ever committed adultery? not just the act of it.....even lusting after someone other than your spouse.....and this does include premarital sex. um yeah...guilty. Go through each commandment one by one.....ask yourself. For reference go to Exodus 20. Just by my own admissions right there.....I am a lying, theiving, adulterous, murdering, idolizing, slanderous sinner. What would God want with me? Simple......he loves me. He loves me in a way that only a Father can love. He wants me to come to him. He wants my repentance. He wants me to say "Forgive me for these things, i am turning to you and only you. Show me the way to live for you." And the amazing part of that is he sent his ONLY son, his son who was perfect in every way, to die a horrendous death on a cross next to thieves and liars, and he did it all for me. Think of it this way.....if everyone else on Earth was perfect and you were the only sinner.....God would still have sent his son to die for you. He loves you that much. He loves me that much. Overwhelming isn't it! Just when i have things figured out, or so i think, something comes up and grabs me and snatches me back to reality. I will never have it all figured out. God intends to keep me growing everyday, the rest of my life. He has an amazing plan for me, and for you. But we have to keep learning every day. We have to seek him every day. Reading this book was enlightening for me. I needed something to snap me out of my hum drum life, to get me back in the swing of growing. Seeing that someone else who seems to have it more together than me is still growing and learning was just what i needed. Like the old song says..."He's still working on me, to make me what i ought to be, it took him just a week to make the moon and the stars, the sun and the earth, jupiter and mars. How loving and patient he must be, he's still working on me."