30 November 2011

Same old story

As always, it's been a while since I've been here.  It seems as though I just can't find the time to drop in here and update things like I did once upon a time.  When i was a regular at it, i really did enjoy my blogging.  It gives me an outlet for my thoughts and all.  These days I don't feel like i have the time in the day to have a thought or emotion that is all my own.  I haven't had Jay home for so long in one stretch of time since he left for basic training.  Now we are at the 16 1/2 month mark.  Don't get me wrong....it's nice to have him here.  It's wonderful to not have to worry about him being in a war zone somewhere.  It's great to have him here and not sending him packages for the holidays.  It's fabulous to have him here to see all the things the girls are doing instead of me having to tell him about everything.  It's just odd to have him here because I haven't spent this much time with him in 5 years.  I don't know what to do with him sometimes because his ptsd and tbi get the best of him.  He's trying hard to control his temper and learn what sets him off.  And i definitely appreciate it.  It's just some days are so hard.  Some days i want to know why we have to go through all this.  Some days i want to know why our lives had to change so much.  Other days....I'm thankful for all we have been through because it's made us become better people, better spouses, better parents.  This has all made us have to focus on the important things in life. It's always good to focus on the good things.  We've had to learn how to let go of the bad and hold on to the good.  Letting go of the bad is never a bad lesson to learn.   More people should learn to let go of the bad.  More people should learn to laugh at silly things and be goofy with their children.  I can't help but think that if more people learned to find the good in life among all the bad, the world would be a better, less violent place.  Unfortunately, not everyone handles stress, ptsd, tbi, trauma, etc in the same way.  Many people play the blame game and hide behind whatever is bothering them.  Many people try to pretend nothing ever happened to them.  Others sink so far into themselves that they fail to see that bad things happen to us all and they aren't the end of the world.  I had a discussion with a friend this morning about this type of thing.  Specifically, we were talking about post partum depression and how some mom's sink so far in that they just separate from reality and actually harm their kids.  I just can't understand how that happens.  I have had post partum depression.  I can honestly say it does exist.  I just don't understand how someone gets so bad that they just disconnect.  That could just be that I try to find the good in others.  Or it could be that I have God in my life.  I don't know.  I've known Godly people who have gotten severely depressed too.  I just don't know.  There has to be a reason behind why people get that bad, i just don't understand it.

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