Here I Am

I don't know what's gotten into me lately. I just haven't wanted to blog. Not that there isn't anything to blog about. I just don't want to sit and type it all out. Don't want to write it either apparently. My hand written journal hasn't been touched in over a month. I just don't feel like writing. Maybe i don't want to write out all my feelings. Maybe admitting them makes them too real. I just don't know. Maybe it's just that he's been gone for so long and it's all so repetive that even i am sick of me! Maybe I'm sick of feeling guilty for having fun. Or sick of feeling guilty for feeling sad. What am i supposed to feel? What is it ok to feel? Are we allowed to feel scared? I do. I don't like to admit it but i do. I miss him and i am scared for him. Are we allowed to have fun without him? We do. I hate it most of the time...but we do go out and have fun occassionally. We would go crazy if we didn't. Are we allowed to feel sad? Well i do. I know the kids do. You would think after almost 10 months of this we would know the answers to these questions but we don't. Does anyone ever know the answers? Do we ever really know? We find that happy medium i think where we can live with ourselves and get on with our lives by doing the things we have to do and the things we feel we should do. But i'm sick of nothing being the same without my husband. I'm sick of long deployments. I'm sick of wondering if he is ok today. Of worrying that he is eating enough. Of seeing the pics of him and how much weight he has lost and worrying that he is not healthy. Although he says he is working 0ut and eating well and taking care of himself. It's my responsibility to care for him. And he's too far away for me to do that. I think if deployments were only a year long i could do this....but right now those extra months they have tacked on here are killing me! They feel like eternity! It feels like he will never come home! Of course it felt like R&R would never get here too and it did and it was wonderful. So i know the end will come. Eventually. Today is my girls last day of school. FINALLY! I was beginning to think that was NEVER coming too! After today i will have a 3rd grader and a 5th grader! Boy doesn't that make me feel old! Doesn't seem like that long ago they were in Pre-K and 1st grade. And we weren't a military family. Things certainly have a way of changing! Sometimes i miss those days. But then i think of the things we didn't have then we do now and things we were going through then and i'll take now and all we have no matter where we are! Don't worry if you didn't follow that sentence....i did....that's all that really matters. lol Well...i have about 2 hours til my girls get out of school now. I wonder what i can get done in that time. I'll never know if i don't get off here and see! I'll talk to you all again soon! No promises on that one though!