The Pieces of my Heart are Missing You

Last night i had a bad dream. It was scary. Normally when this happens i wake up shaking and i reach for Jay. He knows the difference when i reach for him because i want to be closer to him and when i reach for him because i had another dream. He will wake up and pull me closer and tell me it was just a dream and he's there to protect me and everything is ok. I woke up this morning though and reached for him and he wasn't there. It just made me so sad. I have these dreams usually about once a month. Sometimes more. This is the first one since he has been gone though. I think it had something to do with us carving jack o lanterns yesterday though because the butcher knife i used to cut the tops off the pumpkins was featured in the dream. But now i'm just so sad because i know it's gonna happen again and he won't be there! I haven't felt so vulnerable since we moved here until now. And i don't want to be alone anymore. But i have to be. Kids are in school and there's just no one here. This is definitely a BAD day! Then when i got the girls up this morning, i was helping Keliah get dressed for school and she was complaining that her teeth felt weird. Turns out she finally got her first loose tooth! She is soooo excited! And it's already really really loose too. So i better go get some cash today so i can play tooth fairy soon. But that made me sad because Jay's not here to see our little one loose her first tooth. Of course i can take pics of it and send them to him. But it's still not the same. He's missing it! So then Kaitlyn was getting dressed. yes, there is more to this morning! Kaitlyn has been telling me for a while that this little boy in her class has a crush on her. Which is fine...she doesn't seem to have the same affection for him. Which is odd, because he is adorable. I can handle one little crush, it's ok. As i was brushing her hair this morning, Keliah was looking out the door watching for the bus. There walking back and forth in front of our house was this little boy's twin brother! He was waiting on Kaitlyn! Now twins.....i don't know that i can handle twins! Especially when they are both so adorable! Thankfully they are not identical and really look nothing alike! Otherwise i'd really be in trouble! So all this was before 8 am and i've pretty much cried off and on since! I just miss him so much today! I want to be able to pick up the phone and call him and say HEY there are twins chasing our daughter. or HEY leelee is finally gonna loose a tooth! But i can't and it makes me so angry sometimes that i can't! I want him to be able to at least have his own internet connection so we can talk longer. But he can't. It's driving me crazy today! Hopefully he'll call or get online later and all will be right with the world again! At least as right as it can be! Thanks to all of you who offer me so much support. Days like this would be impossible without you!