Follow up on submission.....

I want to say Thanks to everyone who has commented on my most recent blog. I posted it on myspace too. Not everyone left written comments but i did get some great comments. I have to admit though....i started that blog because i was infuriated at the fact that Huckabee was being bashed for his Christian beliefs. Biblically based Christian beliefs. Still just irritates me to no end that when they have nothing else to pick on they go after a man's faith. As i was saying though....i had other purposes for starting that blog. As i typed though, i found that i NEEDED to say those things. I needed people to know what i had to say about submission. I needed to get my thoughts on it out there for others to know. As i clicked on publish post at the end though i found that i was nervous. Fearful even, of the backlash that such words can bring upon me from others. I prayed that God got his point across in what i said and that people didn't think i was trying to preach at them. So far i've had nothing but good come back to me. But that doesn't mean there isn't evil out there waiting on me. I have to say though that I have been there on the unbelieving end. Even as a Christian i went through a period where i didn't believe submission was important. I thought that meant i was being controlled by my husband and i wanted no part of that. For a long time i didnt even want to get married because of it. Then i met Jay. Marriage wasn't such a bad thing when i looked in his eyes. Submission however? Still didn't want to give him all of me! I didn't mind doing things for him. But he better do for me in return. I faced each day looking at what i HAD to do for him everyday. What he expected of me everyday. I always thought we had a happy marriage, but I wasn't always a happy person. Got news for you...i was wrong about the happy marriage part too! If we had been so happy, would i have ever thought about leaving him? NO. If we had been so happy would he have sought companionship in another? NO! If we had been so happy would he have missed so much with our family? NO. We would have wanted more time together not longed for days when he worked or i worked and we were apart. Granted, i did look forward to his days off so i could spend time with him. I wanted to be happy with him. I wanted us to enjoy each other. And we did have good times together. But after a couple hours he always had something to do that didn't include me. It was painful. I could see us spiraling downward and i couldn't stop it. Finally I reached a point where i couldn't watch the spiral any longer. So i talked to him about it. We layed everything on the table. All our feelings. All our guilt. All our wrongdoings. EVERYTHING! We had a week long no holds barred conversation about anything and everything that we have ever been unhappy about in 9 years! It was a really difficult time. I mean REALLY difficult! The hardest thing i have ever done! EVER!!! And i've kissed him and sent him off to war....but that week was harder! The weeks following were harder. It was AWFUL!!! I sought help through counseling. I didn't want to get angry over what he'd told me. And i wanted to learn to deal with my guilt for all i'd done to him. I wanted to learn to be a better wife. It was through counseling that i learned the real meaning of submission. I learned how to get up everyday and say How can i serve my husband today and show him that i love him? Totally changed my attitude toward him. Everything went from what do i have to do and what does he expect of me to how can i show him what he means to me and what else can i do for him. I discovered that when i started this, his attitude changed too. He responded to my love for him by showing me he loves me in various ways. Even when he was in basic training and ait. I wrote him love letters. I wrote him a whole page on things i love about him. He wrote me love letters. He said all the words i had always wanted to hear. And not just in letters....on the phone too. And when i saw him again after basic training i saw a look in his eyes i hadn't seen in years. Pure love. I'll never forget that look. He has very expressive eyes. I told him that too. That in his eyes i can see everything he is feeling. I see love, happiness, anger, sadness, exhaustion, humor......just everything! I really can't wait to see him again. To see his eyes for the first time again. I long to see that look of "I love you so much. You are the only thing that has gotten me through everything and back here. Thanks for being here" Gives me chills to think of it. I now know what happiness in marriage is. I know how it feels. I cant wait for him to be back home so we can just sit together again. I miss that. But it's really great too while he is gone to continue to build on our love and trust and make our foundation of marriage even stronger! Well....i certainly didn't intend for my blog to go this direction today. I was just going to say Thanks for the positive comments on my last blog and tell you about other things in my life. But guess i just needed to say these things today! Have a great day! Fill you in on other things later!