Deploymones

This is a word i picked up on an Army wife board i go to....it is the most accurate expression of hormonal changes during deployment. Covers stress and just hormones in general, whatever is causing your breakdown at the moment. My deploymones are in overdrive lately. Last night i was writing in my deployment journal that i keep at home for myself and maybe Jay. I will spill my guts in many ways on here but that journal has my deepest thoughts and secrets in it. As i was writing i was thinking though that some of those things i want to put on here too. Because you guys are going through or have been through or will go through them too and you need to know that you are not alone! These thoughts are totally normal. We all get them from time to time. We all have that unexplainable fear, anger, irrational thoughts, hurt feelings, guilt. And so many other emotions. So here are my thoughts....the things that have been keeping me up at night in prayer for my Honey and myself and our kids and the many others out there who are like us. I am scared! YES i said it....i'm scared. But not necessarily for the big reason you may be thinking. Way back when Jay told me he wanted to enlist the "big fear" was my first thought. But i prayed about it and God told me "Do not to worry about tomorrow, support your husband as you know you should, show him your love by believing in him. I will protect him and hold him close to me." So i did what God wanted me to do. And although i do have those irrational thoughts about what do i do if he doesn't come home, i do believe that God is protecting him. He's proved it to me many many times. My fears though are that he's changing. I can tell he's changing. He's already experienced things that i will never know. I will never see. And he's already told me that he doesn't know if he'll ever tell me about them. But he might one day. And i'm ok with that. I know it's hard on him. I'm changing too though. I'm becoming a stronger person and more independent and self sufficient. I'm adjusting to new things and new surroundings and i'm doing it without him. I fear that when he returns we will have both changed in ways that do not coincide with each other. I fear that we will be such different people that we will not know how to get along with each other any longer. We don't fight on the phone. We talk about everything. We are trying to use this time to get closer and really get to know each other as much as we can. But he knows i'm changing and i know he's changing and it feels like right now that he's pulling away in many ways. He hasn't called since New Year's Day. That's not like him. I know he's busy but still...he's been making time until recently. It seems that ever since the incident just before Christmas that things have really changed with him. I feel like he's afraid to talk to me. I know that he knows that i can tell a lot about him by his tone and what he doesn't say. I know him that well. So i feel like he is purposely not calling. And i really need him to. There are things i need to tell him that i haven't yet. Things i need to hear from him because they would help me in many ways. Sometimes we do just need to hear certain words that only he can say just the right way. Coming from anyone else they are nice, but from him they mean so much! I have some anger too. I'm angry that when i need him i can't just call him. I hate that i am angry but i am. Not all the time but still i have my moments where i just want to call up the commander in chief and tell him all about it! I want my husband here and i want to hug him. I want to feel his arms hugging me. I want to feel his breath as he whispers "I love you" in my ear. And sometimes i am very angry that he has to be gone so long! I don't like feeling the hole that his absence leaves in my soul. I don't like when my 7 year old tells me that i don't smile anymore since daddy is gone. It makes me sad and sometimes yes, it makes me angry. I have irrational thoughts. Thoughts of what if something happens to me while he's gone, what if something happens to the kids, what if the house burns down, what if i wreck the car, what if something happens with him? None of which i can really do anything about other than take the same cares and precautions i do every day. But i still think them. I have hurt feelings. Unintentional but still hurt. I hate when he calls but has to go so soon. I hate when he calls but wants to get off the phone so he can call his brother. I get jealous because i don't want to share that time! but i know he should call his family and honestly i wouldn't have it any other way. But i do still want more time with him. I hurt when he hurts. When i know he's been out and has witnessed things he shouldn't have to see and he's hurting because of it...i hurt. I want to fix it for him and i can't. And you know what...i have guilt. I feel guilty when i have a great day. I feel guilty when i can go out to dinner. He can't. I don't know what a great day for him is right now. But i can hug my kids anytime i want. I can go out to dinner. I can hang out with my friends. I can jump in the car and just drive. He can't. He can't do any of those things. And i know it's because of him and the others like him that i can. I'm grateful for that. But i'm also not sure how to truly enjoy these freedoms without him. I try because i know that is what he wants for me and the kids. But you know....it's just so hard. So anyway....now that i got it all out. I really should get on with my day. I have laundry to do! and i should clean out the fridge today. You guys have a good day! Seriously. You need to! We all do!