Try to stay with me here....

Many thoughts and not much room to get them all out so here we go! I've been thinking a lot lately about how much i depend on my husband's phone calls. As the deployment drags on the calls are less and less. I expected that, but that doesn't mean i like it. I got so used to talking to him so often that now when he doesn't call for long periods, it's like psychological torture. I feel so bad! I just don't know what to do about this. I'm trying very hard to remember he will call when he can. But that doesn't stop my mind from wandering. Not that i think that he would be doing anything he shouldn't.....not at all. I just wonder what is going on, what's keeping him so busy, how close to danger is he, etc etc etc. Then of course i hear of something that has happened and I wonder how close was he. I know he was there, i know he treated these people, but how close was he. I don't think i really want to know, but i wonder. So here we are....day 5 since he last called. I've been feeling really sad lately because of this. I talked to him online really early yesterday morning. That's always great but i just so miss his voice. Not as much as i miss his arms. There are no other arms like his. No one could ever take the place of him. The comfort i feel when i hear his voice, the protection i feel when i'm in his arms. I'm so at peace with him. I miss that. I miss it terribly. It hurts that i miss it so much. But is it good to depend on his calls so so much? I feel like i shouldn't be so dependent on him. But i love him. More than anyone else of the face of this earth. Anyway....after my last blog about the dream, he did call. He called about 2 hours after i wrote that. The images of that dream didn't go completely away but they did lessen. I didn't feel the bonds of them any longer. Just hearing he was ok helped me to know it was just a dream and life is moving on. So that was great. Seems like there are so many things i want to get out of my head but right now i am just consumed with missing him. That and why my kids are being so bratty! They are out of school today. We have been at home alone together all weekend. I told them no sleepovers and no friends over this weekend. We have not had a weekend with no extra kids around in MONTHS. So i needed some quiet time. It's been nice. One of Kaitlyn's friends called and asked her to spend the night with her. I left it up to Kaitlyn and she told her friend no. She said we are having family time this weekend and she wasn't going anywhere. That was nice of her. Very unselfish. They have even done their chores this weekend with not much of a problem. I think cabin fever is setting in though because we haven't actually left our home all weekend. They are starting to get a little mouthy with each other. But considering it is late afternoon on the 3rd day of our quiet weekend, i'd say they have done pretty well. As far as other things go.....my sister and her husband have decided to start going to church. Since having their baby in December, they are really making some major changes in their lives. They are both making an effort to change their eating habits, going to church, doing all sorts of things. I'm proud of them for making changes. I pray that they last. And i pray that my brother and his wife would do some things to raise their boys in a better environment. Those poor boys do not deserve the life their mother has created for them. They are so sweet and precious the should have someone who truly loves them and cares for them and puts their needs above her own. My brother works so hard to do all he can to provide for them, but he isn't perfect either. He made some mistakes. He wouldn't have to work so hard now if he had made better choices back then. But he's correcting his mistakes and trying now. As for myself....i was thinking about why it has been so hard for me to loose the weight i want to lose. What keeps holding me back? FEAR. Plain and simple fear! I want my husband to look at me and be just amazed at the changes i have made! BUT i don't want the attention from family and friends. I don't want to deal with the questions and the "oh wow you look so good" comments. Yeah in some ways it will be great to hear those things, but then it also just confirms how not great i look now. I already know that. I just don't want to hear it. I'm also afraid of people knowing I am trying to loose and then if i don't, will they look at me like I am a failure? I feel like i have been failing at this for 7 years. I know i should do more. Steph suggested that i do this and then send a newsletter to my friends and family that has a pic of the new me and explains all the things that i know they will ask so they can get it all out before they see me. Then we can just enjoy the visit. That's not a bad idea! I really need to have some encouragement. Not that i am begging from anyone reading this. I am just trying to figure out what works for me! Any ideas? They are always welcome! Thanks for reading this far. I know i have more to say i just don't know what else to do. Anyway....i'll talk to you later! I've kept you long enough!