Not a good day

I'm having a bad one. I mean a BAD one! I want to crawl in a hole! I hate feeling like this. Crying at the drop of a hat, wanting to just yell til it's all out! My head hurts, my brain physically hurts, my feet hurt, my back hurts. It's like the sadness and stress has attacked my entire body! i want to go to bed and stay there! But i can't! Not only do i have my own kids to take care of, i have to babysit all day too like i do every day. I feel like i am not doing any of the kids in my care any good at all. Not in the mood i've been in lately. My mood is getting worse too. I feel like all the feelings of depression and anger and anxiety that i dealt with years ago are coming rushing back at me all at once. I have an appointment to see my dr on Monday so i'm going to see if i can't take a minute of his time to ask about what i can do. I've been on medication in the past for all this. I'm feeling like i need it again. Which i hate because i was not fond of meds to begin with. But i did feel better on them. I'm doing my best here. I really feel like i am....but if this is my best....my kids deserve so much more! I miss my honey....duh! I have held myself together pretty well so far. But suddenly everything feels like it's crashing in around me. I can't seem to hold all these walls up anymore. And they are just so heavy. So today i'm letting them fall. I can pick them up tomorrow. I need a break. Then i'll feel a little better and i can hold them up some more for a while. i'm 1/4 of the way through this nightmare. So i know i can do it. I've been doing it. I can keep doing it. I just need today to be sad. Unfortunately when i feel like this i feel guilty too because i don't feel like i'm supposed to be sad. It's such a trip.....if i'm having a great day, i feel guilty for being so happy....if i'm having a bad day, i feel guilty for being too sad. Where's the middle ground where it's just ok to be me? Where's the time when i can only hold up myself and my family and not everyone around me? When can i just be me and not be everyone's strength? I'm not Hercules. When did this world get on my shoulders? I'm sorry my friends, please don't think that i don't want you to call me. I always want to be here for you. Today i am having a bad day though and i don't know who to turn to. Please let me have this day. I'll listen to you again, i promise. Today i just want to be about me! Thanks!